Friday, December 18, 2009

Something i just cant swallow...

Hes been talking to her and has lied about it...trying to cover duration of call on a new phone with something completely un-related...then turns tables on me ..calling me names...when hes the one whos been caught....i just dont know what to do..im speechless...and on top of it all..im hurt...i feel betrayed....he even brings ups old stories when hes trying 2 defend himself....im hurt...

Tuesday, September 15, 2009

Saturday, August 29, 2009

I cant express...

How does someone express hurt without being mad or show the least about being irritated? when u are supposed to suck everything in and not let a single thing out, i still find it hard to express hurt without being mad about it 1st, right down to the things that make me want to cry. She must feel some sort of satisfaction to know that when she calls him, that im there in the same room with him she must feel really proud of herself coz he wont say anything, yet if i do, ill be getting complaints from left , right and centre...she calls and the voices become mellow and slow when they talk, the same way he talks to me, he dont notice it, but i have been noticing it for a while now, i just havent said anything..i have been trying to contain and tell myself its not like that , but i heard it just now...he laughs when she calls him, he hardly laughs when i call...is that supposed to mean something....does she still make him more happy than i do...do i need to reach some sort of measurement? i will tell u something....I DO NOT MEASURE , LET ALONE MEASURE MYSELF AGAINST NOONE, LET ALONE SOME EX..Some person who has absolutely nothing on me, i know what i ahve..and i remain loyal and honest to him...but like i said i still have complications accepting things i dont think are right...im told it could just be me and i have nothing to worry about...wtf ...im not worried...im pissed u idiot, calls at the arse crack of morning at times where we both should be asleep in eachothers arms...but instead we are now arguing about her phone call....i hate it..i dont want to admit im hurt but i am..i hate admitting im hurt let alone trying to get the perfect words out of my mouth instead of cursing both of them and what effect its having on me...

God save my emotions, because my emotions effect those i love, teach me to have more patience and allow those closest to me to feel my pain and know where and why i feel it....thank u

Her Again....and again!!

She called, yet again at 6.12am in the morning , yet again stupid hours shes calling him...and its grating on my patience...call me insecure call me watever u want, it is all what im not, i just want to know why...does she think im away ...or not around,...what are the reasons...friends call at proper hours, new zealand is only a few hours behind so what the fuck...i used to think it was acceptable even tho its an ex calling...WHAT IF IT WAS MY EX??? AT 6 IN THE MORNING? MOST PROBABLY A HUGE FIGHT IS WHAT IM GUESSING..BUT IM supposed to put up with this shit? why? coz they ended on good terms? i did too, so whats their excuse? and what for? to tell him she misses him? no other ppl to talk to? so tell me...what do i do about her coming back in december and wanting to meet his family n hang out? tell me, what am i supposed to do about that? accept it? and feel as if i have been pushed out of the way coz she has known him longer?? tell me, why else would an ex want to come back and see her ex's family?? honey theres no competition here...its not a battle of winning hearts...if u wanna see an ex u can always meet outside...why does she wanna meet at home n see everyone? i just want to know, i have asked many people and the same people give me 2 options and what to do...its either she wants to still build relations so that if anything was to happen in the future( she hopes) she got it easy
2nd she still doesnt want to feel that shes not connected to him so with the importance of family to him she wants to be closer...if not that then to tell me HIS GF that she too is good with his family....i feel its all bullshit n someone needs to be told...im not jealos or even insecure, i just want to know the motives, everyone has motives to do things...or her excuse could be because she hasnt seen them for so long...why would u want to see them in the 1st place u and him no longer are together...so why meet at home...why cant u meet outside?? pls tell me..im confused....


Monday, July 13, 2009

After all this time..

Yes it has been a while since i splattered what been going on lately, i think may was the last time...oh well, where do i start? latest news, we went to genting stayed over and the next day went 'jungle trekking' wasnt really jungle trekking, more like swimming at a waterfall, was good tho. i got bitten by a leech tho, my leg was bleeding but u could see it was a leech bite. I had fun tho despite all that, we went to Tjg malim right after to eat at bobs place i have never been so happy 2 see food, i was starving. It was a long day as well...

