Thankful

IM THANKFUL


IM THANKFUL I HAVE A HEART


IM THANKFUL IM ME


IM THANKFUL I KNOW WHAT I WANT


IM THANKFUL IM ABLE TO LOVE


IM THANKFUL IM STRONG


IM THANKFUL I CAN CARRY BURDENS


IM THANKFUL I CAN CARRY PAIN




DONT GIVE UP ON ME


COZ I NEVER GAVE UP ON YOU

Hey YOU

Im here




AND I UNDERSTAND, DONT YOU EVER THINK OTHERWISE




Me

Ferris wheel of thoughts

Im somewhat not myself

i cry at night

and i feel down

nothing is alright

and i wear a frown

I feel pushed 

and hidden away

im not needed

but my feet wont walk away

Im less admired

Im less seen

I worry more

and its harder to lean

I feel unwanted and

not as missed

you dont show as much desire

when u kiss

Im still here

trying to be strong

catch me faster

id hate to be dead gone

Your killing me! 

Conflicting view

Im not minus, ur not plus
Im still here so please dont fuss

I miss you more than you will ever know
I sit watching the clouds and count as they go

I think of you before i start my deams
and u are everywhere it apparently seems

I can run, yet i cant fight
You are the reason i cant sleep at night

Your stress and your thoughts
yes im the same too

Whatever your problem
Im here for YOU.

Just So you know, we can meet on ground
or even in the sky
I wont let you down
ill try not to let any chance go by

little things

Dont kiss me because you know you can

Kiss me because its all you have been thinking about

Dont hold me because your cold

Hold me because u feel afraid ill hurt myself if you dont

Dont hold my hand to prove your my partner

Hold my hand because you need me and dont want me to get lost

Dont shower me with roses because ur old fashioned

Shower me with them because u think im beautiful, even if i dont

The imagination

Its like being injected with venom
and eaten away slowly

Is like a diabetic cutting themselves
its feels so good

Its like jumping into a swimming pool
on the hottest day

Its like having a bath
after a long day at work

Its like a garden full of trees and flowers
its so beautiful

Its like the climax of a movie
something you wait for

Its like the orgasm
you crave for while making love

its like standing on the highest mountain
with a spectacular view

Its like having a bandage
put on a cut knee

These are the things
I feel about you


If only i knew whats on your mind....

Something like a pixar story

I sit on a shelf and watch those around me

Some of them i know, some of them i dont

I still sit on this shelf, with my head now tilted

they are getting all your attention

im not

i used to, i used to be ur favorite one

i used to be missed and you couldnt wait to see me

i used to be the reason you smile in the morning

i used to get ur 100% attention without trying

you used to want to keep me by urside every chance you get

you used to be willing to play with my hair and cuddle me

you used to make me beleive i was ur number 1

but now im the old rag doll,

 still on the shelf,

still waiting to be held

still waiting to be played with again

now collecting dust, and maybe soon cobwebbs

i still long to be what i was to you

but its wether you want to or not..

