Finding light from shadows

All it took was to pray
for the 1st time in my life..i felt at ease, i felt calm..throughout all the anger and stress u have put me through the past 6 months..
i wouldnt say im not angry at all or upset still, i just feel much more calm than i have been in the past 24 hours. 
why do you put me through so much? why do u continue to be this person i dont know..
havent you done enough damage already? i should maybe actually thank you, in a twisted way, because its brought me to pray. which has now brought me some sort of inner peace(at least till now) 

i have resorted to all kinds of remedies to try ease my frustration towards you, and only now i have found the best remedy. 

im hoping one day, when u do the same..it will not be because of your anger or your frustrations, but simply because you want to..

i have found my light..in my darkest place.

Ok..now breathe...

i miss you...god damn it i fucking miss u...i miss YOU ..i miss US! i miss how we were..i miss how better we could become...i hate u for giving up! i hate how i constantly think of u before i sleep, when i wake up and how miserable this has been making me and how im in THAT much of denial...i want to run away far enough so nothing reminds me of you....but how the hell can i ..when every good thing i come across makes me want to share it with you.....!!!



WHY GOD....WHY!! 

Actually

Actually ..Before this.. i used to enjoy missing you...it pinched but i liked it...i enjoyed how id fall asleep with a smile on my face knowing u miss me too, n love me n how its gonna feel when i do get 2 see you..how id be able to kiss you, hug u..look after you..treat you...
that was before...

Now i can only look over my shoulder..wishing... AND I FUCKING HATE IT NOW...

I may seem different in the ways i treat you..but its only because when i want to do so many things to u, or say so many things 2 u...i know im only going to hurt myself..so i keep it to myself, hoping u can hear it..with u knowing my heart( which in reality u cant hear) but i am holding back, im too damn scared to say what i feel, or what i want..because of the amount of time and effort it took to build back the walls i have now...ALMOST KILLED ME..

So just know...i havent lost it for you..i still got it...i just refuse to show it due to knowing myself too well...and u said it isnt what u want..so im gnna have 2 keep it this way..

god knows how much iv missed u...n the changes im encountering...its jz sad i cant hold ur hand through it....so good luck with ur new-found freedom....




i love u....always have...always will.....

Sometimes

I have to admit, i love giving at any time for any reason, it makes me happy and seeing THAT SMILE ON THEIR FACE WHEN THEY GET IT, AND THEY ARE ALL EXCITED AND HAPPY and Cheerful.


But, why do i feel like im losing out somehow. I dont expect anything to be very honest..but it just sucks when it only comes on Birthdays... :( ... DAMMIT     and then it gets even more awkward when u cant hold it in and you start asking why or when u will get urs like some pathetic dog begging to be shown appreciation. then the issue of not having own money comes in which is totally retarded coz hell if i can everyone else can, its the effort that counts. even if its only pen and paper. even if its made from 10 matchbox's its WORTH something... this sucks really feeling like this.