Starting with today , im very upset and frustrated, for so many reasons

1. Mj died- im not that upset tho, we will never know the real reason how he died..he was a good performer tho, greatest of all time, and i doubt there will be a replacement.

2. One of my best friends got beaten up by her bf yesterday, almost had 2 accidents driving to her house, she was quite shaken had cuts here and there n her face was quite swollen..it upsets me you know with things like this, because i have gone thru the same thing, and to watch one of my closer friends go thru the same thing really is heart-breaking especially when i now exactly how it feels being in love with the person that has beat u and having the potential to do even worse. The sad part is, on the outside he looks nothing like the type who would hit, truth lies beneath ones look i guess. They had been together for a year and recently she had confided in me about the things he had been up to such as choking her and hitting her before yesterday..its hard beleive to be honest, the amount of trust you put into someone to love u and care for u is exactly the same person who has beaten you, threatened you and goes psycho on ur shit because you want to leave him. I am quite protective of my friends and since i knew her before her bf, and with her dads trust in me, i solemnley swear to protect her and keep him away from her as much as possible i did mention to her that its for her own good and how stupid and silly she would be to take him back, regardless of how blind love is, i have been there and done it...AND TRUST ME LADIES, WHEN A MAN HITS U ONCE..NO MATTER HOW MUCH HE SWEARS HE WILL NEVER DO IT AGAIN...HE ALWAYS DOES END UP DOING IT AGAIN, AND EACH TIME IT GETS WORSE....so for those who love their man and do not wish to be a victim...TAKE UP SELF-DEFENCE CLASSES or at least classes that teach u to kick ass when u have to...

3- Him- for 2 days he has been spending time with his friends and i havent been able to have so much as a conversation with him..and that BITCH is back to make things much worse..i gotta talk 2 her soon..its driving me up the god damned wall...but im really sad coz he never used 2 be so distant when he was with the friends, surprise or no surprise, i used to think i was a priority, theres always reasons and some un-controllable situation that prevents him from contacting me...yet when it happens to me, he comes out with the most ridiculous assumptions and statements all i wanted to do was have a conversation for at least an hour or for a text now n then, i tested him saying i was going to bed, i didnt even get a goodnite or even him asking me to hold on..nothing, im overwhelmingly upset...i dont know what to say....im sad

4- my wages havent been released yet since its a cheque and some big boss has to sign it..grrr


On the bright side 

1- getting my extensions again tomorrow! yipee!!
2- cousins r coming down for 2 weeks! cant wait!
3- going to watch Manchester united next saturday
4-going to perhentian on the 23rd..
5-then going to penang!
6- GRADUATING IN OCTOBER BABY!!! 

ANYWAY IM OFF TO BED, GOT CLASS IN MORNING! SHIT!

Monday, May 18, 2009

19 may update

I bought a jerboa last week aka: kangaroo rat..it sooo adorable...i love it...its ike a hamster with really long back legs, and short front hands....and huge eyes that make it even more adorable, its now considered mine n khalis's child...we both look after it..it feels really nice...
everything has been so swet and breezy lately...iv been so happy and glad to be in the place i am right now, i appreciate so much the things around me so much more and what i have..i have been spending enough time with my little twin brothers who are in fact huge...they are starting college soon, it was just yesterday i can remember when they were borne.....how time flies huh, i love being close to them n them opening up 2 me about stuff, asking questions n all i love being the oldest 2 be honest...
comes with a few tweaks tho, being blamed, always being the dissapointment somehow...but i love it..i feel very motherly..
im in love deep deep love right now, i love him, his family, my family everything around me...i love how i feel loved and appreciated...
i still love the phone calls from mia telling me gossip n whats going on
im at a stage feeling very protective of the people around me at the moment, i feel like i just cant let anything fuck it all up...i have my friends, i love them, i have my perfect boyfriend, i love him very much, my family..i love them more than everything...not that my life is perfect, im just extremely-large-scale-more than comfortably content with the goings-on n all...
i want to thank god, for putting all my missing pieces ito my puzzle.
tq.. :)