dont turn me into something you clean the floor with

or a toy for your cats

i come once in a lifetime

so please take care of me

late afternoon

Its just us and our thoughts

ur thoughts are not like my thoughts

but somehow they are related, and before i sleep

fall into my pillow

my pillow saves me, because it carries my heavy head everynight

with my heavy thought 

OF YOU 

Mind Me

Hey

Wherever your mind is

mine is with you

wherever you are

whatever you do

if ever there was a war, and we each were a boat

we would be Un-sinkable

thats how strong our hearts and minds should be

i long to be the person

who keeps you on the clouds and your feet on the ground

yes i do

* Sigh*

As i lay my head after a tiring day

i quietly thank thee for listening to me all the time when u have it 

i thank thee for making me feel so darn special without fail

i miss thee even at thy side

i thought of thee as i walked myself down the red aisle to the stage

i thought of thee watching me from afar

i think of thee now

i think of thee tomorrow

i think you think what i think

and among all my happiness and my sorrow

thy wish thou art pleased with me 

Finally

I  GRADUATED!!! woohooo!!! i was so nervous, and worried when or if i would have a clumsy moment..i even put on my flat shoes just in case lol, but i didnt trip! i had to walk in 1st as well cz my friend decided not to turn up..so i couldnt do much lol...as i sat in front row i realised i have finally achieved smthing, and it felt so darn good i started somethin i managed to finish..TOP OF MY WHOLE CLASS AS WELL! im so pleased with myself. Saw most of my juniors there, even the mentally challenged guy who STILL says Wassup2 yO Yo Yo when he saw me, he used to always do that in college, maybe cz im white..poor guy..i know he means well, n while walking to my table he waited for me to walk by and did it again, even managed to get Congratulations into his sentence, *freaked out slightly* ( much) i empathized n said thank you, tryna keep my face from showing i was terrified lol!! and as i made my way to my table all the people i wanted there ( except one or two who wasnt there, due to certain circumstances) were waiting for me and khalis gave me a beautiful bunch of flowers which made me feel very pleased and thought about, plus it was better than evryone elses lol...family and the loves of my life sat around the table with me, just as hungry as i was and patiently waited for our food) Brothers made me laugh tho, since they hate weekend mornings , probably from the hangovers of night b4...but they laughed it off, dad was there too, which almost brought me to tears cz i know somehow in that ego of his, hes proud of me..


Went to Bsc to dome, had a chit chat, then joined khalis's sister and his nephews for late lunch..had to carry the little one since he was scared of all the halloween stuff, but i love it...

Bought myself a very expensive yet so totally worth bottle of pomegranate vinagar, u can use it on salads, ice cream, even fruits or on its own, there were hundreds of flavours but i liked the one i bought, Masam-Manis and has a kick to it..yummmmyyyyy

Tonight will be partying it up in 789 WITH MY lil bro's, extended bros and my sisters who i love to death, khalis and a few others....im probably gnna get so smashed tonight..god help me!  but its for a good cause and plus i hardly get smashed at all..panadol on the standby..

CELEBRATION OF MY GRATUATION cant wait ......

question mark

What is wrong?
why are u behaving this way?
what have i said?
what have i done?

your behaviour is troubling
its all of a sudden
and im worried, ur leaving me in the dark

all i have right now is question marks

Sleeping like this

Iv learned how to laugh

iv learned how to try

iv learned that when i give up

somehow i have to try

iv learned how to spread my wings

but i dont know how to fly

i know what i feel 

i know what i dont

i know i cant conceal

i cant and i wont

i know that u hear

i know that you see

but u dissapear

why could this be

im sitting here and dont know what to do

when all i want, is to be there with you

i miss you so much, a river i could cry

i miss you so much i could die

i miss your warmth

i miss your smile

i miss being with you and feeling worthwhile

give me a text

let it rest my head

a call would be best

cz im going to bed

without ur voice

without ur words

i have no choice

and i know its obsurd

but it hurts, my heart

that i have to sleep alone and were apart....

Could it be

AM I REALLY THAT BAD IN UR EYES?
HAVE I NOT DONE ENOUGH?
WHAT IS IT I DO THATS NEVER ENOUGH
THAT IM TREATED THIS WAY?




I BLEED, I BLEED, I BLEED


CURSE THE ISSUES, CURSE THEM ALL




WHERE ARE YOU WHEN I NEED YOU?




BUSY..
ASLEEP..
NAPPING..
EATING..
DRIVING..   WHAT ELSE?

