Alexis Tiffany

Looking Up

2011-08-17T08:23:00.000-07:00

In Anything we do, it takes courage and effort..it will get better. Theres no point telling yourself it wont happen, when it can and it will if you try, anything and everything happens when you try. We can all clasp our hands and say we cant...but in actual fact..everything starts with you.

1 week, 3 days

2011-08-13T02:48:00.000-07:00

After all the crap thats gone down, iv been trying to talk to you, a proper sit down and express what im feeling, everytime i do, u either have to do something or its not the right time. when i do it at home, you have to do something, when were outside you say we should discuss it at home and when we get home you dont even bother to ask to continue, when we are on the phone you have to go somewhere or your not listening. NOW you tell me how the hell do you expect me to just keep quiet like its nothing. You say u want your space, but you spend it with your friends. you say ur depressed about not having a job but u use the internet for unnecessary things. You say your far from god, yet you dont try and pray.

how the hell am i supposed to get any answer from you at all

tell me.

How they do it

2011-08-03T12:07:00.000-07:00

What i never understood until now, was exactly what i used to fear deep within me, people can lie about so many things and not even feel a slight bit of regret or remorse for those whom they lie to be it friends, girlfriend, boyfriend, family , husband or even wife. How can such human beings go through life constantly making those who love them believe whatever it is that they say to be true? not realizing they are creating a world for themselves full of disbelief..no honesty, no truthfulness for not only themselves but making others attempt to believe their unreliable truths. How do we trust people such as these, who are only good at talking, but have no idea how or what to do about stopping the hurt to those around them, simply when what they do is completely unnecessary in the 1st place.These lies are not even to protect anyone but themselves, selfish lies to create a persona of someone who could be the devil's side-kick, pretenders. Some say that lies are habits..bad habits..but how do you look at it when lies are all a person knows, they know it so well they don't know where to start about telling the TRUTH, even when those around them know it already.

second time around

2011-07-18T23:20:00.000-07:00

The sickness i feel in my tummy, is no comparison to an ordinary stomach ache, its an overwhelming churn of pure eating-my-heart-out hunger.. the kind when your heart has been thrown out of its comfort zone and squished till its no longer able to function.
Then naturally the mind and the rest of you that is still trying to cope with the pain and the shock is only doing what it was used 2 doing..LOVING

When the nerves in you are no longer attached to the heart, since its been ripped out, the are trying to find somewhere to attach themselves, desperately searching for something to hold on to.

this is me..numb, wallowing in despair, holding back all the tears that are just screaming to get out of my system, and im trying..ever so hard to keep them all in, trying to tell myself to be strong and catch a grip of myself before i lose it. This is what happens when you love too much.
a lesson i know far too well, a situation i find myself being in very familiar, being left..being pulled away from.
what does one do, when the other isnt ready? isnt ready for the hardship, isnt ready to just be pure..almost 3 years of constant 1 way effort n just 2 even get a voice heard. Iv had my fair share of wrong-doings no mistake, but its definately a mistake i can correct...

im not aware of whats around me right now, i sit here still fighting my feelings as hes asleep in his bed. cold shouldered and making me look desperate...i am...im desperate to be loved back...noones been able to hold my heart and not break it...once it gets to 2 years...they are gone..they are not ready...im confused, im blaming myself, and the one i love the most, who i have unconditionally given a majority of myself to...has decided he cant do it anymore...

what can i say...there goes something i assumed was just as special, somethin worth fighting for..
maybe im not worth fighting for...maybe all of this was just a beautiful illusion i had in my mind...

but whatever it was...its now gone...for the 2nd time

what is..what isnt...

2011-07-18T05:25:00.000-07:00

In a momentum of fact against word..which is taken more lightly
Would a robot lie when humans are the ones that control it..
would time lie against black and white?

it just doesnt make sense, even more when u dont know if you can make sense of any of it..
its just all over the place..what DOES make sense? What is the Truth?

and why cant people just be truthful...
when eventually...even if robots can lie... GOD DOESNT...

he has not lied 2 me..if anything, hes been more honest than anyone i know...and i cant even see him or hear him speak...but as much as i dont talk 2 him very much..he always has ways in showing me whats right..

RIGHT NOW ITS A MATTER OF WETHER I CONTINUE TO SPEAK FROM THE HEART OR KEEP IT ALL INSIDE...COZ NO MATTER WHAT I CHOOSE, ITS ALWAYS HARDER TO GET THROUGH ON EITHER DECISION. Choices are what we make to make ourselves better, for ourselves and only for ourselves.

DO U CHOOSE TO LIE? OR TELL THE TRUTH?

The quick get away

2011-06-20T07:09:00.000-07:00

It was a last minute decision, but one of the best you have ever agreed to do with me
Like i said, take these opportunities with me more...i enjoy them more than anything, especially with you by my side..

Thank you for joining...

Today and from now on...

2011-06-15T11:39:00.000-07:00

I am in the process of trying to understand myself, why i think the way i do, why i do what i do and everything else that is all about you..
No doubt its been 2 1/2 years so far, a bloody long journey so far as well, but my love only grows alongside me and you. I sometimes casually reflect on what made me fall for you in the 1st place, but looking back many things have changed, they have gotten so much better, i spend much more time with you than we used to and i can say that i really do enjoy every minute.

I dont understand why people say that its not good to see the one u love all the time...but in my case, im thinking..why would you tell yourself such a thing, or assume such a statement be true when at any moment could be your last together, we dont know gods plans, so im going to spend every moment i can simply because i want to... I DONT NEED TO necessarily..but i want to...and it suits me fine.

Nobody can tell me how to love, what to love and why....i just do..so much that i could cry..lets continue our growth in geting better, achieve our goals..Holding hands and walking this earth together and create chaos as we go along....

Holdin it in...

2011-05-18T11:44:00.000-07:00

So i hold all these feelings, besides the fact u may assume im an emotional being, maybe i am..i take in whatever you throw at me and hold it inside, u raise your voice and my fed-up alarm starts ringing, time and time again i remind you about it..

i get angry too, i get annoyed, but never would i raise my voice or shout and throw nasty words at you, might as well spit on me too right if like that?
i was not brought up to disrespect anyone, not even in anger..
your ego has enlarged too, which is dis-heartening from my point of view..

Then there are days you tell me you miss me and yet i come 2 you and receive maybe 3/ 4 pecks and a cuddle at most. why is it all words, even things like, i should be at home when u get home, and i waita round like a puppy expecting somethin more than just a mere hi... not even mention how both our days were...and its sad coz the 1st 2 weeks u worked u were like all about me.. now its slipped back to un-appreciating and disrespect....

im startin 2 question things and its disurbing me...please pick yourself up soon...
i hate feeling like this...

for now its me and god.. please god be kind to me...please

Where are you

2011-05-15T00:19:00.000-07:00

Where are you
you throw the anger of you on me, you lose it
my words are told to be of provoking
giving you the excuse to do as you do..

i think its an excuse
you once told me to think before i act..
you?

You are now biting the hand that feeds you

but i know god will repay wisely what is done unto me by you... one day...

Coreless

2011-05-15T00:16:00.000-07:00

YOU HAVE NO CENTRE IN YOU
NOT EVEN A THOUGHT OF GOD
NOT EVEN PRAYING
NOTHING TO CALM THE MONSTER IN YOU
ITS RELEASED OFTEN LATELY AND I HATE IT
THE DEVIL HAS A STRONG GRIP ON YOU AND YOU LOSE YOUR SELF CONTROL UNNECESSARILY....
AND TO BE VERY HONEST.. IM SCARED...

The Unexpected.. or expected?

2011-05-03T05:04:00.000-07:00

Sometimes we wake up in the morning, do the same routine, sometimes even the same clothes, shower with the same shower gel, and get in the car at the same time, day in and day out.
But what we hardly question is WHY, why do we do the same thing everytime when it comes to our responsibilities? could it be due to saving time? could it be because thats the expectation we have towards achieving our wants and needs? or is it simply because we are afraid of the change itself.

