Something i just cant swallow...

Hes been talking to her and has lied about it...trying to cover duration of call on a new phone with something completely un-related...then turns tables on me ..calling me names...when hes the one whos been caught....i just dont know what to do..im speechless...and on top of it all..im hurt...i feel betrayed....he even brings ups old stories when hes trying 2 defend himself....im hurt...

Good enough.Ever??

Will i ever make him truely happy??? will i??

I cant express...

How does someone express hurt without being mad or show the least about being irritated? when u are supposed to suck everything in and not let a single thing out, i still find it hard to express hurt without being mad about it 1st, right down to the things that make me want to cry. She must feel some sort of satisfaction to know that when she calls him, that im there in the same room with him she must feel really proud of herself coz he wont say anything, yet if i do, ill be getting complaints from left , right and centre...she calls and the voices become mellow and slow when they talk, the same way he talks to me, he dont notice it, but i have been noticing it for a while now, i just havent said anything..i have been trying to contain and tell myself its not like that , but i heard it just now...he laughs when she calls him, he hardly laughs when i call...is that supposed to mean something....does she still make him more happy than i do...do i need to reach some sort of measurement? i will tell u something....I DO NOT MEASURE , LET ALONE MEASURE MYSELF AGAINST NOONE, LET ALONE SOME EX..Some person who has absolutely nothing on me, i know what i ahve..and i remain loyal and honest to him...but like i said i still have complications accepting things i dont think are right...im told it could just be me and i have nothing to worry about...wtf ...im not worried...im pissed u idiot, calls at the arse crack of morning at times where we both should be asleep in eachothers arms...but instead we are now arguing about her phone call....i hate it..i dont want to admit im hurt but i am..i hate admitting im hurt let alone trying to get the perfect words out of my mouth instead of cursing both of them and what effect its having on me...

God save my emotions, because my emotions effect those i love, teach me to have more patience and allow those closest to me to feel my pain and know where and why i feel it....thank u

Her Again....and again!!

She called, yet again at 6.12am in the morning , yet again stupid hours shes calling him...and its grating on my patience...call me insecure call me watever u want, it is all what im not, i just want to know why...does she think im away ...or not around,...what are the reasons...friends call at proper hours, new zealand is only a few hours behind so what the fuck...i used to think it was acceptable even tho its an ex calling...WHAT IF IT WAS MY EX??? AT 6 IN THE MORNING? MOST PROBABLY A HUGE FIGHT IS WHAT IM GUESSING..BUT IM supposed to put up with this shit? why? coz they ended on good terms? i did too, so whats their excuse? and what for? to tell him she misses him? no other ppl to talk to? so tell me...what do i do about her coming back in december and wanting to meet his family n hang out? tell me, what am i supposed to do about that? accept it? and feel as if i have been pushed out of the way coz she has known him longer?? tell me, why else would an ex want to come back and see her ex's family?? honey theres no competition here...its not a battle of winning hearts...if u wanna see an ex u can always meet outside...why does she wanna meet at home n see everyone? i just want to know, i have asked many people and the same people give me 2 options and what to do...its either she wants to still build relations so that if anything was to happen in the future( she hopes) she got it easy

2nd she still doesnt want to feel that shes not connected to him so with the importance of family to him she wants to be closer...if not that then to tell me HIS GF that she too is good with his family....i feel its all bullshit n someone needs to be told...im not jealos or even insecure, i just want to know the motives, everyone has motives to do things...or her excuse could be because she hasnt seen them for so long...why would u want to see them in the 1st place u and him no longer are together...so why meet at home...why cant u meet outside?? pls tell me..im confused....

After all this time..

Yes it has been a while since i splattered what been going on lately, i think may was the last time...oh well, where do i start? latest news, we went to genting stayed over and the next day went 'jungle trekking' wasnt really jungle trekking, more like swimming at a waterfall, was good tho. i got bitten by a leech tho, my leg was bleeding but u could see it was a leech bite. I had fun tho despite all that, we went to Tjg malim right after to eat at bobs place i have never been so happy 2 see food, i was starving. It was a long day as well...

Starting with today , im very upset and frustrated, for so many reasons

1. Mj died- im not that upset tho, we will never know the real reason how he died..he was a good performer tho, greatest of all time, and i doubt there will be a replacement.

