SIDE EFFECTS

its so easy to cry when u love someone, but its incedibly difficult to cry when u love someone more than life itself, as easy as it is to forgive n how hard it is to forget, i keep all my tears inside, because once i let them all out, i will end up going with them..How can something so real, so compatible, not be under my grasp, its like im holding onto something so tight that it is letting go of me, but im still holding on with every inch of life..Shes moving here, i probly wont see him again, someone tell me how i handle that? i admit it fine...im weak...as strong as i may be..im weak..and theres nothing i can do..i have let my head control me 2 many times, i cant risk anything, i dont want to...i may hurt for a long time..till i can have him in my arms...maybey ill never get that opportunity..i dont know...but what i do know is that im in love ..and as much as it hurts, it hurts all the time..it hurts when i smile n pretending im happy..yet somehow i still pull myself thru it...im happy that hes always around me...but for how long? till that girl moves here...its so fcked up...grrrrrrrrrr i could smack someone...i dont like feeling jealous im not like that...i like being the priority not the opportunity...2 people need eachother but cant be together...how? how to deal with this? if i take action i could lose him..so i just gotta do whatever i can n just turn a blind eye to what may hurt, and keep pretending i dont feel pain....

IN THESE CRAZY MONTHS

These past three months have been crazy, found a lot of people who have made a difference, made friends with people i should have met earlier. Now we are stronger than ever, there has been drama there has been tears..but all four of us have walked out of the storm alive.

even if one of them still doesnt realise it yet..

I met someone who has made a real difference in my life, in my previous blog when i said i need someone who can join me, not stop me..yeah i found that person. It took a while...it may take longer...but i may as well just treasure what i have at the moment now huh..even though i cant have things my way this time. I may even wait, i mean deep down inside knowing it would be so worth it. Who wouldnt wait for someone who makes u feel like ur the most special thing in someones life, even tho i may not be true..And feeling as if u and that person are on top of the world, and you laugh and smile for the reason being you are just so happy being around that one person that u cant help but do just that. I know iv never been one to admit things right away, yes im angry, yes im jealous hes with her, yes i wish i was so much better, and yes i wish it was me. I may not understand the reason why..but maybey one day i will. Even though i wake up wishing he was in MY arms everyday, and willing to fight with him just to see that face he makes that is asking to be kissed. I have never felt like this, its not even something i can explain, it just makes me want to do things because i want to, not because i wanna do them purely to make the other one happy, i wanna do things just because it makes me happy doing it too, making breakfast, looking after seone, even tho they are not sick yet. Its unexplainable how i feel, its like iv just been brought out into the world, ( sorry if that sounds really gay) but its true. I have just been shown a lot of things in a matter of months, and as much as i need it, and as much as this is what i have been looking for all this while, all the mistakes iv made, i was looking for THIS the whole time. Finally someone here listens to me, wants to give a helpful response, n help and still make me feel special. The amount of times i feel i was dropped on my head as a baby, he makes me feel as if i have some sort of gift, dont get me wrong, i love the way he makes me feel, but then again..sometimes i wonder if hes saying the same things to her...i hear her calling his phone n as much as i feel like taking the phone, putting it on silent n hiding it, i cant deny that i DONT  want to lose him, as capable as i am of breaking things up...i dont want to hurt him, after all the things hes done to me, all the sweet things n the small ways he shows he loves me..i will always want to be that one on his arm, and seeing him when i want to..he just is that person i want to travel places with and see new things, and ru and fall down and climb mountains and maybey eve trees with, i mean i know i can....just the way I WANT TO may not be anytime soon. It would be ultimately romantic if one day he realised how much more i can give, n suddenly come back and say ALEXIS, you are the one, i never realised it before, but now i do...LIKE in the movies, when the guy is with his gf, ad yet he loves this other girl, and the girl loves him more than anything, and then the guy catches his gf with another guy or the gf does something to fuck up the relationship whicj makes the guy realise, how this one girl has always been around for him, even after so long she has stil loved him, even tho he was with someone else, even though he went away with the gf to see her when she lived somewhere else, and this girl cried n cried but she still loved him reguardless of the fact she couldnt have the guy that completed her. and one fine day, the guy realises she has always been there, as much as he hurt her as much as he too wanted to be with her all along, he realises she suddenly goes missing right at the time he realises she is the love of his life and goes to look for her everywhere, the places she always hangs out, and eventually finds her, and runs up 2 her and says, hes sorry for ever hurting her and making her cry and doing things he shouldnt of done, and he is willing to risk his life to prove how sorry he is, and how much he loves her and wants to prove it, and the girl is angry coz it took him so long and they live happily ever after....its the most romantic thing everrrr!...i hate it when hes not around, i hate it when she calls even tho im good at pretending i dont care, im even better at pretending i dont hurt. and i will continue so long as he is happy, i dont want him to think about if im hurt or not, i just want him to know im happy, even more when hes around me. And that is all that matters. I love this person inside and out, and i swear i will not make the mistake of letting this go, iv let a lot of people go, and finally soemone who is right comes along even tho it may not be our time right now, im gnna hold on for as long as my heart continues beating. Im in love for all the right reasons finally, and theres no way in hell im letting anyone or anything get away..EVER.

tired to make it work

He says he understands me, and i used to beleive it coz it used to be good enough for me.