But this can apply in the working shirts or the bums that sit on the couch everyday watching the same things on tv as if there was only 1 channel. We tend to get so comfortable with things being the way they are, what we are used to, that when change comes about, be it expected or not, we HISS and become sqeamish at the very thought, even though it may actually be good for us.
Some of us are happy to do the same things day in day out, some of us require constant changes in order to keep motivated. But! wether or not the change is good, its a matter of wether we can accept it or not, like it or lump it. Routine can be such a drag sometimes, so its only in our power to make the routine more exciting or bearable. I, myself am a character that resists change, reluctant to go very far from my comfort zone, even though i know change will be good now and then. Dont get me wrong i do make changes to better myself or that around me if i must, the good change i dont mind that i am able to have some sort of control over, its the changes that disrupt my routine and my mind that i dislike.

i guess only time will tell. maybe the cards will just change before i can even sense it.
who knows...i might like it.. then again..... i might not..
its all in gods hands..

This little heart.

2011-04-02T14:37:00.000-07:00

When i look at you...i see so much POTENTIAL as a person, as a son and as a partner..
yet, why do my eyes deceive me so at times, im blinded by this ever beating, red blooded heart of mine. This muscle in my chest, it beats, for me, for YOU ever faster, and at times its alive with laughter, and also with tears.

What this little heart of mine feels, overcomes many fears i have, yet it is still unsure, almost in comparison to a pet in a new home..it wants to know more of its owner as much as it does fear the WHAT-IF.

From what it tells me, it cant surely love another, no..not this way. It bleeds with passion, yet it bleeds with the fear of what this owner might do with it. Its no longer mine, im no longer in control of its possession, or how it reacts, it has a mind of its own and it moves at every word spoken, every action taken and every feeling felt to its every inch, it shivers, and it calms down, it even suffers from lack of sleep at the very thought of you.

Its at its utmost happiness, when its in close proximity with yours, its back-flips and turns up-side down the more it knows you are near and at times wants to just be ripped out and place itself in your hand so that u can just see what its made of, how fast it beats, how this tiny thing is actually quite big on the inside, but shares no room for no other but yourself and i.

even though i no longer possess it, i BEG YOU..please take care of it, im not capable of its control anymore.

This little heart of mine.

Hello April

2011-04-01T00:54:00.000-07:00

Aahh April, One of my favorite months..why? Coz my birthday is on the 29th! i have a month to plan exactly what i would like to do, and as usual make sure my friends go home completely wasted lol...

24 YEARS being me..its been one hell of a roller-coaster, been working for almost 1 year and a half now, it aint easy having to drag myself there in the morning either, but we all gotta do it. KA-CHINGGG is the most necessary nowday in this time and age..we all gotta start somewhere, but im loving it.

The older im getting, the more i tend to look back on my previous mistakes, and where i went wrong, and yes there are many things id rather not remember, but then again, hurt only makes you stronger eventually, im proud to say that im learning and i know i have much more to learn. Theres no limit book or any time frame to learn things, some of us die without even learning what love is, or even how to hold our breath under-water, everyone has their own pace in life, and the rest is up to god.

This month im going to interviews for new jobs, just to broaden my horizons, and do something fun and that i enjoy, photography, be it behind the camera or in front of it, its fairly new 4 me but this company they handle the photo's and they are one of the largest international co's too selling quality photo's to companies in anything from Advertising to News Stations. Quite exciting.

Its friday, so im trying to keep my spirit high 4 this weekend and enjoy as much as i can..

whoop whoop!

WHY WAIT??

2011-03-14T09:44:00.000-07:00

Why should I , HAVE TO WAIT FOR YOU TO APPRECIATE ME??

Why should I, WASTE MY TIME TELLING YOU HOW I FEEL AND WHAT YOU DO THAT UPSETS ME WHEN U ONLY NOD UR HEAD AND DO NOTHING ABOUT IT..

WHEN HAVE U EVER TAKEN ME OUT BECAUSE U APPRECIATE ME, ADORE ME AND CANT STOP THINKING ABOUT ME??? WHEN WAS THE LAST TIME U EVER TOLD ME THAT?

Do you have any idea what i feel? have u any idea whats on my mind? after what you have put me through, i come right back...only to realize, you only seem to want me when your lonely..

Everytime i do something like even coming to see you, another voice tells me not to, simply because you dont do that at all for me...if i even feel that u need me im there and you dont even need to ask..

When im sick..and IM in need...u dont come to me...

You can tell me your sick, not well, headache, migrane, kaki bengkak, any excuse not to go out...after how many times i make plans..when have u ever made plans? done something to surprise me...simply because im THAT special 2 u?

Not enuff money 4 dinner, but got plenty to go out a whole day, funny how i knew that would happen, even mentioned it 2 u...

All you do is say sorry for how i feel... WHEN THE FUCK ARE YOU EVER GOING TO DO ANYTHING ABOUT IT? HUH? all you tell me is you will think about it!! iv told you the problem!!! u dont need anything but to change that!!!

I Ask why you dont wanna do anything with me, you say u have not been well, and you have jobs and all on ur mind...

but once ur friends ask u out, u can go out the whole day no problem...and so many places, not a single complaint..except the end of the day when ur tired.

Im about to change my tune here...Im fed up with the bullshit and giving my all, and getting nothing but excuses back...if you feel completely fine around your friends..maybe THEY can come feed you when ur sick, apply medicine on you when ur tummy hurts..feed you when u refuse to eat.. and be there 4 u every day simply because they can and they want to...

GOOD FUCKIN LUCK

Its just

2011-03-05T04:53:00.000-08:00

Isnt it just beautiful when you are capable of loving someone..
Isnt it just beautiful when you love someone so much you could cry
Isnt it just beautiful, knowing the person you love, u wish to spend the rest of your life with.
Isnt it just beautiful when the person your with loves you back
Isnt it just beautiful, when the person your with shows you in so many ways how much he loves you.

If only every man loved one woman, and showed that one woman
how much she means to him....

it seems like every womans wish to be the last love of a mans life...

Ever so gently

2011-03-04T04:51:00.000-08:00

Tear ducts get swollen, usually when in pain..

Its not out of asking for sympathy, nor is it out of asking for much...

when someone cry'S Its not just because they are sad...

its because they are HURT, and one can only hurt another, when one has feelings for the other.

Oh well...

2011-03-04T04:12:00.000-08:00

No matter how hard you try, sometimes it goes un-noticed

Effort goes without saying, u do it because u want to...

Making the one u love happy is something that need not be on occassion but any time u get the chance..

Communication is useless when u get angry at everything...

Even when i cry, i can still be screamed at instead of comforted....

What is this world coming to?

Why is it so hard to understand?

That kind of feeling..

2011-02-23T10:10:00.000-08:00

When you get butterflies all over again..
When you just cant wait to see him again..
When you just wish u could stare at each other forever
When you wish you could pause the time even for a few hours
When smiles become giggles
When you feel he shyness kicking in again

When u realize time isnt enough
When 5 mins seems like 2 mins
When you talk much less
When you miss, and hope you are missed back
Doubt kicks in..

BUT AS USUAL, U TAKE ALL THAT DOUBT AWAY IN A MATTER OF MINUTES
AND MY SMILE COMES BACK ON MY FACE..

THANK U

Quest?on mark

2011-02-17T00:25:00.000-08:00

If you fell in the 1st place...what about now?

If you love someone so much, why would you want to make them cry?
If you needed someone bad enough in your life, wouldnt you do anything for them?
If you know you could never love another, wouldnt you make everything alright with the 1 you love?
If you know ur needed, wouldnt you be there to make them happy?
If your in love like you say you are....

why is it so damn hard to show it?

If i

2011-02-10T11:15:00.000-08:00

If i died..
would you cry..
would you miss me..
and find the days are harder to go by..

If i died..
would you ever regret
you didnt make better changes
and stop the bad, tempting things you used to let

If i died..
would you visit my grave
would you kiss upon my tombstone
and wish the time could have been saved

For now that im alive..
do you wish to make things great
would you do less to complicate
could you do more to love me
and less of the hate
will you look at what i have to give
and not make me wait....

