Looking Up

In Anything we do, it takes courage and effort..it will get better. Theres no point telling yourself it wont happen, when it can and it will if you try, anything and everything happens when you try. We can all clasp our hands and say we cant...but in actual fact..everything starts with you.

1 week, 3 days

After all the crap thats gone down, iv been trying to talk to you, a proper sit down and express what im feeling, everytime i do, u either have to do something or its not the right time. when i do it at home, you have to do something, when were outside you say we should discuss it at home and when we get home you dont even bother to ask to continue, when we are on the phone you have to go somewhere or your not listening. NOW you tell me how the hell do you expect me to just keep quiet like its nothing. You say u want your space, but you spend it with your friends. you say ur depressed about not having a job but u use the internet for unnecessary things. You say your far from god, yet you dont try and pray.


how the hell am i supposed to get any answer from you at all

tell me.

How they do it

What i never understood until now, was exactly what i used to fear deep within me, people can lie about so many things and not even feel a slight bit of regret or remorse for those whom they lie to be it friends, girlfriend, boyfriend, family , husband or even wife. How can such human beings go through life constantly making those who love them believe whatever it is that they say to be true? not realizing they are creating a world for themselves full of disbelief..no honesty, no truthfulness for not only themselves but making others attempt to believe their unreliable truths. How do we trust people such as these, who are only good at talking, but have no idea how or what to do about stopping the hurt to those around them, simply when what they do is completely unnecessary in the 1st place.These lies are not even to protect anyone but themselves, selfish lies to create a persona of someone who could be the devil's side-kick, pretenders. Some say that lies are habits..bad habits..but how do you look at it when lies are all a person knows, they know it so well they don't know where to start about telling the TRUTH, even when those around them know it already. 

second time around

The sickness i feel in my tummy, is no comparison to an ordinary stomach ache, its an overwhelming churn of pure eating-my-heart-out hunger.. the kind when your heart has been thrown out of its comfort zone and squished till its no longer able to function.
Then naturally the mind and the rest of you that is still trying to cope with the pain and the shock is only doing what it was used 2 doing..LOVING

When the nerves in you are no longer attached to the heart, since its been ripped out, the are trying to find somewhere to attach themselves, desperately searching for something to hold on to.

this is me..numb, wallowing in despair, holding back all the tears that are just screaming to get out of my system, and im trying..ever so hard to keep them all in, trying to tell myself to be strong and catch a grip of myself before i lose it. This is what happens when you love too much.
a lesson i know far too well, a situation i find myself being in very familiar, being left..being pulled away from.
what does one do, when the other isnt ready? isnt ready for the hardship, isnt ready to just be pure..almost 3 years of constant 1 way effort n just 2 even get a voice heard. Iv had my fair share of wrong-doings no mistake, but its definately a mistake i can correct...

im not aware of whats around me right now, i sit here still fighting my feelings as hes asleep in his bed. cold shouldered and making me look desperate...i am...im desperate to be loved back...noones been able to hold my heart and not break it...once it gets to 2 years...they are gone..they are not ready...im confused, im blaming myself, and the one i love the most, who i have unconditionally given a majority of myself to...has decided he cant do it anymore...

what can i say...there goes something i assumed was just as special, somethin worth fighting for..
maybe im not worth fighting for...maybe all of this was just a beautiful illusion i had in my mind...

but whatever it was...its now gone...for the 2nd time

what is..what isnt...

In a momentum of fact against word..which is taken more lightly
Would a robot lie when humans are the ones that control it..
would time lie against black and white?

it just doesnt make sense, even more when u dont know if you can make sense of any of it..
its just all over the place..what DOES make sense? What is the Truth?

and why cant people just be truthful...
when eventually...even if robots can lie... GOD DOESNT...

he has not lied 2 me..if anything, hes been more honest than anyone i know...and i cant even see him or hear him speak...but as much as i dont talk 2 him very much..he always has ways in showing me whats right..

RIGHT NOW ITS A MATTER OF WETHER I CONTINUE TO SPEAK FROM THE HEART OR KEEP IT ALL INSIDE...COZ NO MATTER WHAT I CHOOSE, ITS ALWAYS HARDER TO GET THROUGH ON EITHER DECISION. Choices are what we make to make ourselves better, for ourselves and only for ourselves.

DO U CHOOSE TO LIE? OR TELL THE TRUTH?

The quick get away

It was a last minute decision, but one of the best you have ever agreed to do with me
Like i said, take these opportunities with me more...i enjoy them more than anything, especially with you by my side..

Thank you for joining...

Today and from now on...

I am in the process of trying to understand myself, why i think the way i do, why i do what i do and everything else that is all about you..
No doubt its been 2 1/2 years so far, a bloody long journey so far as well, but my love only grows alongside me and you. I sometimes casually reflect on what made me fall for you in the 1st place, but looking back many things have changed, they have gotten so much better, i spend much more time with you than we used to and i can say that i really do enjoy every minute.

I dont understand why people say that its not good to see the one u love all the time...but in my case, im thinking..why would you tell yourself such a thing, or assume such a statement be true when at any moment could be your last together, we dont know gods plans, so im going to spend every moment i can simply because i want to... I DONT NEED TO necessarily..but i want to...and it suits me fine.

Nobody can tell me how to love, what to love and why....i just do..so much that i could cry..lets continue our growth in geting better, achieve our goals..Holding hands and walking this earth together and create chaos as we go along....

Holdin it in...

So i hold all these feelings, besides the fact u may assume im an emotional being, maybe i am..i take in whatever you throw at me and hold it inside, u raise your voice and my fed-up alarm starts ringing, time and time again i remind you about it..


i get angry too, i get annoyed, but never would i raise my voice or shout and throw nasty words at you, might as well spit on me too right if like that?
i was not brought up to disrespect anyone, not even in anger..
your ego has enlarged too, which is dis-heartening from my point of view..


Then there are days you tell me you miss me and yet i come 2 you and receive maybe 3/ 4 pecks and a cuddle at most. why is it all words, even things like, i should be at home when u get home, and i waita round like a puppy expecting somethin more than just a mere hi... not even mention how both our days were...and its sad coz the 1st 2 weeks u worked u were like all about me.. now its slipped back to un-appreciating and disrespect....


im startin 2 question things and its disurbing me...please pick yourself up soon...
i hate feeling like this...


for now its me and god.. please god be kind to me...please