Finding light from shadows

All it took was to pray
for the 1st time in my life..i felt at ease, i felt calm..throughout all the anger and stress u have put me through the past 6 months..
i wouldnt say im not angry at all or upset still, i just feel much more calm than i have been in the past 24 hours. 
why do you put me through so much? why do u continue to be this person i dont know..
havent you done enough damage already? i should maybe actually thank you, in a twisted way, because its brought me to pray. which has now brought me some sort of inner peace(at least till now) 

i have resorted to all kinds of remedies to try ease my frustration towards you, and only now i have found the best remedy. 

im hoping one day, when u do the same..it will not be because of your anger or your frustrations, but simply because you want to..

i have found my light..in my darkest place.

Ok..now breathe...

i miss you...god damn it i fucking miss u...i miss YOU ..i miss US! i miss how we were..i miss how better we could become...i hate u for giving up! i hate how i constantly think of u before i sleep, when i wake up and how miserable this has been making me and how im in THAT much of denial...i want to run away far enough so nothing reminds me of you....but how the hell can i ..when every good thing i come across makes me want to share it with you.....!!!



WHY GOD....WHY!! 

Actually

Actually ..Before this.. i used to enjoy missing you...it pinched but i liked it...i enjoyed how id fall asleep with a smile on my face knowing u miss me too, n love me n how its gonna feel when i do get 2 see you..how id be able to kiss you, hug u..look after you..treat you...
that was before...

Now i can only look over my shoulder..wishing... AND I FUCKING HATE IT NOW...

I may seem different in the ways i treat you..but its only because when i want to do so many things to u, or say so many things 2 u...i know im only going to hurt myself..so i keep it to myself, hoping u can hear it..with u knowing my heart( which in reality u cant hear) but i am holding back, im too damn scared to say what i feel, or what i want..because of the amount of time and effort it took to build back the walls i have now...ALMOST KILLED ME..

So just know...i havent lost it for you..i still got it...i just refuse to show it due to knowing myself too well...and u said it isnt what u want..so im gnna have 2 keep it this way..

god knows how much iv missed u...n the changes im encountering...its jz sad i cant hold ur hand through it....so good luck with ur new-found freedom....




i love u....always have...always will.....

Sometimes

I have to admit, i love giving at any time for any reason, it makes me happy and seeing THAT SMILE ON THEIR FACE WHEN THEY GET IT, AND THEY ARE ALL EXCITED AND HAPPY and Cheerful.


But, why do i feel like im losing out somehow. I dont expect anything to be very honest..but it just sucks when it only comes on Birthdays... :( ... DAMMIT     and then it gets even more awkward when u cant hold it in and you start asking why or when u will get urs like some pathetic dog begging to be shown appreciation. then the issue of not having own money comes in which is totally retarded coz hell if i can everyone else can, its the effort that counts. even if its only pen and paper. even if its made from 10 matchbox's its WORTH something... this sucks really feeling like this. 

Looking Up

In Anything we do, it takes courage and effort..it will get better. Theres no point telling yourself it wont happen, when it can and it will if you try, anything and everything happens when you try. We can all clasp our hands and say we cant...but in actual fact..everything starts with you.

1 week, 3 days

After all the crap thats gone down, iv been trying to talk to you, a proper sit down and express what im feeling, everytime i do, u either have to do something or its not the right time. when i do it at home, you have to do something, when were outside you say we should discuss it at home and when we get home you dont even bother to ask to continue, when we are on the phone you have to go somewhere or your not listening. NOW you tell me how the hell do you expect me to just keep quiet like its nothing. You say u want your space, but you spend it with your friends. you say ur depressed about not having a job but u use the internet for unnecessary things. You say your far from god, yet you dont try and pray.


how the hell am i supposed to get any answer from you at all

tell me.