Dont say

2011-02-10T11:06:00.000-08:00

Dont you ever say i dont think of you
because i see you wherever i go
besides the odd distance from time to time
you are everywhere just so you know

Im writing this, just so you see
you are never too far away from me
I think of you, and im again inspired
to write again and not be tired

you are like the stars , your are like the moon
and i will be seeing you very soon
i now sometimes life isnt too fair
but if u find at all u miss me
just know im there..

Physically, emotionally and in spirit, you know me..and i know YOU

As of now

2011-01-18T23:55:00.000-08:00

At this point in time, maybe im thinking of the future a bit too much? is it wrong to fantasize about my wedding day? how many kids i want? what my own family would be like?
At this point in time, i no longer enjoy hardened up parties and hung-over mornings
i no longer want my fone to be off the hook all the time with random friends asking me out
i dont want to be out every single weekend with a full agenda of non-stop madness and drama

Am i getting too old before my time? am i seeing a bigger picture? i dont want to regret this feeling..silly...how can i regret it, its what i feel, im more focused on my career and a life of love..i dont even need to juggle it..
why do i get the feeling ill be pushed into the dirty puddle again, once its convinient for someone else...
why do i get the feeling, that someone else wont be strong enough to see beyond the fine line of having to grow up...

im not saying my learning of life has ended, no way...but i just dont want the same things i used to..
i want to be settled down, i want to be able to come home to someone who adores me, someone who misses me when were apart..
someone who respects me even when in anger, someone who will come see me when im not feeling well...

My ideas of life may be different, i wanna travel, but i dont travel alone, i dont want to travel alone, when i do travel, i would want it to be with the person who wants to see the world with me, and wishes nothing but that. I dont want to be put in 2nd pace in someones heart,nor should i..

i dont wnt expensive dinners,when i can do that myself
i dont want a car or things.. i buy my own
i want something that costs nothing..Honesty, i want love, big love and undeiniable adoration, i want to be number 1, i want to be committed to and be respected.

Thats all i need to get me thru life, i feel im content,...but at the same time i feel like i give and give and give ..and still waiting for the traffic light on the other side to turn green, yet..nothing...

Expansion

2011-01-03T10:47:00.000-08:00

Sometimes i think my insecurities are a from a fear
i admit, im scared of being hurt, simply because i dont handle hurt very well
im afraid of being cheated, because its happened one too many times
im scared of being made a fool with an open heart
i tend to become afraid of the feeling regarding something i strongly dislike, for what i dislike brings me anger and hatred.

Im not afraid of lions, or tigers or bears, im afraid of this fear inside of me..
this fear i have has ruined me, its going to ruin those around me too if i dont stop it now..
i need to stop being so afraid of what i feel, and just let it go...
i need to build those walls back up and keep my ak47 on alert

im so used to being the cushion for everyone...i realise now i dont have have a cushion, i dont have anyone to hold my needles...i now realize i can only hold the needles myself, as much as i might get pricked, or stung i got to do it on my own...

i guess some people cnt handle others emotions as well as we would like them to...

harden up girl, its gnna start now...

If your happy and you know it...

2010-12-21T19:23:00.000-08:00

I used to tell myself :
Iv been the 'STATUE' for the longest time,its time for me to be the pidgeon or dove or bird of any kind..
not because i intentionally want to hurt those who hurt me...but scaring them is good enough.

Iv ACCEPTED now that somedays ill be the pidgeon and some days ill be the statue....

oh what life throws at me..

The lesson to be learned

2010-12-21T18:56:00.000-08:00

LESSON 1: straightforward, courageous communication without anger or criticism. Communicate my truth and needs effectively

LESSON 2:
create a full, rewarding life for my own fulfillment

LESSON 3:
learn to ask without hesitation for what I want and need in every area of your life. Learn to be aware of his timing and his time-line.

LESSON 4:
Maturity does not mean lack of emotions. It does mean the ability to handle emotions responsibly,learn to take responsibility for my emotional experience and expression.

LESSON 5:
NO MORE TAKING BULLSHIT...

Here comes the heartbreak

2010-12-01T19:08:00.000-08:00

Yep, its happened, its seems its over

Besides all thats happened this year, iv never been the person to hold on, i always let go the minute im hurt, before the minute someone hurt me, id walk away and save my pride and dignity. Now i feel iv lost it, to someone i deeply love, cherish and care about, someone i waited for to show his appreciation of me. Iv learned my strength in FORGIVENESS is at its peak, iv never forgiven so many mistakes in a year, and so easily as well, its what told me i love this person, i see a future with this person, a forever.

Im still trying to bash my brain watever it was that could be for it
the answers got were
i need to learn my mistakes, im lost, i dont know how to love you
iv lost it...

Wow...
and there i was in nothing but a dream and trying to sort things out and see what could be done and it seemed only me trying...when i asked where had his part of 'working things out go' he said this is working things out, its for the best'
BEST OF WHO? wen iv been vomitting for 3 straight morning now, not knowing why the hell its happening, why does it seem im the only one whos trying here..
iv lost my appetite completely, iv lost my thoughts, myself, im very much depressed. Why or how does this person have such a hold on me.

i only wanted us to be together and sort things out, within this one year many sad things have happened which involved me being HURT. and even after all that i still beleived in im and that he would change, even if he himself didnt know why he did it...i tried my utter best to show him i love him no matter what or how, i made him a part of my life in which, i put him b4 me...i put him in a place i never thought id be able 2 let anyone EVER in my life have..
and to be honest, right now, i dont know what to feel...nor do i know what to think.
im tired of not giving up..because i try and try
i know what im feeling, and at this point in time ill only be better if i have him, because hes the one i always felt safe with, it was always about him and i made sure he knew that.
maybe i had somehow drifed off in my own world somewhat hoping he loved me as much as i do him.
i know maybe he loves me but its got me thinking so many ugly things, maybe he wanted other things...

But iv learned you cant have everything, and i do understand that sometimes you do need to step back and asses situations.. but this isnt stepping back...its over
and im not going to lie i miss him like hell! iv never missed anyone this much and with so much to say as well..
Are two years gone, just like that...i had ideas for the future, things i wanted and planned to do with him
but maybe im not all that he wants..and whats worse is, he said if he stays with me,he will only hurt me more...WHAT THE HELL IS THAT SUPPOSEDTO MEAN??? he even said hes not ready to change or be better...iv got so many emotions, im angry im sad and im dissapointed..WHY WOULDNT anyone want to be better? OFCOURSE you would always want to be better..Im now worried satan has more power over him than god does..iv been trying to encourage him to pray more and encourage the calmness that follows but he didnt want to, all my little tries-to-help seem to have gone un-noticed.
if you love someone surely u'd do anything to make them feel loved right?

I hate that I cant do anything but try and stand on my own two feet and put my walls back up again..i let my walls down way too low and so im hurt like this.
I gave evrything every inch and metre of me and what i can in fact maybe i could(possibly) do less...
Im glad i got to see him finish college, cz it sucks to go through things like tht and have noone at ur side..(knowing how it physically felt)
As much as i wish he'd come back and love me all over again...maybe he wont because he wants other things and its killing me.

and so i must be off now, have to vomit again, dads quite worried and people have said iv lost 2 much weight ALREADY!
this will never happen again, iv learned such a valuble lesson..

You say

2010-11-26T03:40:00.000-08:00

Everything i say is sad...

i say THERES A REASON FOR EVERYTHING
NOTHING HAPPENS FROM NOTHING...