I come 1st

I should be your priceless find
i should be on a pedestal
not standing in line
so make that choice
u must decide
its nothing or ME for life

why is it so hard to prioritize me
why is it so hard to make me feel important
why is it so easy for you to complain
and not compliment

if im such a bad person in ur eyes
if im somethin u just cant handle
why let me break my back for you
why let me do the things i do
why let me love you unconditionally
why let me cry and not wipe my tears
why give me excuses u cant come to me and so i  go 2 u
why let me tell you how much u mean to me and not get the same treatment


i come 1st or i dont come at all....

appreciate me, or even pretend to....... i beg of you

2010 2010

You have not been yourself, uv been distant...im still caught up wondering about what else u have been dishonest about..but im trying not to.. so i deserve a bit of credit
Your not making time for me and everything just seems as tho its one sided..
I need your time too, even for an hour
you dont even come see me
i come see you, i make that part easy FOR YOU!

Fine ur in your finals, and you ask me to not see you on the weeknds, making me feel like a goat who just comes when asked, and leaves when asked.
your not appreciating me or my effort by doing so
in fact its pushing me far far away
i used to cry every night b4 i sleep, wondering what did i do to deserve the treatment where im not being understood
Now i just dont know what to do, do i turn cold and hope im missed..
Do i continue being the loving, no stopping, effortless me who comes to u on weekends even when u x need to ask me to, and yet still risk geting my head stepped on.
At night we hardly talk, and it gives me ideas those you still chatting to those girls, its driving me nuts, as much as i tell myself your not.

Iv poured my heart out to you,  and my feelings i write on here, whatever feelings i have...you x even take the time to read any of it.

I x even know what you expect of me..to understand..i do.. i do whatever i can to not get in ur way, but with a deal u at least bring me out for an hour! 1 hour of ur time.

These past few days you dont even know what has been on my mind or whats happening with my work, in fact the past two weeks you barely even noticed i makan pun xbetul..and that im still not well and having a sore throat and cough.

Dont get me wrong, im not dissing you, but you make excuses for everything, ur behaving such a way cz of ur finals, u not talkin to me cz u were sleeping because you were reading for your finals, u didnt hear my call because u were concentrating on your work For your finals.  You didnt reply because u went upstairs to rest after studying for ur finals..ur charging ur fone because of ur finals..

Do u forget me because of ur finals? is your finals now feeding you? dressing you? making sure your ok? is ur finals giving u panadol? is ur finals tryna make u feel better? is your finals trying to get you to relax? is your finals cleaning up after you? hanging up your clothes? hoovering ur room? taking care of you in any way at all????  I wonder...is it really because of your finals...u x even talk to me because OF YOUR FINALS.

YOUR FINALS ARE THE ONLY EXCUSE YOU HAVE FOR TREATING ME THIS WAY?
its not your finals..its you!

What do i do with me? im still here on the shelf, and collecting dust day by day.

Butterflies on my mind

The thought of you takes me higher than an aeroplane
i just want to lay in your arms as we speak in the tall grasses of the hills and the clouds
that set themselves upon the mountain tops. and the breeze that brushes past my face and the setting sun
that is so in love with the sky, it never wishes to leave...

Take me away, from the numb-ness of this world, where i wont have to think, take me far away to the forests where we can live amoung nature and animals andswim in the rivers. Catch fish with our bare hands and make beds in the trees..and when it rains ill shelter you from the cold, i would...
i would do anything for you, i smile when ur not with me because u make me smile just thinking of you..

I would bleed to see you smile, i would threaten anyone who took that away...
u dont need to do much to make someone like me stay.


I like to think u know...but you just dont.....but god knows...he knows...i know...

The smiling image

And with just the images you created in my head
the torture of the thought
the tense moment i linger waiting for
the clouds i float on
the water u let me walk on
and the song that forever fills my mind
a heartbeat
the two same mindsets
the two things we both want
im losing my breath
and i die with a smile on my face

thank you

You

Your smile makes my day
Your laugh makes my day
Your voice makes my day
Your warmth makes my day

Your eyes makes my day
The butterflies you still give me make my day
Your words make my day

Please say more, it helps

These eyes

These eyes read every word

These eyes are on you when you dont see them

These eyes see you for you

Theses eyes have never judged you

These eyes look for yours

These eyes wonder of you

These eyes are mine....