Saturday, April 18, 2009

heaven all in one day

Today has been absolutely amazing, i woke up, mia stayed with me at khalis's place, we went out to a few places, even sempat lagi nak buat rambut kita...then i sent her to subang to where fiz has just opened a futsal place..not bad its really big, then we just lepak for a while, then i went back, got stuck in a jam...then FINALLY arrived at khalis's place, he went shopping n bought himself a pair of shoes, iv never been so glad to be back to c him...he was a bit upset coz i didnt call, n i took quite  while, but it was ok, i got everythin that i wanted all settled...so now it was all about him...i have been wanting to go to genting with him for quite a while now, so i randomly suggested we go, n i got all prepared with my sweater n all, i waited outside for him to get ready ..he comes out in his white shirt, shorts n new shoes, i was kinda confused like was he SO confident that genting wasnt gnna be cold or smthing, i just kept quiet, little did i know he didnt realize he wasnt prepared at all...we hung out in genting at kfc n ate, we then walked to starbucks n got a hot chocolate for us to share, we then sat at the roadside n talked and argued about a few things,like trust and relationships and about our individual experience and opinions... nothing serious tho...we then walked back to my car n was on our way to damansara...we hung out in the room and had a good time...iv never felt so much love in my whole life, like real appreciation, and i felt adored...it really is amazing...i am totally speechless, we are almost on 4 months together now, i cant wait for more time to come, and what the future holds for us, i really am inspired by today more than other days...today is just beautiful..really special...today was wonderful...really opened my eyes to new things ...that i almost hardly realized b4....i actually dont wanna go home tomorrow, but its ok, ill be back soon enuff..its hard to stay away from here...i dunno why...i spend more time here than my own place..

Monday, March 23, 2009

good times

I had one of those talks with him the other day about the trauma i went thru with how my mum died and everything, the hard walk of life i went thru to get to where i am today, what has made me who i am today...my whole walk of my life up till ow, what stil haunts me n still makes me cry..it was really really amazing..its actually really hard to talk about it..especially when i know it brings tears to my eyes instantly..iv had a hard time with my life years ago, mixing with the wrong people, influence and being used as a walking carpet, being taken advantage of..if anyone else had gone thru the things i have, im sure anyone else would of committed suicide,i did have thoughts, yes i did, i had moments where i just wanted to die, get away from this cruel nasty world and society... but i was lucky i had at least a bunch of good friends who kept me holding my head high above the water and never let me drown. Im here today with my head much higher and not afraid at all of admitting my mistakes, i admit i trusted people too easily and its a mistake i made over and over but iv learned it now, all the experience iv gone thru i have learned where i went wrong, and i dont care what bitches and peopel wanna say about me coz im much stronger than i was, these un-important people have nothing on me, i make who i am, not them..i CONTROL MY LIFE, NOT THEM!! i aint afraid of anyone and i know the people that know me well enuff understand what im saying...never let ANYONE BRING YOU DOWN!! i am completely content with what i have 2day...and ill never let it go!...
thank you to all those who have always picked me up when i fell down, and loved me without judgement and had faith in me...thank you..

Sunday, March 15, 2009

shit!!

I NEED TO GET MY MATERIALS FOR MY DRESSES!! SHIT!! N I NEED TO BUY A LOT!! N I CAN ONLY GET AT KAMDAR I HATE KAMDAR!! I HATE THE DODGY AREA NEAR SOGO!! ITS CREEPY!!! STRESS LA GOING THERE!!! HERE WE GO AGAIN! ONE WHOLE BUCKET OF STRESS AGAIN!! AND I NEED A MASSAGE, AND I NEED ANOTHER HOLIDAY!! I NEED HELP!!!!!