As i hobble along

2010-11-24T08:21:00.000-08:00

And soon enough, ill be a forgotten face, with a forgotten name

no bells will ring and we'll pass each other as if we never knew

what it was like to have butterflies in our tummies or what our first kiss was and how the sparks flew like fireflies on a still night, or how we used to smell or feel like

soon enough this heart will stay where it is and its pieces not picked up

you will be moving on with what you do

and i remain where i always was..

pretending i didn't feel as much pain at all...

what the mouth does not speak is not what the heart does not feel

2010-11-18T20:06:00.001-08:00

And so i see thou art different

less input in communication of feelings

and me sinking slightly under the water

your slightly letting me drown

you seemed moved away from the position i once

understood you were in

and i dont feel safe in my position i once thought was bullet-proof

i wish not to say anything for im walking down a street

i once knew i wasn't alone

the street was happy and covered in colourful skies

and trees made of cotton candy

the birds would sit on my shoulder and sing in my ear

the sun would smile at me and never let me cold

the clouds would lift me up every now and then to make sure id never fall

that was when i thought u were right by my side

now that i turn my head

you are still far far away, iv walked much further

and you are have taken a different road..

im hoping we will one day meet on

Quietly

2010-11-11T23:30:00.000-08:00

I silently cry, because i dont know what you are
I silently cry because im hurt
i sit in my room, looking up at the stars
not knowing who i am, or where u are

I look in the mirro and see nothing but shame
why do i put up with rubbish and pain
when it breaks my heart
and drives me insane

I walk to the table and view the picture of us
the very first few when about me you would fuss
when u were gnna come see me and was all the excite
nowdays its as if you are more usy at night

I wish i had the old days back
where ud come and surprise
take you to places and see the sun rise

i wish you knew what you wanted
and love me the honest way
because i dont know wether its best
i go or stay....

Quietly im saddened, Quietly i quiver
something that breaks my heart and makes me shiver
stop the nonesense, stop the pain
i need my sunshine, no more rain...

This would be nice

2010-11-11T23:10:00.000-08:00

- A man with:

-Honesty
-Loyalty
-Willingness
-Pride
-Dignity
-Self-repect
- Respect for me
-Romantic
- Sweet
- Looks after my needs
-Tells me when im missed
-Tells me when im thought about
-Someone who is not afraid to speak the truth even if it hurts me, because he loves me that much he doesnt want to hurt me ever again...

Where are you?

MISSING PERSON REPORT

2010-11-09T22:36:00.000-08:00

Where are you?
You were here, then you left, then came back again..
i used to hear from you everyday
now where have you gone?

Tangled mangled

2010-11-09T05:02:00.000-08:00

I sit here and take take take ur attitude
and you expect me to brush it off like it was nothing
like u havent done enough damage
u still pick at me like a scab on a grazed knee
dont you feel any remorse?
dont you feel you've hurt me enough
than to make me put up with ur mood swings cz of ur stress unrelated to me?

what about my stress huh?
what about my world that once revolved around YOU?
what about what i feel with no explanation?
what about appreciation that iv not done damage to you?
or make you suffer?
no, you dont even care, u can just brush me off and go off to ur duties as if i never existed?
and at this crucial time, its got nothin to do with juggling or balancing or what ever rubbish u feed me
u can take an hour or two and explain what u did, and what u gnna do about it
but no, i again..as usual..have to wait till things are convinient for YOU
u can never just settle something right there and then

Why am i not good enough?
have i not given you what you want or need?
have i not always been there?
it doesnt even take 2 phone calls for me to answer
it doesnt even take me days before making u feel cared about
im weak, im hurt, im being kicked when im down
and the funny thing is...
i love you too much to make u suffer likewise
i even tried to make this easy for you, when u x even deserve it!

look at me, and walk on my head again, step on me some more
u havent yet realized how i put myself out here for you
and here i am, the idiot, doing everything in my willpower
to make you understand something, you dont even seem willing to learn.

Time waits for noone!! you make the time!!

About you

2010-11-07T17:36:00.000-08:00

I could dream of you and wake up with a tear in my eye

because that is how beautiful you are

that is how special you are to me

and that reminds me of how our atoms are entwined

and are able to create something amazing

even you couldnt imagine.

Whatever it is

2010-11-07T08:38:00.000-08:00

You know where i am
You know what i feel
You know ur being silly
You know u dot need to be hurt in any way

coz thats not what i intend.

you explained ur truth
iv explained mine..

part 2

2010-11-07T08:35:00.000-08:00

On the 1st page of our story
the future seemed so bright
then this thing you did, that was so evil
i dont know why im still surprised

even angels have, their wicked schemes
and you take that to new extremes
but you'll always be my hero
even though youve lost your mind

now the gravel
in our voices
glasses shattered from
the fight
and this tug of war
you'll always win
EVEN WHEN IM RIGHT
and its sick that all these
battles are what keeps me satisfied

so maybe im, a massacre
i try to run
but i dont want to ever leave
even when the walls are goin up
in smoke with all our memories

(PARTS OF LOVE THE WAY YOU LIE PRT 2)

No Coldness

2010-11-07T08:09:00.000-08:00

This isnt strange
this isnt unfair
this isnt deranged
or too much to bare

This isnt a fault
nor does it cause me pain
This isnt a lesson
nor does it rain

Im not hurt
nor am i of scorn
Im not filled of hated
nor wish i wasnt born

This wont teach me anything
This will only make me weak
this wont even sting
or make my tears seep

BUT IT IS,I AM, AND IT WILL, AND IT HAS

BUT EVENTUALLY IM NOT, I WONT, I WILL AND I CAN..

For Afters

2010-11-06T06:24:00.001-07:00

Its the air and the breeze that suddenly follows

Its the leaves that beautifully turn their colour in autumn

Its the ice cold water fresh from the mountains

Its the nice hot bath after a long day

Its the sugar rush after the cravings

Its the finale after a mere idea

Its the 1st cigarette during a break

Its the meeting after so long

Its the love after the tears

Its Me, wishing upon a star for you

Its ME still here Standing

Its Me trying to rid of my weakness

Its ME trying to smile

AND ITS YOU, THAT makes IT ALL WORTHWHILE

thank you

Lie to me

2010-11-03T01:32:00.000-07:00

I just waana be numb
i dont wanna feel a thing
i dont want reality actually
reality stinks

How about i just pretend, that your cellphone
didnt even ring
and that i wasnt on the other side of the door
listening to everything

Please make me beleive
that theres nobody for you but ME
when i ask who were you talking to
tell me it was ~~RAZALI~~

Baby i need, desperatly, desperatly
to beleive you
coz i wont be held
responsible
for what
i might do

TELL ME ANOTHER LIE!

Enrique Iglesias - Heartbeat ft. Nicole Scherzinger

2010-11-03T00:42:00.000-07:00

Stopstealing my heart away...

No matter what it is you think..im not the kind of girl to blink, or give my heart away..
so stop stealing my heart away..unless you can look after it...

A forgotten smile

2010-11-03T00:31:00.000-07:00

A HUG CAN ACTUALLY MAKE THINGS BETTER, MAKE US FEEL GOOD, CARED ABOUT, LOVED AND THOUGHT OF..

The worst of all feelings

2010-11-01T19:43:00.000-07:00

Is being put down by the person you love, who has consistantly lied to you,
covered his tracks, lied again and again, now even about the smallest thing

and when you try to confront the issue, ur called nasty names

and you just sit on the phone listening to him call you these nasty names as if you are the one in wrong

I have never actually felt my heart break right after it had been broken
the lump in my throat just got bigger
and the pain is sharper than the 1st time it happened

The best part is, even when i was heart broken, i didnt call you any names whatsoever
even though you damn right deserved it

how much more ungrateful can one be

Quotes on LOVE

2010-11-01T11:13:00.000-07:00

Sometimes your nearness takes my breath away; and all the things I want to say can find no voice. Then, in silence, I can only hope my eyes will speak my heart.

You come to love not by finding the perfect person, but by seeing an imperfect person perfectly.

Being deeply loved by someone gives you strength, while loving someone deeply gives you courage.

Love is like a friendship caught on fire: In the beginning a flame, very pretty, often hot and fierce, but still only light and flickering. As love grows older, our hearts mature and our love becomes as coals, deep-burning and unquenchable.

Find a guy who calls you beautiful instead of hot, who calls you back when you hang up on him, who will lie under the stars and listen to your heartbeat, or will stay awake just to watch you sleep... wait for the boy who kisses your forehead, who wants to show you off to the world when you are in sweats, who holds your hand in front of his friends, who thinks you' re just as pretty without makeup on. One who is constantly reminding you of how much he cares and how lucky he is to have YOU... The one who turns to his friends and says, thats her...

