As of now

At this point in time, maybe im thinking of the future a bit too much? is it wrong to fantasize about my wedding day? how many kids i want? what my own family would be like?
At this point in time, i no longer enjoy hardened up parties and hung-over mornings
i no longer want my fone to be off the hook all the time with random friends asking me out
i dont want to be out every single weekend with a full agenda of non-stop madness and drama

Am i getting too old before my time? am i seeing a bigger picture? i dont want to regret this feeling..silly...how can i regret it, its what i feel, im more focused on my career and a life of love..i dont even need to juggle it..
why do i get the feeling ill be pushed into the dirty puddle again, once its convinient for someone else...
why do i get the feeling, that someone else wont be strong enough to see beyond the fine line of having to grow up...

im not saying my learning of life has ended, no way...but i just dont want the same things i used to..
i want to be settled down, i want to be able to come home to someone who adores me, someone who misses me when were apart..
someone who respects me even when in anger, someone who will come see me when im not feeling well...

My ideas of life may be different, i wanna travel, but i dont travel alone, i dont want to travel alone, when i do travel, i would want it to be with the person who wants to see the world with me, and wishes nothing but that. I dont want to be put in 2nd pace in someones heart,nor should i..

i dont wnt expensive dinners,when i can do that myself
i dont want a car or things.. i buy my own
i want something that costs nothing..Honesty, i want love, big love and undeiniable adoration, i want to be number 1, i want to be committed to and be respected.

Thats all i need to get me thru life, i feel im content,...but at the same time i feel like i give and give and give ..and still waiting for the traffic light on the other side to turn green, yet..nothing...

Expansion

Sometimes i think my insecurities are a from a fear
i admit, im scared of being hurt, simply because i dont handle hurt very well
im afraid of being cheated, because its happened one too many times
im scared of being made a fool with an open heart
i tend to become afraid of the feeling regarding something i strongly dislike, for what i dislike brings me anger and hatred.

Im not afraid of lions, or tigers or bears, im afraid of this fear inside of me..
this fear i have has ruined me, its going to ruin those around me too if i dont stop it now..
i need to stop being so afraid of what i feel, and just let it go...
i need to build those walls back up and keep my ak47 on alert

im so used to being the cushion for everyone...i realise now i dont have have a cushion, i dont have anyone to hold my needles...i now realize i can only hold the needles myself, as much as i might get pricked, or stung i got to do it on my own...

i guess some people cnt handle others emotions as well as we would like them to...

harden up girl, its gnna start now...