daymn

lAST NITE WAS CRAZY, I HAD SO MUCH FUN WITH MY Best friend mia,  khailis, and all, we danced we drank, we laughed, it was really about to end well, till some fcking chinese bitch tryna sell shots konon went chatting up khalis, she touche his face n i just went besurk, as i went to go after her khalis stopped me i was soooooooooooo pissed! why couldnt he just let me go?? why did he notice so fast!! i geram sangat2!! i felt like i was about to explode i was so angry!! im over it tho i guess, just hope it doesnt happen again...anyway, i have visual merchandising tomorrow n my fashion class wednesday grrrr more cutting n sewing!! its ok im almost done with college, keep being positive alexis....yerrrrrrrr.....iv been eating like a horse lately, pasta, cakes, salads, u name it, its bad for me! i need to diet! ...if i continue like tis im gonna grow old n wrinkly n saggy alone, coz noone would want me coz i would be sooo fat i wouldnt be able to walk dow the aisle, and my wedding rig would never fit....god...just the thought is scary, im starting yoga again  next weeek wohooooo, havent been for ages i miss it...anyway i gtg, facebook!! 

Here i am

Hi...im back , started class again, 4th semester..cant wait to finish! fuhh i got to make 5 dresses for both this sem n next sem, im planning to do a greek goddess theme, sexy, yet elegant but stylish..i like!! im kind of excited u know, almost finishing n stuff, its stressful tho..iv had a few parties lately some good ones, went to cherating with wanie, met a friend close to me there, dawest, who is wanies bf's best friend,,, we got drunk on the beach with vasparov vodka n pineapple juice, then dragged ourselves back to the chalet...with no comforter and just one pillow...but it was fun even tho it was just one nite, it didnt kill me...then been spendig time with khalis lately, which iv enjoyed, slowly tryna figure myself out o how to stop letting my multiple charecteristic disorder get in the way, i do have that problem, found out last week i have a lack of hormones due to stress, and a cyst in my uterus, so that wasnt such good news, had my period for 2 weeks coz of my hormone inbalance, passed out a few times coz i was bleeding so bad...cut my hand with a knife by accident tryna open cheese packet, bled non stop...i have class tomorrow so i gotta chalooo..till then ...

Thursday, February 5, 2009

Thank god!!!!

After all this fuckin stress of the semester, all the ups n many downs of these past 4 months, the tears the heartbreak, to being put back together again, to losing myself n finding myself again...
all the work i almost gave up on, to pulling myself back on my feet again... i FINALLY FINISHED my assignments..ecept for a few class work whick only involved a calico skirt n 3-4 sleeves..i managed to finish my final assignments my bustier corset, my corset dress, and my final design, along with my retail class assignments..IM DONE!! IM ACTUALLY DONE!!! i cant beleive it!! Months ago i was a complete mess, unable to help myself and completely torn apart...prioritizing things the wrong way around..my work now comes 1st now my life is finally together. i am so exhausted yet so overwhelmed..how just in 4 months i went thru so many ups n downs...this could cause a heart attack, probly even strock or paralysis or even DEATH...i really was in a completely different place emotionally and physically, put on weight lost weight...lack of sleep, lack of a lot of things...now iv got what i need n im off.
Now that i have all my stuff done (reguardless that i managed to do it all in a week) i realized that once i have my head down, i can actually do it..i can concentrate and i automatically become this completely different person, although this week i have because i was so stressed about getting everything done, and took it out on khalis( im so sorry about that darling) thank god i have him, god knows where i would be..probly scaling the walls or dark corners for a place to hide so my lecturers and friends dont kill me for being distracted by personal problem so easily...thats the thing tho..i never had anyone beside me for very long n if i did..they never understood...i hope khalis is here to stay, i get my stuff done, im more myself and i feel more content, im more concentrated too and besides the fact iv been a real bitch lately and having moodswings from a-z....im almost back to being my old happy-stress-free-no bullshit self...i can concentrate on khalis now for a while and give the time to him like hes been giving to me...be around for him now im free, give back what hes given me..all the support and stuff...difference is..hes a geek/ bookworm/nerd ...and im not...but yeah..im gnna concentrate on him for my 1 month holiday..get back to what i put on pause for a while..after all this rushing n running around n fighting about my attitute problems, so at least now i can have the time to put myself right n think about my traits and problems with my mood swing n how easily irritated i get...im weird..but what to do..s9o is he..two peas in a pod..hes the captain, im his parrot, im the queen, hes my royal crown..im one hes the other.....be back soon..-kisses