....and they miss seeing you every single day....

Yours Truely xxx

So Near Yet So Far

You would be sitting next to me, as we continue the chit chat among ourselves
You would whisper in my ear what you were feeling
You would look at me and i would not know what you are thinking 
You would brush my hair away from my face and pinch my nose
You would stare at me as if it was only the two of us in the universe


BUT


Your mind seems elsewhere
Your not telling me what you are feeing, your talking to others instead of me
You glance at me in seconds instead of minutes
Your hands are too far to reach for and your eyes and body are not where i want them


and you are just irresistable to thought, and i cant help myself 

i can only UNDERSTAND that you and me have the ability to read each-others thoughts

Apart

If theres anyone i need right now..its you


and i know you know it


If theres anyone im thinking about right now its you


If theres any way i could have you by my side


i would


If theres anyway you could just tell me how ur feeling this very second


i would listen




Apart from all this, you know how to make me feel strong and hopeful...even when im not


APART FROM ANYTHING, I NEVER KNEW I COULD MISS YOU THIS MUCH

Just the sight

Those lips of yours i long to kiss
Those eyes make me shy
The skin on you, and the warmth beneath it
When i see your face, i cant help but smile

Wrap your arms around me
Stroke my face with the back of ur hand
Hold me close to you
Smile for me even if im not there
Think of me even when i cant be by ur side


Even if this is nothing but a thought,
even if we are not on the same page
even if you were to do it when u please
at least let it be real and meaningful eachan every time
I would appreciate it right now...it would make me smile anyway

If only i felt it...

I wanna be that 1 in a million..the best you ever had

Breeze

Whenever the warm breeze passes me..i think of you

Whenever it rains.. i think of you

Whenever the sun is out.. i think of you

Whenever im at work..i think of you

Whenever im at home..i think of you

Whenever i dream..i wake up thinking about you

When i think of places to go, i want to go with you

Places to sit and talk forever, i want it to be with you

Ideas, thoughts and goals..i want to build them with you

Whenever i remember these things, i wonder if you think the same for me...

where are you

Do you think of me at all? like how the summmer remembers the wind, and like the wind catches the grass.. its a cycle..like how i always think of you..
How water thinks of the shore, the fish that live in the water and us humans who catch the fish,
How a fly gets caught in a web, the spider catches the fly and then something eats the spider..



YOU are much more beautiful to watch, from near, from far away...i could think a million ways to catch you..try and make you see exactly what i see..Even tho we are both very different in thought in face and background..the feeling we have is the same
and there for are equal...

Please dont

Im chasing your clouds, but im alone in the chase
Im tired of waiting by the phone and thinking of your face
Im tired of tryna talk and having to wait hours for a reply
your different for some reason, and i cant work out why...

Please dont make me turn cold and freeze over, you wont like it, and neither will i...

Clock & Space

Please dont tell me that you have no time, because thats rubbish

When you want to, you will make time to spare for me....

And i am still here waiting for that to happen..if it ever will.....

you dont seem to worry much at all, what i think...

Time is ticking and my patience is running out sitting here by myself..

Dont you wonder what im thinking or feeling?


JUST BECAUSE IM SILENT, DOES NOT MEAN IM NOT IN PAIN BY ALL THIS

The smiling stranger

In the car at a traffic light, an old mental man walks across the road past my car, he stops..looks at me..smiles and gives a thumbs up...i dont actually know what he meant by it, but i smiled back....


he then crosses the road and continuously looks back  at me as he walks..when he gets to the corner he stops and waits while staring at me as i drive past smiling towards me, as if no problems ever came his way..
under his menatl inabilaity..he definately made me feel grateful that at the moment. everything in my mind body and soul is ( somewhat) in proper working order....no matter how mental or whatever he is...he took the effort to smile and he got one in return so that i could cheer him up..out of all the people in the world, most are afraid to show a smile at mental people for fear of attack or any form of harm, hes not in order, but hes human and if he smiled at me 1st he bloody well deserves one back, he knew i wasnt going to step out of my car and talk to him, he just past by and continued his journey..he must be grateful for a lot of things too


god bless him....