2. One of my best friends got beaten up by her bf yesterday, almost had 2 accidents driving to her house, she was quite shaken had cuts here and there n her face was quite swollen..it upsets me you know with things like this, because i have gone thru the same thing, and to watch one of my closer friends go thru the same thing really is heart-breaking especially when i now exactly how it feels being in love with the person that has beat u and having the potential to do even worse. The sad part is, on the outside he looks nothing like the type who would hit, truth lies beneath ones look i guess. They had been together for a year and recently she had confided in me about the things he had been up to such as choking her and hitting her before yesterday..its hard beleive to be honest, the amount of trust you put into someone to love u and care for u is exactly the same person who has beaten you, threatened you and goes psycho on ur shit because you want to leave him. I am quite protective of my friends and since i knew her before her bf, and with her dads trust in me, i solemnley swear to protect her and keep him away from her as much as possible i did mention to her that its for her own good and how stupid and silly she would be to take him back, regardless of how blind love is, i have been there and done it...AND TRUST ME LADIES, WHEN A MAN HITS U ONCE..NO MATTER HOW MUCH HE SWEARS HE WILL NEVER DO IT AGAIN...HE ALWAYS DOES END UP DOING IT AGAIN, AND EACH TIME IT GETS WORSE....so for those who love their man and do not wish to be a victim...TAKE UP SELF-DEFENCE CLASSES or at least classes that teach u to kick ass when u have to...

3- Him- for 2 days he has been spending time with his friends and i havent been able to have so much as a conversation with him..and that BITCH is back to make things much worse..i gotta talk 2 her soon..its driving me up the god damned wall...but im really sad coz he never used 2 be so distant when he was with the friends, surprise or no surprise, i used to think i was a priority, theres always reasons and some un-controllable situation that prevents him from contacting me...yet when it happens to me, he comes out with the most ridiculous assumptions and statements all i wanted to do was have a conversation for at least an hour or for a text now n then, i tested him saying i was going to bed, i didnt even get a goodnite or even him asking me to hold on..nothing, im overwhelmingly upset...i dont know what to say....im sad

4- my wages havent been released yet since its a cheque and some big boss has to sign it..grrr

On the bright side 

1- getting my extensions again tomorrow! yipee!!

2- cousins r coming down for 2 weeks! cant wait!

3- going to watch Manchester united next saturday

4-going to perhentian on the 23rd..

5-then going to penang!

6- GRADUATING IN OCTOBER BABY!!! 

ANYWAY IM OFF TO BED, GOT CLASS IN MORNING! SHIT!

19 may update

I bought a jerboa last week aka: kangaroo rat..it sooo adorable...i love it...its ike a hamster with really long back legs, and short front hands....and huge eyes that make it even more adorable, its now considered mine n khalis's child...we both look after it..it feels really nice...

everything has been so swet and breezy lately...iv been so happy and glad to be in the place i am right now, i appreciate so much the things around me so much more and what i have..i have been spending enough time with my little twin brothers who are in fact huge...they are starting college soon, it was just yesterday i can remember when they were borne.....how time flies huh, i love being close to them n them opening up 2 me about stuff, asking questions n all i love being the oldest 2 be honest...

comes with a few tweaks tho, being blamed, always being the dissapointment somehow...but i love it..i feel very motherly..

im in love deep deep love right now, i love him, his family, my family everything around me...i love how i feel loved and appreciated...

i still love the phone calls from mia telling me gossip n whats going on

im at a stage feeling very protective of the people around me at the moment, i feel like i just cant let anything fuck it all up...i have my friends, i love them, i have my perfect boyfriend, i love him very much, my family..i love them more than everything...not that my life is perfect, im just extremely-large-scale-more than comfortably content with the goings-on n all...

i want to thank god, for putting all my missing pieces ito my puzzle.

tq.. :)

heaven all in one day

Today has been absolutely amazing, i woke up, mia stayed with me at khalis's place, we went out to a few places, even sempat lagi nak buat rambut kita...then i sent her to subang to where fiz has just opened a futsal place..not bad its really big, then we just lepak for a while, then i went back, got stuck in a jam...then FINALLY arrived at khalis's place, he went shopping n bought himself a pair of shoes, iv never been so glad to be back to c him...he was a bit upset coz i didnt call, n i took quite  while, but it was ok, i got everythin that i wanted all settled...so now it was all about him...i have been wanting to go to genting with him for quite a while now, so i randomly suggested we go, n i got all prepared with my sweater n all, i waited outside for him to get ready ..he comes out in his white shirt, shorts n new shoes, i was kinda confused like was he SO confident that genting wasnt gnna be cold or smthing, i just kept quiet, little did i know he didnt realize he wasnt prepared at all...we hung out in genting at kfc n ate, we then walked to starbucks n got a hot chocolate for us to share, we then sat at the roadside n talked and argued about a few things,like trust and relationships and about our individual experience and opinions... nothing serious tho...we then walked back to my car n was on our way to damansara...we hung out in the room and had a good time...iv never felt so much love in my whole life, like real appreciation, and i felt adored...it really is amazing...i am totally speechless, we are almost on 4 months together now, i cant wait for more time to come, and what the future holds for us, i really am inspired by today more than other days...today is just beautiful..really special...today was wonderful...really opened my eyes to new things ...that i almost hardly realized b4....i actually dont wanna go home tomorrow, but its ok, ill be back soon enuff..its hard to stay away from here...i dunno why...i spend more time here than my own place..