If there ever was faith

Its gunna be my grandparents GOLDEN 50TH ANNIVERSARY SOON..damn..50 years of marriage..do you know how hard it is nowdays to stay together for 50 years??

most people nowdays only barely survive 3 or four..some even weeks, some even days after marriage..god, how strong must you be to survive 50? that kind of relationship needs COMPLETE understanding and complete reasoning and dealing with problems together..

they met when they were 15 and stayed together ever since..its amazing!!

ON ANOTHER TOPIC;

Wow, after 3 weeks of no contact, i felt kinda better without knowing what u r up 2, i didnt even think about you, every time people asked me where u were, or were making fun of you, i just shrugged and said i dont know...you are such a hypocrit..then suddenly you call me and ask me where i am? why? i havent replied ur texts, or called u to find out where u are..then when i said my best friend is in town, you said i was happy..ummmm duh!! SHES my BEST FRIEND..a person i depend on, a person who listens n helps me however she can, even tho she lives far away..she is always there for me..she is on my side no matter what..and she beats u by 10000.0000.00765689 miles of being a good friend..then YOU asked where my fiancee was..and then he called me and told me you was calling him...why? why do think that when im not with him that he would want to see u either? him and all his friends try avoiding u..what makes u think he would care if u want to lepak? or issit u only nak lepak when im not around, where u can get the attention without any distractions? hahahha...my my..even ur bf's mum..ohh i wont go there, it might hurt ur feelings, coz u must think u and his mum are close huh?? well think again...the people close to her told me things..its sad, u try so hard to make people like you, and think that they all do...u need to learn more lessons..its too bad i wont be around to teach u ..coz i was done a long time ago, so stop calling my man, coz if u do, and i happen to b there when u do..dont be surprised what i say..coz what i think is..you cant make ur own plans so u wanna barge in on mine...

On a brighter note: mY SiBeriAn HuSkY Puppy is arrivig next week, ots been a bit late coz is only a few weeks old...cant wait!!

product of lifes disaster

Friends are easy to find,...but friends who will cry with you when you cry..or friends that will hurt when you are hurting..are so difficult..im lucky to have ones like that...but they r far away in other countries..thank god i still see one regularly..cz if i didnt i would be a mess..

it makes me wonder sometimes, if god mechanically engineered us humans to have to have an equal, to have company, why didnt he create is to be solo? why did he create emotions..

why has he given the emotion to be sad?

and to feel pain or heartbreak?

to feel messed up and lost?

we humans, are a time-bomb ready to go off...its so obvious, some cant even stand having emotions, and forget to put their breaks on while they drive themselves crazy over things not worth ending their life for..is this thing called life..really a test?

Could life after this be anymore worse? 

i hope not..

I met up with a friend of my fiancee today...shes had a third miscarriage recently..and on the table by the door, wrapped up in a white cotton baby cloth, lay her dead three-month embryo, that was taken out of her yesterday, my fiancee asked me to go open it n have a look, but i couldnt bear to look at something so pure, that has been taken away from a woman, she has been taking all sorts of medication to get her hormones right, this time was un-planned, the doctor did say, dont try, or dont do any penetrating for a while, but i guess it was an accident, but i felt so sad sitting there, staring at the cloth, and what laid inside it..it makes you almost hate being a woman, and the though of how many women go through it..i got a headache from thnking if it ever happened to me, or anyone close to me..Honestly..HOW MANY times does it take to drive a woman insanely crazy? losing out on creating a family for herself 3 times and failure??

i wish her all the best for the next time...

anyway im off to bed, im tired of thinking..

The beauty of life

1- Its amazing how the circle of life is..on the topic of friendship i really want to see someone before she leaves, i know im not equipped with a license yet to drive my car to get to see her myself, nor enough time in the weekdays due to college n assignments..but i really want to have the time to see friends that stay far away...i hate it, i hate having no time to do what i want..

i hope i do manage to see her tho..

2- I just came back from a lovely evening with mia, we had dinner together, at the castle n chit chatted about everything, i love discovering how u can just click with someone, without the barriers of judgement and curiosity...me an mia just clicked since the first day of college and we have always been there for eachother, then ust now we wentto club 21, to see my dad n his friends, coz his friends nephew is a friend of mine n its his birthday..so we went n had some fun then we went home, i enjoyed it.

3- why is everyone assuming im married already?? seriously why would anyone think i would get married quietly and not invite anyone? or do i just look really old? engaged yes..but NOT married.

4-Im exhausted from my day at college n having a good night out...im off to bed..

i am at this point..and i dont understand

Iv been having fights lately with my brother, i dont understand why..i hardly see him, he is always out..if im at home he is not, and if im not at home he is still out..i really dont get it..

is it his hormones that have triggered him to be aggressively loud and foul-mouthed to the point that im prepared to punch his lights out?

Dont get me wrong i love my family dearly...but i have no idea where my brother got such a dirty mouth from? is it his friends..he criticises at every chance he gets, and makes sure he is loud in doing so..

I admit..im NOT perfect, i have made a real mess of my teenage years, letting people take advantage, letting them do it..without me even seeing the big picture, i had noone to tell me what i need to be careful of in my teenage years, i had noone i felt i could open up to..i trusted everyone when i was a teen...evry person i was friends with, new or old i trusted...n sadly a lot of them used me..and i let them..being a teen is not an easy stage..i gathered a horrible reputation, but noone every tried to ask why, or how...or what was going on with me, or what i was going through, what i was developing emotionally, or even-so..what i didnt realise i had developed...and yes it is EXTREMELY hard to look back and say, wow, those were good times..

some of the times were good, but i let a good thing go to waste, i let people ruin my image by trusting them too much..most of them....boys....but i cant say it has all been bad...

im 21 now..i feel i have become stronger and more aware..im engaged to someone i love more than anything, who has stuck by me through all sorts of situations..

i have realised, i may not be the best of a friend, but because of my past i have somehow stopped trusting people...some human beings can be so cruel..

some people just enjoy going out and ruining peoples image...why? they get nothing from it..

everyone makes mistakes..i have learned from mine..do i need to ask peoples forgiveness???

must i go to each and every person and seek forgiveness in case i had done any damage to our relationship?

I THINK..i am aware of who i can trust and who i cant...i dont like hanging around in big crowds, i dont like busy places full of gossip folk...i enjoy being with people whos company is completely worth it..but once i have established such a friendship like that i will be there for my friends whenever they need me, even if i cant make it on that time, i will try to work another time out..

To those who feel i may have hurt you in any way...i am sorry..very sorry..

its 2.13am...why am i feeling like this??

pissed off...

TODAY:

Couldnt go to c the gurls...sne my license wont b coming till sometme this week..n there was noone to help send me to lrt or anywhere that i knew could get to sunway...very pissed off....

Monday: AFTERNOON:

Met my home girl zenty, we went to fridays fer lunch n had the jack daniel's chicken...it was amazing!!! we got to chatting about relationships, since she is already married, she knows the ups n downs...all the things we talked about have really got me thinking...im not brave enough to think reconsidering??? No i must not get silly ideas now...iv worked so hard at my relationship...no way can i...or would i give it up for anything?...i expected him proposing to me to have some fairy tale effect on me...but it was for a short while only, the gleaming face, that cant stop smiling..and the hugs for no reason, it feels kinda the same as last year...as if nothing has changed...

i would not change anything tho...but what if once we get married, i cant get what i am used to having?......im just not sure i could handle it.....omg what am i saying i must go....i feel a migrane cming...uurrgggggggghhhhhhhhhh