Those who are faithful know only the trivial side of love; it is the faithless who know love's tragedies

It seems right now that all I've ever done in my life is making my way here to you

A faithful heart makes wishes come true

I will have poetry in my life. And adventure. And love. Love above all. No...not the artful postures of love, not playful and poetical games of love for the amusement of an evening. but love that...overthrows life. Unbiddable, ungovernable, like a riot in the heart, and nothing to be done, come ruin or rapture

I came here tonight because when you realize you want to spend the rest of your life with somebody, you want the rest of your life to start as soon as possible.

Say you'll share with me one love, one lifetime. Lead me, save me from my solitude. Say you want me with you, here beside you. Anywhere you go, let me go, too. Love me, that's all I ask of you.

Look. I guarantee there'll be tough times. I guarantee that at some point, one or both of us is gonna want to get out of this thing. But, I also guarantee that if I don't ask you to be mine, I'll regret it for the rest of my life, because I know, in my heart, you're the only one for me

Here's one sad truth in life I've found

While journeying east and west

The only folks we really wound
Are those we love the best.
We flatter those we scarcely know,
We please the fleeting guest,
And deal full many a thoughtless blow
To those who love us best.

An un-natural disaster

2010-11-01T10:41:00.000-07:00

Water- quenches thirst of the thirsty, and houses the waterworld

Wood- shelters the poor, and nature

Earth- mediates everything in this world

Fire- does damage or creates warmth

Wind- can enlarge a fire, cause a tsunami,

remove people from their comfort zones and blow earth into a corner
Im experiencing the damage of fire that the wind made worse, i dont have any wood to shelter me, and the only water i have is that from my eyes.

i look to the EARTH, and even though it has little to offer..
it offers me hope and i can handle that for now....

The EARTH too looks at me for hope to give it some WATER, plant a tree to create WOOD, then create a small FIRE to keep me warm from the cold WIND... and it will continue in that circle until

i have enough wood, to BUILD shelter for myself
a fire to keep me WARM
GATHER enough water to drink and stay clean
and use the wind to dry any tears when things get hard

NATURAL RESOURCES CAN BE LOOKED AT AS RELATIONSHIPS TOO, U only need the basics to grow, it doesnt matter how long it takes, when u are determined..you will and no natural disaster can stop you..

I,you,I and why

2010-11-01T01:49:00.000-07:00

I write and i feel when i write, i write what i mean, and i write what i cannot say,

i write with emotion, i write with my head, i write for tomorrow, i write for today

I write for you, every letter every word

wether or not my posts are obsurd

but its all my feelings

and i like it that way

if different is your mood

what do you want me to say?

I am now all and numb

and im floating away

a bright white cloud

on a hot summers day

I wish to be here

i wish to be held

i wish you here now

but i know you've rebelled

My heart is a-fluster

and my mind in soil

my feelings a cluster

and my mood in spoil

Bare with me today

bare with me tomorrow

my mind is disturbed and my heart in sorrow

i think of you much

you will never ever know

pray for me please

coz im about to blow

When while

2010-11-01T01:37:00.000-07:00

While you were confused, i was hurting

While you ask me questions, i couldnt answer

When u looked at me for seconds, i looked at you for minutes

When u thought i never understood, i did

When you thought of me, i thought of you more

When you left, i was always here

Standing here on the corner

by myself..

Thankful

2010-10-31T12:00:00.000-07:00

IM THANKFUL

IM THANKFUL I HAVE A HEART

IM THANKFUL IM ME

IM THANKFUL I KNOW WHAT I WANT

IM THANKFUL IM ABLE TO LOVE

IM THANKFUL IM STRONG

IM THANKFUL I CAN CARRY BURDENS

IM THANKFUL I CAN CARRY PAIN

DONT GIVE UP ON ME

COZ I NEVER GAVE UP ON YOU

Hey YOU

2010-10-26T11:49:00.000-07:00

Im here

AND I UNDERSTAND, DONT YOU EVER THINK OTHERWISE

Me

Ferris wheel of thoughts

2010-10-26T11:39:00.000-07:00

Im somewhat not myself

i cry at night

and i feel down

nothing is alright

and i wear a frown

I feel pushed

and hidden away

im not needed

but my feet wont walk away

Im less admired

Im less seen

I worry more

and its harder to lean

I feel unwanted and

not as missed

you dont show as much desire

when u kiss

Im still here

trying to be strong

catch me faster

id hate to be dead gone

Your killing me!

Conflicting view

2010-10-26T11:27:00.000-07:00

Im not minus, ur not plus
Im still here so please dont fuss

I miss you more than you will ever know
I sit watching the clouds and count as they go

I think of you before i start my deams
and u are everywhere it apparently seems

I can run, yet i cant fight
You are the reason i cant sleep at night

Your stress and your thoughts
yes im the same too

Whatever your problem
Im here for YOU.

Just So you know, we can meet on ground
or even in the sky
I wont let you down
ill try not to let any chance go by

little things

2010-10-25T19:53:00.000-07:00

Dont kiss me because you know you can

Kiss me because its all you have been thinking about

Dont hold me because your cold

Hold me because u feel afraid ill hurt myself if you dont

Dont hold my hand to prove your my partner

Hold my hand because you need me and dont want me to get lost

Dont shower me with roses because ur old fashioned

Shower me with them because u think im beautiful, even if i dont

The imagination

2010-10-25T19:43:00.000-07:00

Its like being injected with venom
and eaten away slowly

Is like a diabetic cutting themselves
its feels so good

Its like jumping into a swimming pool
on the hottest day

Its like having a bath
after a long day at work

Its like a garden full of trees and flowers
its so beautiful

Its like the climax of a movie
something you wait for

Its like the orgasm
you crave for while making love

its like standing on the highest mountain
with a spectacular view

Its like having a bandage
put on a cut knee

These are the things
I feel about you

If only i knew whats on your mind....

Something like a pixar story

2010-10-25T19:25:00.000-07:00

I sit on a shelf and watch those around me

Some of them i know, some of them i dont

I still sit on this shelf, with my head now tilted

they are getting all your attention

im not

i used to, i used to be ur favorite one

i used to be missed and you couldnt wait to see me

i used to be the reason you smile in the morning

i used to get ur 100% attention without trying

you used to want to keep me by urside every chance you get

you used to be willing to play with my hair and cuddle me

you used to make me beleive i was ur number 1

but now im the old rag doll,

still on the shelf,

still waiting to be held

still waiting to be played with again

now collecting dust, and maybe soon cobwebbs

i still long to be what i was to you

but its wether you want to or not..

dont turn me into something you clean the floor with

or a toy for your cats

i come once in a lifetime

so please take care of me

late afternoon

2010-10-25T10:46:00.000-07:00

Its just us and our thoughts

ur thoughts are not like my thoughts

but somehow they are related, and before i sleep

fall into my pillow

my pillow saves me, because it carries my heavy head everynight

with my heavy thought

OF YOU

Mind Me

2010-10-23T04:30:00.000-07:00

Hey

Wherever your mind is

mine is with you

wherever you are

whatever you do

if ever there was a war, and we each were a boat

we would be Un-sinkable

thats how strong our hearts and minds should be

i long to be the person

who keeps you on the clouds and your feet on the ground

yes i do

* Sigh*

2010-10-23T04:20:00.000-07:00

As i lay my head after a tiring day

i quietly thank thee for listening to me all the time when u have it

i thank thee for making me feel so darn special without fail

i miss thee even at thy side

i thought of thee as i walked myself down the red aisle to the stage

i thought of thee watching me from afar

i think of thee now

i think of thee tomorrow

i think you think what i think

and among all my happiness and my sorrow

thy wish thou art pleased with me

Finally

2010-10-23T04:13:00.000-07:00

I GRADUATED!!! woohooo!!! i was so nervous, and worried when or if i would have a clumsy moment..i even put on my flat shoes just in case lol, but i didnt trip! i had to walk in 1st as well cz my friend decided not to turn up..so i couldnt do much lol...as i sat in front row i realised i have finally achieved smthing, and it felt so darn good i started somethin i managed to finish..TOP OF MY WHOLE CLASS AS WELL! im so pleased with myself. Saw most of my juniors there, even the mentally challenged guy who STILL says Wassup2 yO Yo Yo when he saw me, he used to always do that in college, maybe cz im white..poor guy..i know he means well, n while walking to my table he waited for me to walk by and did it again, even managed to get Congratulations into his sentence, *freaked out slightly* ( much) i empathized n said thank you, tryna keep my face from showing i was terrified lol!! and as i made my way to my table all the people i wanted there ( except one or two who wasnt there, due to certain circumstances) were waiting for me and khalis gave me a beautiful bunch of flowers which made me feel very pleased and thought about, plus it was better than evryone elses lol...family and the loves of my life sat around the table with me, just as hungry as i was and patiently waited for our food) Brothers made me laugh tho, since they hate weekend mornings , probably from the hangovers of night b4...but they laughed it off, dad was there too, which almost brought me to tears cz i know somehow in that ego of his, hes proud of me..

