Finding light from shadows

All it took was to pray
for the 1st time in my life..i felt at ease, i felt calm..throughout all the anger and stress u have put me through the past 6 months..
i wouldnt say im not angry at all or upset still, i just feel much more calm than i have been in the past 24 hours. 
why do you put me through so much? why do u continue to be this person i dont know..
havent you done enough damage already? i should maybe actually thank you, in a twisted way, because its brought me to pray. which has now brought me some sort of inner peace(at least till now) 

i have resorted to all kinds of remedies to try ease my frustration towards you, and only now i have found the best remedy. 

im hoping one day, when u do the same..it will not be because of your anger or your frustrations, but simply because you want to..

i have found my light..in my darkest place.

Ok..now breathe...

i miss you...god damn it i fucking miss u...i miss YOU ..i miss US! i miss how we were..i miss how better we could become...i hate u for giving up! i hate how i constantly think of u before i sleep, when i wake up and how miserable this has been making me and how im in THAT much of denial...i want to run away far enough so nothing reminds me of you....but how the hell can i ..when every good thing i come across makes me want to share it with you.....!!!



WHY GOD....WHY!! 

Actually

Actually ..Before this.. i used to enjoy missing you...it pinched but i liked it...i enjoyed how id fall asleep with a smile on my face knowing u miss me too, n love me n how its gonna feel when i do get 2 see you..how id be able to kiss you, hug u..look after you..treat you...
that was before...

Now i can only look over my shoulder..wishing... AND I FUCKING HATE IT NOW...

I may seem different in the ways i treat you..but its only because when i want to do so many things to u, or say so many things 2 u...i know im only going to hurt myself..so i keep it to myself, hoping u can hear it..with u knowing my heart( which in reality u cant hear) but i am holding back, im too damn scared to say what i feel, or what i want..because of the amount of time and effort it took to build back the walls i have now...ALMOST KILLED ME..

So just know...i havent lost it for you..i still got it...i just refuse to show it due to knowing myself too well...and u said it isnt what u want..so im gnna have 2 keep it this way..

god knows how much iv missed u...n the changes im encountering...its jz sad i cant hold ur hand through it....so good luck with ur new-found freedom....




i love u....always have...always will.....

Sometimes

I have to admit, i love giving at any time for any reason, it makes me happy and seeing THAT SMILE ON THEIR FACE WHEN THEY GET IT, AND THEY ARE ALL EXCITED AND HAPPY and Cheerful.


But, why do i feel like im losing out somehow. I dont expect anything to be very honest..but it just sucks when it only comes on Birthdays... :( ... DAMMIT     and then it gets even more awkward when u cant hold it in and you start asking why or when u will get urs like some pathetic dog begging to be shown appreciation. then the issue of not having own money comes in which is totally retarded coz hell if i can everyone else can, its the effort that counts. even if its only pen and paper. even if its made from 10 matchbox's its WORTH something... this sucks really feeling like this. 

Looking Up

In Anything we do, it takes courage and effort..it will get better. Theres no point telling yourself it wont happen, when it can and it will if you try, anything and everything happens when you try. We can all clasp our hands and say we cant...but in actual fact..everything starts with you.

1 week, 3 days

After all the crap thats gone down, iv been trying to talk to you, a proper sit down and express what im feeling, everytime i do, u either have to do something or its not the right time. when i do it at home, you have to do something, when were outside you say we should discuss it at home and when we get home you dont even bother to ask to continue, when we are on the phone you have to go somewhere or your not listening. NOW you tell me how the hell do you expect me to just keep quiet like its nothing. You say u want your space, but you spend it with your friends. you say ur depressed about not having a job but u use the internet for unnecessary things. You say your far from god, yet you dont try and pray.


how the hell am i supposed to get any answer from you at all

tell me.

How they do it

What i never understood until now, was exactly what i used to fear deep within me, people can lie about so many things and not even feel a slight bit of regret or remorse for those whom they lie to be it friends, girlfriend, boyfriend, family , husband or even wife. How can such human beings go through life constantly making those who love them believe whatever it is that they say to be true? not realizing they are creating a world for themselves full of disbelief..no honesty, no truthfulness for not only themselves but making others attempt to believe their unreliable truths. How do we trust people such as these, who are only good at talking, but have no idea how or what to do about stopping the hurt to those around them, simply when what they do is completely unnecessary in the 1st place.These lies are not even to protect anyone but themselves, selfish lies to create a persona of someone who could be the devil's side-kick, pretenders. Some say that lies are habits..bad habits..but how do you look at it when lies are all a person knows, they know it so well they don't know where to start about telling the TRUTH, even when those around them know it already. 

second time around

The sickness i feel in my tummy, is no comparison to an ordinary stomach ache, its an overwhelming churn of pure eating-my-heart-out hunger.. the kind when your heart has been thrown out of its comfort zone and squished till its no longer able to function.
Then naturally the mind and the rest of you that is still trying to cope with the pain and the shock is only doing what it was used 2 doing..LOVING

When the nerves in you are no longer attached to the heart, since its been ripped out, the are trying to find somewhere to attach themselves, desperately searching for something to hold on to.

this is me..numb, wallowing in despair, holding back all the tears that are just screaming to get out of my system, and im trying..ever so hard to keep them all in, trying to tell myself to be strong and catch a grip of myself before i lose it. This is what happens when you love too much.
a lesson i know far too well, a situation i find myself being in very familiar, being left..being pulled away from.
what does one do, when the other isnt ready? isnt ready for the hardship, isnt ready to just be pure..almost 3 years of constant 1 way effort n just 2 even get a voice heard. Iv had my fair share of wrong-doings no mistake, but its definately a mistake i can correct...

im not aware of whats around me right now, i sit here still fighting my feelings as hes asleep in his bed. cold shouldered and making me look desperate...i am...im desperate to be loved back...noones been able to hold my heart and not break it...once it gets to 2 years...they are gone..they are not ready...im confused, im blaming myself, and the one i love the most, who i have unconditionally given a majority of myself to...has decided he cant do it anymore...

what can i say...there goes something i assumed was just as special, somethin worth fighting for..
maybe im not worth fighting for...maybe all of this was just a beautiful illusion i had in my mind...

but whatever it was...its now gone...for the 2nd time