Saturday, January 31, 2009

It is

So here i am, its been so long since i last wrote, things have been extremely overwhelming, yes im still in love and grows more and more everyday. Im in love with the person im with and it is so strong, we have laughed together, cried together..it really is amazing, reguardless of how fast it has been, we have this unbreakable bond that draws me nearer and nearer everytime, and he knows just how to break thru me in every way, when im down he picks me up, and he knows how to make me smile every single time. He makes me feel like im on top of the world, he makes me feel like a princess. I however have a few issues i need to deal with by myself, anger issues n the way i deal with things..but ill get to that on my own, but i am really, truely blessed with this guy, he really is amazing, his family is amazing..im growing very close to one of his sisters and she is really something else, very strong and very determined, Its a 2nd family, who have a bond i wish i had...not to say i dont have a bond but yeah, im the only daughter, oldest one living with 4 boys..the bond is there but then again we all do our own thing n dont get together very often. But going back to this relationship i have, there is no way im gnna let this one go...i found something real, something really pure..and ya'll are probly gnna say 'OK ALEXIS, WE KNOW' OR 'lets see how long this one lasts' well u bloody well will...all this while i had no idea what exactly i was looking for, im done looking...why? because its right infront of me, holding my hands, and telling me everything is gnna be ok, making sure i know im loved and cared about ..n even tho i know im told, it dont really matter coz he shows it too...now iv never been good at showing how i really feel...but its getting there slowly..im learning this all over again..and im glad hes being patient with me...like i said..i have issues...This is something i want to hold onto forever, fuck the past..its long gone..iv moved on i know what i want, i have it, perfect friends, amazing bf and smiles all the way...yes we have had our fair share of arguments so far..but it will get better as we go along, They say life isnt a box of chocolates?? IT DAMN WELL IS, SWEET, BITTER, DARK, LIGHT, SOFT, HARD AND PLENTY OF THE ASSORTMENT..i love what i am n what im becoming..im becoming a lot more stronger towards a lot of things, going back to being more positive now, i finally have what i want, what i have needed for so long, its in my grasp now, and sure as hell...it aint going anywhere..i aint going nowhere..im gnna deal with my anger problems, coz im being a spark to a fire..n its wrong i realise that, i gotta learn to say sorry too...whatever it is..everything has been nothing but wonderful so far and i wouldnt change a thing...or maybey i would..in terms of people who are disturbing my thoughts..capital (Z) but fuck that, she can go fck herself fer all i care, reguardless if her so called best friend is my bf, they arnt best friends, if they were she wouldnt be how she is..she probly only runs to him cz hes the more good looking one, or at the time (was single) well sorry baby he aint no more..so go SUCK ON EGGS!!! grrrrr fck this...getting upset again...anyway, i love this guy, hes mine n im his..n i cant wait for the rest of time to come... till soon-hugs n kisses-

Thursday, January 15, 2009

Finally

I finally have what i cried so many tears for. We are finally together. And u know what, i actually feel happy, i feel content, i feel i have everything i have been looing for, someone who uderstands, someone i can talk to about everything, someone i can be a total dumbass with, i ca finally be myself, n not having to hide anything. I feel i am free, i feel i can finally do things and not be asked 121 questions on why...
God really has been great to me in that sense.

Although my ex was crying n begging me not to go, what could i do? i was unhappy, about a lot of things, and only when i wanted to leave, then only he wants to do the things he used to say no to...what the hell, for how long will that last? a few weeks? a month maybey? then it will go back to the same old routine again. I cant deny i felt bad n sad leaving him, but being hit by the same hand 3 times is too much already.n i cant be with someone abusive, its a time bomb ready to explode. SO maybey it should be a lesson for him too. i will always have a soft spot for him somewhere, but i cant accept what he did to me.  He hurt me in so many ways...n it saddens me only at the end he wants to show everything..it sucks..and yes it does hurt to hear him cry n lose sleep over this..but hopefully he will learn from it..i know i will...we almost had a future together, but deep down inside, i knew somewhere it was never meant to be because we were too different. 
Im at a place in life where i wanna do things with a special someone, and be matured on a higher level, i dont need to hide or cover things anymore. im done with that.


im happy, very happy..