Went to Bsc to dome, had a chit chat, then joined khalis's sister and his nephews for late lunch..had to carry the little one since he was scared of all the halloween stuff, but i love it...

Bought myself a very expensive yet so totally worth bottle of pomegranate vinagar, u can use it on salads, ice cream, even fruits or on its own, there were hundreds of flavours but i liked the one i bought, Masam-Manis and has a kick to it..yummmmyyyyy

Tonight will be partying it up in 789 WITH MY lil bro's, extended bros and my sisters who i love to death, khalis and a few others....im probably gnna get so smashed tonight..god help me! but its for a good cause and plus i hardly get smashed at all..panadol on the standby..

CELEBRATION OF MY GRATUATION cant wait ......

question mark

2010-10-20T21:56:00.000-07:00

What is wrong?
why are u behaving this way?
what have i said?
what have i done?

your behaviour is troubling
its all of a sudden
and im worried, ur leaving me in the dark

all i have right now is question marks

Sleeping like this

2010-10-20T12:39:00.000-07:00

Iv learned how to laugh

iv learned how to try

iv learned that when i give up

somehow i have to try

iv learned how to spread my wings

but i dont know how to fly

i know what i feel

i know what i dont

i know i cant conceal

i cant and i wont

i know that u hear

i know that you see

but u dissapear

why could this be

im sitting here and dont know what to do

when all i want, is to be there with you

i miss you so much, a river i could cry

i miss you so much i could die

i miss your warmth

i miss your smile

i miss being with you and feeling worthwhile

give me a text

let it rest my head

a call would be best

cz im going to bed

without ur voice

without ur words

i have no choice

and i know its obsurd

but it hurts, my heart

that i have to sleep alone and were apart....

Could it be

2010-10-20T09:23:00.000-07:00

AM I REALLY THAT BAD IN UR EYES?
HAVE I NOT DONE ENOUGH?
WHAT IS IT I DO THATS NEVER ENOUGH
THAT IM TREATED THIS WAY?

I BLEED, I BLEED, I BLEED

CURSE THE ISSUES, CURSE THEM ALL

WHERE ARE YOU WHEN I NEED YOU?

BUSY..
ASLEEP..
NAPPING..
EATING..
DRIVING.. WHAT ELSE?

I come 1st

2010-10-20T09:19:00.000-07:00

I should be your priceless find
i should be on a pedestal
not standing in line
so make that choice
u must decide
its nothing or ME for life

why is it so hard to prioritize me
why is it so hard to make me feel important
why is it so easy for you to complain
and not compliment

if im such a bad person in ur eyes
if im somethin u just cant handle
why let me break my back for you
why let me do the things i do
why let me love you unconditionally
why let me cry and not wipe my tears
why give me excuses u cant come to me and so i go 2 u
why let me tell you how much u mean to me and not get the same treatment

i come 1st or i dont come at all....

appreciate me, or even pretend to....... i beg of you

2010 2010

2010-10-20T01:12:00.000-07:00

You have not been yourself, uv been distant...im still caught up wondering about what else u have been dishonest about..but im trying not to.. so i deserve a bit of credit
Your not making time for me and everything just seems as tho its one sided..
I need your time too, even for an hour
you dont even come see me
i come see you, i make that part easy FOR YOU!

Fine ur in your finals, and you ask me to not see you on the weeknds, making me feel like a goat who just comes when asked, and leaves when asked.
your not appreciating me or my effort by doing so
in fact its pushing me far far away
i used to cry every night b4 i sleep, wondering what did i do to deserve the treatment where im not being understood
Now i just dont know what to do, do i turn cold and hope im missed..
Do i continue being the loving, no stopping, effortless me who comes to u on weekends even when u x need to ask me to, and yet still risk geting my head stepped on.
At night we hardly talk, and it gives me ideas those you still chatting to those girls, its driving me nuts, as much as i tell myself your not.

Iv poured my heart out to you, and my feelings i write on here, whatever feelings i have...you x even take the time to read any of it.

I x even know what you expect of me..to understand..i do.. i do whatever i can to not get in ur way, but with a deal u at least bring me out for an hour! 1 hour of ur time.

These past few days you dont even know what has been on my mind or whats happening with my work, in fact the past two weeks you barely even noticed i makan pun xbetul..and that im still not well and having a sore throat and cough.

Dont get me wrong, im not dissing you, but you make excuses for everything, ur behaving such a way cz of ur finals, u not talkin to me cz u were sleeping because you were reading for your finals, u didnt hear my call because u were concentrating on your work For your finals. You didnt reply because u went upstairs to rest after studying for ur finals..ur charging ur fone because of ur finals..

Do u forget me because of ur finals? is your finals now feeding you? dressing you? making sure your ok? is ur finals giving u panadol? is ur finals tryna make u feel better? is your finals trying to get you to relax? is your finals cleaning up after you? hanging up your clothes? hoovering ur room? taking care of you in any way at all???? I wonder...is it really because of your finals...u x even talk to me because OF YOUR FINALS.

YOUR FINALS ARE THE ONLY EXCUSE YOU HAVE FOR TREATING ME THIS WAY?
its not your finals..its you!

What do i do with me? im still here on the shelf, and collecting dust day by day.

Butterflies on my mind

2010-10-18T23:55:00.000-07:00

The thought of you takes me higher than an aeroplane
i just want to lay in your arms as we speak in the tall grasses of the hills and the clouds
that set themselves upon the mountain tops. and the breeze that brushes past my face and the setting sun
that is so in love with the sky, it never wishes to leave...

Take me away, from the numb-ness of this world, where i wont have to think, take me far away to the forests where we can live amoung nature and animals andswim in the rivers. Catch fish with our bare hands and make beds in the trees..and when it rains ill shelter you from the cold, i would...
i would do anything for you, i smile when ur not with me because u make me smile just thinking of you..

I would bleed to see you smile, i would threaten anyone who took that away...
u dont need to do much to make someone like me stay.

I like to think u know...but you just dont.....but god knows...he knows...i know...

The smiling image

2010-10-18T20:14:00.000-07:00

And with just the images you created in my head
the torture of the thought
the tense moment i linger waiting for
the clouds i float on
the water u let me walk on
and the song that forever fills my mind
a heartbeat
the two same mindsets
the two things we both want
im losing my breath
and i die with a smile on my face

thank you

You

2010-10-18T11:31:00.000-07:00

Your smile makes my day
Your laugh makes my day
Your voice makes my day
Your warmth makes my day

Your eyes makes my day
The butterflies you still give me make my day
Your words make my day

Please say more, it helps

These eyes

2010-10-17T20:05:00.000-07:00

These eyes read every word

These eyes are on you when you dont see them

These eyes see you for you

Theses eyes have never judged you

These eyes look for yours

These eyes wonder of you

These eyes are mine....

....and they miss seeing you every single day....