How they do it

What i never understood until now, was exactly what i used to fear deep within me, people can lie about so many things and not even feel a slight bit of regret or remorse for those whom they lie to be it friends, girlfriend, boyfriend, family , husband or even wife. How can such human beings go through life constantly making those who love them believe whatever it is that they say to be true? not realizing they are creating a world for themselves full of disbelief..no honesty, no truthfulness for not only themselves but making others attempt to believe their unreliable truths. How do we trust people such as these, who are only good at talking, but have no idea how or what to do about stopping the hurt to those around them, simply when what they do is completely unnecessary in the 1st place.These lies are not even to protect anyone but themselves, selfish lies to create a persona of someone who could be the devil's side-kick, pretenders. Some say that lies are habits..bad habits..but how do you look at it when lies are all a person knows, they know it so well they don't know where to start about telling the TRUTH, even when those around them know it already. 

second time around

The sickness i feel in my tummy, is no comparison to an ordinary stomach ache, its an overwhelming churn of pure eating-my-heart-out hunger.. the kind when your heart has been thrown out of its comfort zone and squished till its no longer able to function.
Then naturally the mind and the rest of you that is still trying to cope with the pain and the shock is only doing what it was used 2 doing..LOVING

When the nerves in you are no longer attached to the heart, since its been ripped out, the are trying to find somewhere to attach themselves, desperately searching for something to hold on to.

this is me..numb, wallowing in despair, holding back all the tears that are just screaming to get out of my system, and im trying..ever so hard to keep them all in, trying to tell myself to be strong and catch a grip of myself before i lose it. This is what happens when you love too much.
a lesson i know far too well, a situation i find myself being in very familiar, being left..being pulled away from.
what does one do, when the other isnt ready? isnt ready for the hardship, isnt ready to just be pure..almost 3 years of constant 1 way effort n just 2 even get a voice heard. Iv had my fair share of wrong-doings no mistake, but its definately a mistake i can correct...

im not aware of whats around me right now, i sit here still fighting my feelings as hes asleep in his bed. cold shouldered and making me look desperate...i am...im desperate to be loved back...noones been able to hold my heart and not break it...once it gets to 2 years...they are gone..they are not ready...im confused, im blaming myself, and the one i love the most, who i have unconditionally given a majority of myself to...has decided he cant do it anymore...

what can i say...there goes something i assumed was just as special, somethin worth fighting for..
maybe im not worth fighting for...maybe all of this was just a beautiful illusion i had in my mind...

but whatever it was...its now gone...for the 2nd time

what is..what isnt...

In a momentum of fact against word..which is taken more lightly
Would a robot lie when humans are the ones that control it..
would time lie against black and white?

it just doesnt make sense, even more when u dont know if you can make sense of any of it..
its just all over the place..what DOES make sense? What is the Truth?

and why cant people just be truthful...
when eventually...even if robots can lie... GOD DOESNT...

he has not lied 2 me..if anything, hes been more honest than anyone i know...and i cant even see him or hear him speak...but as much as i dont talk 2 him very much..he always has ways in showing me whats right..

RIGHT NOW ITS A MATTER OF WETHER I CONTINUE TO SPEAK FROM THE HEART OR KEEP IT ALL INSIDE...COZ NO MATTER WHAT I CHOOSE, ITS ALWAYS HARDER TO GET THROUGH ON EITHER DECISION. Choices are what we make to make ourselves better, for ourselves and only for ourselves.

DO U CHOOSE TO LIE? OR TELL THE TRUTH?

The quick get away

It was a last minute decision, but one of the best you have ever agreed to do with me
Like i said, take these opportunities with me more...i enjoy them more than anything, especially with you by my side..

Thank you for joining...

Today and from now on...

I am in the process of trying to understand myself, why i think the way i do, why i do what i do and everything else that is all about you..
No doubt its been 2 1/2 years so far, a bloody long journey so far as well, but my love only grows alongside me and you. I sometimes casually reflect on what made me fall for you in the 1st place, but looking back many things have changed, they have gotten so much better, i spend much more time with you than we used to and i can say that i really do enjoy every minute.

I dont understand why people say that its not good to see the one u love all the time...but in my case, im thinking..why would you tell yourself such a thing, or assume such a statement be true when at any moment could be your last together, we dont know gods plans, so im going to spend every moment i can simply because i want to... I DONT NEED TO necessarily..but i want to...and it suits me fine.

Nobody can tell me how to love, what to love and why....i just do..so much that i could cry..lets continue our growth in geting better, achieve our goals..Holding hands and walking this earth together and create chaos as we go along....

