SIDE EFFECTS

its so easy to cry when u love someone, but its incedibly difficult to cry when u love someone more than life itself, as easy as it is to forgive n how hard it is to forget, i keep all my tears inside, because once i let them all out, i will end up going with them..How can something so real, so compatible, not be under my grasp, its like im holding onto something so tight that it is letting go of me, but im still holding on with every inch of life..Shes moving here, i probly wont see him again, someone tell me how i handle that? i admit it fine...im weak...as strong as i may be..im weak..and theres nothing i can do..i have let my head control me 2 many times, i cant risk anything, i dont want to...i may hurt for a long time..till i can have him in my arms...maybey ill never get that opportunity..i dont know...but what i do know is that im in love ..and as much as it hurts, it hurts all the time..it hurts when i smile n pretending im happy..yet somehow i still pull myself thru it...im happy that hes always around me...but for how long? till that girl moves here...its so fcked up...grrrrrrrrrr i could smack someone...i dont like feeling jealous im not like that...i like being the priority not the opportunity...2 people need eachother but cant be together...how? how to deal with this? if i take action i could lose him..so i just gotta do whatever i can n just turn a blind eye to what may hurt, and keep pretending i dont feel pain....

IN THESE CRAZY MONTHS

These past three months have been crazy, found a lot of people who have made a difference, made friends with people i should have met earlier. Now we are stronger than ever, there has been drama there has been tears..but all four of us have walked out of the storm alive.

even if one of them still doesnt realise it yet..

I met someone who has made a real difference in my life, in my previous blog when i said i need someone who can join me, not stop me..yeah i found that person. It took a while...it may take longer...but i may as well just treasure what i have at the moment now huh..even though i cant have things my way this time. I may even wait, i mean deep down inside knowing it would be so worth it. Who wouldnt wait for someone who makes u feel like ur the most special thing in someones life, even tho i may not be true..And feeling as if u and that person are on top of the world, and you laugh and smile for the reason being you are just so happy being around that one person that u cant help but do just that. I know iv never been one to admit things right away, yes im angry, yes im jealous hes with her, yes i wish i was so much better, and yes i wish it was me. I may not understand the reason why..but maybey one day i will. Even though i wake up wishing he was in MY arms everyday, and willing to fight with him just to see that face he makes that is asking to be kissed. I have never felt like this, its not even something i can explain, it just makes me want to do things because i want to, not because i wanna do them purely to make the other one happy, i wanna do things just because it makes me happy doing it too, making breakfast, looking after seone, even tho they are not sick yet. Its unexplainable how i feel, its like iv just been brought out into the world, ( sorry if that sounds really gay) but its true. I have just been shown a lot of things in a matter of months, and as much as i need it, and as much as this is what i have been looking for all this while, all the mistakes iv made, i was looking for THIS the whole time. Finally someone here listens to me, wants to give a helpful response, n help and still make me feel special. The amount of times i feel i was dropped on my head as a baby, he makes me feel as if i have some sort of gift, dont get me wrong, i love the way he makes me feel, but then again..sometimes i wonder if hes saying the same things to her...i hear her calling his phone n as much as i feel like taking the phone, putting it on silent n hiding it, i cant deny that i DONT  want to lose him, as capable as i am of breaking things up...i dont want to hurt him, after all the things hes done to me, all the sweet things n the small ways he shows he loves me..i will always want to be that one on his arm, and seeing him when i want to..he just is that person i want to travel places with and see new things, and ru and fall down and climb mountains and maybey eve trees with, i mean i know i can....just the way I WANT TO may not be anytime soon. It would be ultimately romantic if one day he realised how much more i can give, n suddenly come back and say ALEXIS, you are the one, i never realised it before, but now i do...LIKE in the movies, when the guy is with his gf, ad yet he loves this other girl, and the girl loves him more than anything, and then the guy catches his gf with another guy or the gf does something to fuck up the relationship whicj makes the guy realise, how this one girl has always been around for him, even after so long she has stil loved him, even tho he was with someone else, even though he went away with the gf to see her when she lived somewhere else, and this girl cried n cried but she still loved him reguardless of the fact she couldnt have the guy that completed her. and one fine day, the guy realises she has always been there, as much as he hurt her as much as he too wanted to be with her all along, he realises she suddenly goes missing right at the time he realises she is the love of his life and goes to look for her everywhere, the places she always hangs out, and eventually finds her, and runs up 2 her and says, hes sorry for ever hurting her and making her cry and doing things he shouldnt of done, and he is willing to risk his life to prove how sorry he is, and how much he loves her and wants to prove it, and the girl is angry coz it took him so long and they live happily ever after....its the most romantic thing everrrr!...i hate it when hes not around, i hate it when she calls even tho im good at pretending i dont care, im even better at pretending i dont hurt. and i will continue so long as he is happy, i dont want him to think about if im hurt or not, i just want him to know im happy, even more when hes around me. And that is all that matters. I love this person inside and out, and i swear i will not make the mistake of letting this go, iv let a lot of people go, and finally soemone who is right comes along even tho it may not be our time right now, im gnna hold on for as long as my heart continues beating. Im in love for all the right reasons finally, and theres no way in hell im letting anyone or anything get away..EVER.