Yours Truely xxx

So Near Yet So Far

2010-10-17T09:01:00.000-07:00

You would be sitting next to me, as we continue the chit chat among ourselves
You would whisper in my ear what you were feeling
You would look at me and i would not know what you are thinking
You would brush my hair away from my face and pinch my nose
You would stare at me as if it was only the two of us in the universe

BUT

Your mind seems elsewhere
Your not telling me what you are feeing, your talking to others instead of me
You glance at me in seconds instead of minutes
Your hands are too far to reach for and your eyes and body are not where i want them

and you are just irresistable to thought, and i cant help myself

i can only UNDERSTAND that you and me have the ability to read each-others thoughts

Apart

2010-10-14T11:25:00.000-07:00

If theres anyone i need right now..its you

and i know you know it

If theres anyone im thinking about right now its you

If theres any way i could have you by my side

i would

If theres anyway you could just tell me how ur feeling this very second

i would listen

Apart from all this, you know how to make me feel strong and hopeful...even when im not

APART FROM ANYTHING, I NEVER KNEW I COULD MISS YOU THIS MUCH

Just the sight

2010-10-14T11:14:00.000-07:00

Those lips of yours i long to kiss
Those eyes make me shy
The skin on you, and the warmth beneath it
When i see your face, i cant help but smile

Wrap your arms around me
Stroke my face with the back of ur hand
Hold me close to you
Smile for me even if im not there
Think of me even when i cant be by ur side

Even if this is nothing but a thought,
even if we are not on the same page
even if you were to do it when u please
at least let it be real and meaningful eachan every time
I would appreciate it right now...it would make me smile anyway

If only i felt it...

2010-10-13T01:09:00.000-07:00

I wanna be that 1 in a million..the best you ever had

Breeze

2010-10-12T23:35:00.000-07:00

Whenever the warm breeze passes me..i think of you

Whenever it rains.. i think of you

Whenever the sun is out.. i think of you

Whenever im at work..i think of you

Whenever im at home..i think of you

Whenever i dream..i wake up thinking about you

When i think of places to go, i want to go with you

Places to sit and talk forever, i want it to be with you

Ideas, thoughts and goals..i want to build them with you

Whenever i remember these things, i wonder if you think the same for me...

where are you

2010-10-12T20:46:00.000-07:00

Do you think of me at all? like how the summmer remembers the wind, and like the wind catches the grass.. its a cycle..like how i always think of you..
How water thinks of the shore, the fish that live in the water and us humans who catch the fish,
How a fly gets caught in a web, the spider catches the fly and then something eats the spider..

YOU are much more beautiful to watch, from near, from far away...i could think a million ways to catch you..try and make you see exactly what i see..Even tho we are both very different in thought in face and background..the feeling we have is the same
and there for are equal...

Please dont

2010-10-12T20:31:00.000-07:00

Im chasing your clouds, but im alone in the chase
Im tired of waiting by the phone and thinking of your face
Im tired of tryna talk and having to wait hours for a reply
your different for some reason, and i cant work out why...

Please dont make me turn cold and freeze over, you wont like it, and neither will i...

Clock & Space

2010-10-12T19:10:00.000-07:00

Please dont tell me that you have no time, because thats rubbish

When you want to, you will make time to spare for me....

And i am still here waiting for that to happen..if it ever will.....

you dont seem to worry much at all, what i think...

Time is ticking and my patience is running out sitting here by myself..

Dont you wonder what im thinking or feeling?

JUST BECAUSE IM SILENT, DOES NOT MEAN IM NOT IN PAIN BY ALL THIS

The smiling stranger

2010-10-07T23:34:00.000-07:00

In the car at a traffic light, an old mental man walks across the road past my car, he stops..looks at me..smiles and gives a thumbs up...i dont actually know what he meant by it, but i smiled back....

he then crosses the road and continuously looks back at me as he walks..when he gets to the corner he stops and waits while staring at me as i drive past smiling towards me, as if no problems ever came his way..
under his menatl inabilaity..he definately made me feel grateful that at the moment. everything in my mind body and soul is ( somewhat) in proper working order....no matter how mental or whatever he is...he took the effort to smile and he got one in return so that i could cheer him up..out of all the people in the world, most are afraid to show a smile at mental people for fear of attack or any form of harm, hes not in order, but hes human and if he smiled at me 1st he bloody well deserves one back, he knew i wasnt going to step out of my car and talk to him, he just past by and continued his journey..he must be grateful for a lot of things too

god bless him....

Ampang 8:40am Flamingo traffic lights

Finally

2010-10-07T21:10:00.000-07:00

Nothing feels as good as an apology
Nothing feels as good as seening someone you miss
Nothing feels as good as food you have craved for
Nothing feels as good as an accomplishment

NOTHING FEELS BETTER THAN THE TRUTH

Back to what i know

2010-10-07T19:03:00.000-07:00

Besides all the distraught lately, iv decided to get back to my gym afterweeks of excusing myself..
Bought my stuff and a new exercise ball, totally loving it.
im feeling much more motivated, im slowly learning to pull out my frustration wen working out so it boosts my will-power.
Im renovating my house soon, so im looking forward to a new bedroom as well, i love designing things its such a drive.

Been having quite a bit of ups n downs lately, the downs more than the ups..yeah shed a few tears and a lotta hurt..but why should i bother caring if the other person doesnt care about what i feel right? its so messed up...
besides that..

NEXT WEEK ILL BE FINISHING WORK AT 5PM for good ! YIPEEEEE yes we protested we change the go-home time and dad agreed so im def over the moon about that!

Now all that i plan to do this weekend hasnt quite been planned yet...not in the mood to do much to be honest, the wound i was trying to heal was ripped open again..... tsk tsk....

I have also started taking interest in the kitchen..which is quite unusual as i only cook what i know and eat it, lately iv been trying at things i dnt know...so far my jelly was perfect but i forgot about my brownies and burned half the tray! damnnn nice!!!

after all

2010-10-07T18:35:00.000-07:00

Out of all the hurt and sadness i feel, all ur mistakes or maybe not entirely

im the one drowning in my own tears and feeling aweful

im the one sitting in a puddle wishing it would swallow me for a while

im feeling all these things, and you dont seem remotely bothered by this..

but GOD is great, and somehow he'll try and stop my tears..

and hopefully put a smile back on my face....

Oh my F***ing GOD

2010-10-07T09:33:00.000-07:00

I DONT F***ing deserve THIS!!!!

F***********************************K ALL OF THIS BULLSHIT!!!!!!!

I DIDNT ASK FOR IT!!!!!!!!!!

YOU COULD HAVE DONE THINGS SO MUCH BETTER!!!!!

WHY DO THIS TO MEEEEEEEEEEEEEE!!!!

Like a little red book

2010-10-06T00:17:00.000-07:00

Even though, some people find happiness and excitement in big things, i find laughter, and everything else, with simple things. The simplest of a title could be the most interesting peice of work you have ever seen.
It makes me wonder what authors think about when writing a book...or even a movie..some might even hate what they vomit out into the world, but some of them do not know that their peices have made some of us feel so special and appreciative of such simplicity, things that we ourselves never thought could be put out there for others to laugh at and understand....however not everything needs to be understood... :)

Maybe it does take somethin simple in order to appreciate many other things, its shows you how to appreciate the human mind, and how it can work with thousands of thoughts at a time, make you feel certain ways about things even if its that 1 out of a 5000 feelings that u remember. The smaller moments in life ( when spent with someone who cares for you and loves you) can make you feel on top of the world and its moments such as these ill forever be grateful for.

Smile within

2010-10-04T23:39:00.000-07:00

I know i miss you thats for sure, with every wind, every ray of sunlight, every refelction of it too, if only you knew, if only you knew.. every day it makes me smile bcause i know u dont know that i know how much ur missed. Hell, u might not even care..but i do..more than u know, especially when ur stressed, i cant help but feel to blame..it may not even be my fault, but thats how much i care. If you don't have a smile, I'll give you one of mine, but would u keep it? beacause thats what would make me happy, to see you happy and not frowning and under the rain...