Holdin it in...

So i hold all these feelings, besides the fact u may assume im an emotional being, maybe i am..i take in whatever you throw at me and hold it inside, u raise your voice and my fed-up alarm starts ringing, time and time again i remind you about it..


i get angry too, i get annoyed, but never would i raise my voice or shout and throw nasty words at you, might as well spit on me too right if like that?
i was not brought up to disrespect anyone, not even in anger..
your ego has enlarged too, which is dis-heartening from my point of view..


Then there are days you tell me you miss me and yet i come 2 you and receive maybe 3/ 4 pecks and a cuddle at most. why is it all words, even things like, i should be at home when u get home, and i waita round like a puppy expecting somethin more than just a mere hi... not even mention how both our days were...and its sad coz the 1st 2 weeks u worked u were like all about me.. now its slipped back to un-appreciating and disrespect....


im startin 2 question things and its disurbing me...please pick yourself up soon...
i hate feeling like this...


for now its me and god.. please god be kind to me...please

Where are you

Where are you
you throw the anger of you on me, you lose it
my words are told to be of provoking
giving you the excuse to do as you do..

i think its an excuse
you once told me to think before i act..
you?

You are now biting the hand that feeds you

but i know god will repay wisely what is done unto me by you... one day...

Coreless

YOU HAVE NO CENTRE IN YOU
NOT EVEN A THOUGHT OF GOD
NOT EVEN PRAYING
NOTHING TO CALM THE MONSTER IN YOU
ITS RELEASED OFTEN LATELY AND I HATE IT
THE DEVIL HAS A STRONG GRIP ON YOU AND YOU LOSE YOUR SELF CONTROL UNNECESSARILY....
AND TO BE VERY HONEST.. IM SCARED...

The Unexpected.. or expected?

Sometimes we wake up in the morning, do the same routine, sometimes even the same clothes, shower with the same shower gel, and get in the car at the same time, day in and day out.
But what we hardly question is WHY, why do we do the same thing everytime when it comes to our responsibilities? could it be due to saving time? could it be because thats the expectation we have towards achieving our wants and needs? or is it simply because we are afraid of the change itself.

But this can apply in the working shirts or the bums that sit on the couch everyday watching the same things on tv as if there was only 1 channel. We tend to get so comfortable with things being the way they are, what we are used to, that when change comes about, be it expected or not, we HISS and become sqeamish at the very thought, even though it may actually be good for us.
Some of us are happy to do the same things day in day out, some of us require constant changes in order to keep motivated. But! wether or not the change is good, its a matter of wether we can accept it or not, like it or lump it. Routine can be such a drag sometimes, so its only in our power to make the routine more exciting or bearable. I, myself am a character that resists change, reluctant to go very far from my comfort zone, even though i know change will be good now and then. Dont get me wrong i do make changes to better myself or that around me if i must, the good change i dont mind that i am able to have some sort of control over, its the changes that disrupt my routine and my mind that i dislike.

i guess only time will tell. maybe the cards will just change before i can even sense it.
who knows...i might like it.. then again..... i might not..
its all in gods hands..

This little heart.

When i look at you...i see so much POTENTIAL as a person, as a son and as a partner..
yet, why do my eyes deceive me so at times, im blinded by this ever beating, red blooded heart of mine. This muscle in my chest, it beats, for me, for YOU ever faster, and at times its alive with laughter, and also with tears. 


What this little heart of mine feels, overcomes many fears i have, yet it is still unsure, almost in comparison to a pet in a new home..it wants to know more of its owner as much as it does fear the WHAT-IF. 


From what it tells me, it cant surely love another, no..not this way. It bleeds with passion, yet it bleeds with the fear of what this owner might do with it. Its no longer mine, im no longer in control of its possession, or how it reacts, it has a mind of its own and it moves at every word spoken, every action taken and every feeling felt to its every inch, it shivers, and it calms down, it even suffers from lack of sleep at the very thought of you.