Ampang 8:40am Flamingo traffic lights

Finally

Nothing feels as good as an apology

Nothing feels as good as seening someone you miss

Nothing feels as good as food you have craved for

Nothing feels as good as an accomplishment

NOTHING FEELS BETTER THAN THE TRUTH

Back to what i know

Besides all the distraught lately, iv decided to get back to my gym afterweeks of excusing myself..
Bought my stuff and a new exercise ball, totally loving it.
im feeling much more motivated, im slowly learning to pull out my frustration wen working out so it boosts my will-power.
Im renovating my house soon, so im looking forward to a new bedroom as well, i love designing things its such a drive.

Been having quite a bit of ups n downs lately, the downs more than the ups..yeah shed a few tears and a lotta hurt..but why should i bother caring if the other person doesnt care about what i feel right? its so messed up...
besides that..

NEXT WEEK ILL BE FINISHING WORK AT 5PM for good ! YIPEEEEE yes we protested we change the go-home time and dad agreed so im def over the moon about that!

Now all that i plan to do this weekend hasnt quite been planned yet...not in the mood to do much to be honest, the wound i was trying to heal was ripped open again..... tsk tsk....

I have also started taking interest in the kitchen..which is quite unusual as i only cook what i know and eat it, lately iv been trying at things i dnt know...so far my jelly was perfect but i forgot about my brownies and burned half the tray! damnnn nice!!!

after all

Out of all the hurt and sadness i feel, all ur mistakes or maybe not entirely

im the one drowning in my own tears and feeling aweful

im the one sitting in a puddle wishing it would swallow me for a while

im feeling all these things, and you dont seem remotely bothered by this..

but GOD is great, and somehow he'll try and stop my tears..

and hopefully put a smile back on my face....

Oh my F***ing GOD

I DONT F***ing deserve THIS!!!!

F***********************************K ALL OF THIS BULLSHIT!!!!!!! 

I DIDNT ASK FOR IT!!!!!!!!!!

YOU COULD HAVE DONE THINGS SO MUCH BETTER!!!!!

WHY DO THIS  TO MEEEEEEEEEEEEEE!!!!

Like a little red book

Even though, some people find happiness and excitement in big things, i find laughter, and everything else, with simple things. The simplest of a title could be the most interesting peice of work you have ever seen.
It makes me wonder what authors think about when writing a book...or even a movie..some might even hate what they vomit out into the world, but some of them do not know that their peices have made some of us feel so special and appreciative of such simplicity, things that we ourselves never thought could be put out there for others to laugh at and understand....however not everything needs to be understood... :)

Maybe it does take somethin simple in order to appreciate many other things, its shows you how to appreciate the human mind, and how it can work with thousands of thoughts at a time, make you feel certain ways about things even if its that 1 out of a 5000 feelings that u remember. The smaller moments in life ( when spent with someone who cares for you and loves you) can make you feel on top of the world and its moments such as these ill forever be grateful for.

Smile within

I know i miss you thats for sure, with every wind, every ray of sunlight, every refelction of it too, if only you knew, if only you knew.. every day it makes me smile bcause i know u dont know that i know how much ur missed. Hell, u might not even care..but i do..more than u know, especially when ur stressed, i cant help but feel to blame..it may not even be my fault, but thats how much i care. If you don't have a smile, I'll give you one of mine, but would u keep it? beacause thats what would make me happy, to see you happy and not frowning and under the rain...

You know where i am if  you need me..ill try not to get in your way..but even though i move myself far enough..do u miss me? do wish what i wish? do you need me at all?

maybe only god knows

Alexis