You know where i am if you need me..ill try not to get in your way..but even though i move myself far enough..do u miss me? do wish what i wish? do you need me at all?

maybe only god knows

Alexis

Corner of Concrete

2010-09-28T02:35:00.000-07:00

And between the cement, stone and steel, here i am again, alone in the corner..

the cassette has been rewinded, as i stand here with my ciggarette, back to my usual thoughts

looking on at the cars that go by, at the people who walk past in their own worlds

i stand here once again..in the corner by the entrance..by myself

A thought at night

2010-09-27T10:27:00.000-07:00

Im sorry for the hurt iv caused

Im sorry for the pain

Im sorry if my sunshine ever brought you rain

Im sorry if i made you scared

or ever brought u fear

Im sorry if i made you sad

or ever shed a tear

Im sorry if if i had too much to say

and made you feel i dont want to hear you

Im sorry when i got mad

and made you upset too

But im not sorry i loved

or the fact that i chose you

im not sorry you fell for me

and loved me back too

Im not sorry we met

or not see eachother all day long

im not sorry i try to understand

because thats what makes me strong

I miss you and your face

and i hope that you miss mine

becoz even tho were not always together

we will when we have time

-ALEXIS TIFFANY-

Invisible

2010-09-27T10:04:00.000-07:00

Are you wearing Harry Potter'S invisible cloak? because i just don't see you...WHERE HAVE YOU GONE?

AND?

2010-09-23T00:51:00.000-07:00

Above all..i miss you like hell!!!!! i miss you like a thirsty cactus, i miss you like a dried-out river with no water,i miss you like the earth with no sun..i miss you like an animal with no food, like a car with no wheels or a bird with no wings...

i just really miss you..

i just want to kidnapp you and run away so noon knows where we are and we can just do the things we wanna do and never have a single worry because we have eachother!!
i hate my weekdays w-out you, the nights we dont get to talk, the thoughts i dont get to share with you..and the silly jokes u laugh at....
do u understand anything iv just said?

this is torture!

Line of thoughts

2010-09-23T00:08:00.000-07:00

Remember that its not fair to only understand me WHEN ITS CONVINIENT FOR YOU, when you only have the time to....I may not like what im asked to understand, but hell im trying, because u need me to....WHAT ABOUT TRYING TO DO THE SAME FOR ME RIGHT NOW?

WOULD U EVEN TRY?

Thank you for reading anyway

C.T.W. (CRUELTY TO WOMEN)

2010-09-22T23:55:00.000-07:00

Just sit down girls, take a good deep thought about yourselves...
I am very inspired to try and understand how cruel some people are and how women really need to stop giving in all the time.

It is hard being a woman..we are people pleasers, we gain whatever we can for ourselves, get married, become baby machines and home makers....and most of us do not realise it till the sky falls on our heads.We clean, we cook we try everything, most of the time to make others happy. Most women sadly only know how to do just that, many are not aware at all of their rights and entitlments. We can be stuck at home looking after our children, giving in and giving out and making a house a home...while our husbands are out playing the field with other women( which completely ruins a woman, self-esteem, pride and dignity) ..and im SHOCKED to understand, some women can just turn a blind eye and continue their lives knowing that and STILL living in the same house, same bed as their husband, that they married out of love and started a family with..some can actually put up with a whole life of uhappiness and not even say a word..this is no good!
GET OUT THERE GIRLS AND SAY SOMETHING!!

What is it that you men WANT? what is never good enough for you?? what is it that u men consider happiness... why is it, we have to give in to you, when it ALWAYS convinient for you? why is it, you just dont know any self-control...why is it, one never seems to be enough?

Dont get me wrong, there are very few out there who are doing a good job in being loyal and honest to themselves and their girlfriends/ wives and such... but there is just so many who spoil it for the good ones.

Im not stereotyping, dont get me wrong, IV MET MANY BAD EGGS in my time..and even though i think iv found a good egg... its just over lunch i met a friend, single mother, husband has been sleeping w another woman for a year now, and refuses to divorce her the usual way, he wants to drag her to court( which could go on for years), while she has to look after her 3 kids on her own, besides her great job...shes suffering... why are you men so cruel.....STOP BEING GREEDY, STOP THE INFIDELITY, THE GAMES AND THE LATE NIGHTS AND LOVE YOUR 1 WOMAN, BECAUSE GOD DAMN IT..SHE LOVES YOU.

The approaching darkness

2010-09-21T23:44:00.000-07:00

All this space gets emptier, the more i realize your just not where i am...

AND YOU JUST DONT SEE MY POSITION

Hider Seeker

2010-09-21T20:45:00.000-07:00

IS this really neccessary? and if so..i wonder how long for

its ridiculous..

2010-09-21T01:10:00.000-07:00

TIRED

Mentally. Physically. Emotionally.

I am Exhausted

Wouldnt it be nice

2010-09-20T21:02:00.000-07:00

Wouldnt it be nice if they just turned around and said :

Im very sorry, iv realized you intentions were good and not what i supposed they were...

Wouldnt it be better if sometimes we could rewind, erase and play...

LIFE AINT ALL THAT GREAT TO US

Tick Tock

2010-09-20T19:07:00.000-07:00

I waited yesterday, you never tried to look for me..yet i had to understand....

I waited in the morning...u must be busy..nevermind

I waited a few minutes ago.....no signs of avail...

Im still waiting...but maybe wont be for long..

Im such an idiot

My graduation

2010-09-20T08:36:00.000-07:00

IM GRADUATING ON THE 9TH OF OCTOBER AT LE MERIDIAN HOTEL AT 11AM IN THE MORNING!! i thought graduation were held at night ?? oh well...

IM SO EXCITED!!! and those who i want to be proud of me shall be there

i need to go shopping for a dress!!!! aarrghhhhhhhh

One Day

2010-09-20T01:50:00.000-07:00

One day ..i will be able to let the rain pour on me on purpose because i feel free enough to let it..

One day im going to take strolls in tall grass fields and let the sun kiss my face and appreciate it..

One day i will gallop through forests on my white horse and just admire mother nature

One day i will sit by a waterfall and just dream away, with that pen in my hand and write them all down...

One day i will be awoken by deer and rabbits and squirrels , just like in Snow white
and awoken by loves kiss like in Sleeping Beauty, maybe even befriend a fish and a crab, like the little ,mermaid...who knows.....but I KNOW
One day i will attempt to make a historical difference...

Simply because life is too short and i want to make a difference in everyones life...wether its appreciated or not...

A year without rain

2010-09-19T23:21:00.000-07:00

Deadly Silence

2010-09-19T22:21:00.000-07:00

AND AS I SIT HERE..COMPLETELY BESIDE MYSELF, I LOOK UP TO THE SKY

I ASKED GOD ...WHAT THE HELL DID I DO IN ORDER TO DESERVE ALL THIS...

GOD STILL HASNT ANSWERED ME...ALONG WITH THE MANY OTHER QUESTIONS IV ASKED HIM BEFORE.... STILL..HE REMAINS SILENT....I AM YET TO FIND OUT WHAT HE MEANS BY THIS SILENCE OF HIS....

Upon my return

2010-09-19T20:44:00.000-07:00

Today i will visit you, i will walk slowly towards you half in excitement, half unsure..

Because i know, once i find the right title... i will enjoy you , i will learn something , i will laugh, i may even cry but i will be happy..just for a moment...

my exit would be filled with sorrow...till i return

Times book shop... im coming to you after work..u better have my book

The road untaken

2010-09-19T20:24:00.000-07:00

The turns you make in life are not always because you know..its because you think and assume...

i refuse to be that assumption or even part of it.. if u chose to turn a blind eye at that fact..by all means go ahead...because u never understood...

Know before you think...

What its not

2010-09-19T19:49:00.000-07:00

She has so much sadness in her heart with almost a decade of burdens and other people buring her in their wants and needs...she became a people pleaser and never puttingherself 1st.., it distorts what she really is...maybe because noone else noticed it...

She never meant to be perceived that way..and hopes she will be seen for the person she really is..if you can see that far inside her...

maybe somewhere there is hope

a sudden dark cloud

2010-09-19T19:19:00.000-07:00

Im here...i always have been....but you are no longer looking for me...

so i wont bother you.. i miss you..but im here..i just hope u know that