Its at its utmost happiness, when its in close proximity with yours, its back-flips and turns up-side down the more it knows you are near and at times wants to just be ripped out and place itself in your hand so that u can just see what its made of, how fast it beats, how this tiny thing is actually quite big on the inside, but shares no room for no other but yourself and i. 


even though i no longer possess it, i BEG YOU..please take care of it, im not capable of its control anymore.


This little heart of mine.

Hello April

Aahh April, One of my favorite months..why? Coz my birthday is on the 29th! i have a month to plan exactly what i would like to do, and as usual make sure my friends go home completely wasted lol...

24 YEARS being me..its been one hell of a roller-coaster, been working for almost 1 year and a half now, it aint easy having to drag myself there in the morning either, but we all gotta do it. KA-CHINGGG is the most necessary nowday in this time and age..we all gotta start somewhere, but im loving it.

The older im getting, the more i tend to look back on my previous mistakes, and where i went wrong, and yes there are many things id rather not remember, but then again, hurt only makes you stronger eventually, im proud to say that im learning and i know i have much more to learn. Theres no limit book or any time frame to learn things, some of us die without even learning what love is, or even how to hold our breath under-water, everyone has their own pace in life, and the rest is up to god.

This month im going to interviews for new jobs, just to broaden my horizons, and do something fun and that i enjoy, photography, be it behind the camera or in front of it, its fairly new 4 me but this company they handle the photo's and they are one of the largest international co's too selling quality photo's to companies in anything from Advertising to News Stations. Quite exciting.

Its friday, so im trying to keep my spirit high 4 this weekend and enjoy as much as i can..

whoop whoop!

WHY WAIT??

Why should I , HAVE TO WAIT FOR YOU TO APPRECIATE ME??

Why should I, WASTE MY TIME TELLING YOU HOW I FEEL AND WHAT YOU DO THAT UPSETS ME WHEN U ONLY NOD UR HEAD AND DO NOTHING ABOUT IT..

WHEN HAVE U EVER TAKEN ME OUT BECAUSE U APPRECIATE ME, ADORE ME AND CANT STOP THINKING ABOUT ME??? WHEN WAS THE LAST TIME U EVER TOLD ME THAT?

Do you have any idea what i feel? have u any idea whats on my mind? after what you have put me through, i come right back...only to realize, you only seem to want me when your lonely..

Everytime i do something like even coming to see you, another voice tells me not to, simply because you dont do that at all for me...if i even feel that u need me im there and you dont even need to ask..

When im sick..and IM in need...u dont come to me...

You can tell me your sick, not well, headache, migrane, kaki bengkak, any excuse not to go out...after how many times i make plans..when have u ever made plans? done something to surprise me...simply because im THAT special 2 u?

Not enuff money 4 dinner, but got plenty to go out a whole day, funny how i knew that would happen, even mentioned it 2 u...

All you do is say sorry for how i feel... WHEN THE FUCK ARE YOU EVER GOING TO DO ANYTHING ABOUT IT? HUH? all you tell me is you will think about it!! iv told you the problem!!! u dont need anything but to change that!!!

I Ask why you dont wanna do anything with me, you say u have not been well, and you have jobs and all on ur mind...

but once ur friends ask u out, u can go out the whole day no problem...and so many places, not a single complaint..except the end of the day when ur tired.

Im about to change my tune here...Im fed up with the bullshit and giving my all, and getting nothing but excuses back...if you feel completely fine around your friends..maybe THEY can come feed you when ur sick, apply medicine on you when ur tummy hurts..feed you when u refuse to eat.. and be there 4 u every day simply because they can and they want to...

GOOD FUCKIN LUCK

Its just

Isnt it just beautiful when you are capable of loving someone..
Isnt it just beautiful when you love someone so much you could cry
Isnt it just beautiful, knowing the person you love, u wish to spend the rest of your life with.
Isnt it just beautiful when the person your with loves you back
Isnt it just beautiful, when the person your with shows you in so many ways how much he loves you.




If only every man loved one woman, and showed that one woman
how much she means to him....


it seems like every womans wish to be the last love of a mans life...

Ever so gently

Tear ducts get swollen, usually when in pain..

Its not out of asking for sympathy, nor is it out of asking for much...

when someone cry'S Its not just because they are sad...


its because they are HURT, and one can only hurt another, when one has feelings for the other.