This can only be as good as we both make it..but it aint like that no more..

i used to think he was the only one in my life who i could give everything to, i never complained that he had no time for me, but slowly when he did...it turned boring, we never did anything together anymore, i started losing interest in the relationship and realised that i wasnt happy..i just gave up trying to find reasons to fight myself on what was making me down, was i bored? was i secretly looking for something that wasnt actually there..did i have high hopes over someone who wasnt actually what i thought.

When we had a fight it never mattered who was wrong, i would be the one calling and apologising, i always tried my best to make him happy, when slowly i realised i was so busy making others happy that, i myself was not happy at all. What happened to when the guy would take the girl out to a romantic dinner? surprise her just because he loved her? 

i need that fire, that spark, that one thing that reminds me he loves me...he says i love you all the time, but it just feels like words, even i dont feel honest when i say it now, because im falling out of it. i used to be the one wanting to make things work, and iv somehow distanced myself in the relationship, and now, hes tryna do everything to make me stay...

but i dont even know who to blame on this, it might just be me, wanting to see a bigger picture, i realised im not ready to be so seriouse, i need someone who can join me when i wanna do something, not stop me.....im hopeless and sooo confused at the moment.. god dammit!!

iv tried..

He said he had feelings for me since day 1, so why did i only xpect it to be just a simple friendship in the beginning, and now its online skype every night from night till early morning, watching him get wasted and watching him waste his life away because of a broken family, iv tried advising him and calming him down, but because hes all the way in phillipines i cant do much, he says he wants 2 come here, n see me even tho i know it would be dangerous at least on my part of the pie...

i feel so sorry for him tho, drinking 24/7 and noone there helping him, and watching and hearing him get emotional about how much he wants his mum n dad to stop getting a divorce...it hard 2 watch someone u care about go thru that..

yet i still listen n hear him out, but i dont know how 2 help him! iv tried..

HELOOOOO

My husky is finally here, im so happy her name is maya, shes soooo adorable! still a bit nervous but its all good...i love her sooo much! my new baby

Honestly

I DONT REALLY CARE WHO READS MY BLOGS, IM NOT APOLOGISING FOR WHAT I FEEL, OR WHAT IV BEEN TOLD, TRUE OR NOT TRUE, I AINT DOING ANY INVESTIGATING COZ I HAVE BETTER THINGS TO DO. MY LIFE IS GOOD, AND IM HAPPY AND THE ONLY REASON I MEET A BAD FRIEND IS COZ OF MY 'BOYFIES FRIEND SO AS MUCH AS I TRY N AVOID IT, IT JUST CANT GO AWAY. I GOT WHAT I GOT, IM BETTER OFF WITHOUT THE 'PLAGUE'...HEHEHEHEHEHH

hey hey

Im going jakarta toomoroow cant wait, a nice relaxed break, and dim sum, and good company, and hardcore shopping..cant wait...need a temp break for a bit, n get my bloody hair re-done again...cant wait..

TWo faces...

You know, when i write here, it stays here, it dont go anywhere, i dont tell ppl to read my blogs, coz thats not my purpoe, if they read, they read...im just getting feelings off my chest.

You are the typical 2-faced person, in front one kind, and behind one kind...BUT..i ALWAYS say it up front if i am asked. If u dont ask, i wont tell...the thing is u havent changed, and u never change even when i do tell u...and its the same shit all the time. So dont expect to come running after me if anything happens to ur relationship later, coz thats all u know how to do...the minute theres a problem u come chasing after me as if i havet seen u for years, then once ur prob is settled, u go back to ur 2 faced self again...what makes u think i wanna deal with that again??

YOU DONT EVEN REALISE, IM THE ONE WHOS PUT UP WITH U ALL THIS WHILE, but u dont get that, i have loadz of other friends who treat people better than u..remember that.

The truth is..

Wtever i write here comes from what i feel, what i think and my own pure opinions, if u terase about what im writing then ask me, but u cant change how i feel, i know what a good friend is and i knw what a bad friend is, so either u become a good friend instead of a two-faced bitch, or get lost...i cant be dealing with bad friends anymore..im tired of it..

j-town j-town!!

Yup im goin again, kl is getting boring that much faster, it gives me time to miss stuff anyway  i like having a little me-time..n feeling independant again...its good...lets me realise what my goals r again n release my stress...

Im gnna do it this time...

• If i bump into her anywhere, and she even tries to make up a story
  
• im gna smack her one, n ill make sure that there will be noone around t stop me.....BITCH
  
• Then im gnna tell her what i think of her
• Then im gnna threaten that if i ever see her in my area, or even in my breathing space, she should be careful...iv been waiting to do this for a long time...and i dont even have a solid reason, i just think its about time, and right on so many levels..

Bitch-->da la gemuk, ingat org percaya u lg??? i dont think so coz these ppl got proof, it doesnt work anymore, u made everyone run away from u coz u have a serious attitude problem, and even tho i dont see u, everyone is telling me stories about crap uv been doing that i didnt even know about, ur a hypocrit, and u gonna get whats cming to u...so either u stay away, or come a bit closer and try my patience.

For ur info - The truth never hurt anyone, but its gnna hurt u..coz ur so caught up telling lies, ur not aware of ur own life.....so sad..i almost felt an inch of sadness for u..

When life turns ironic? all of a sudden

Isnt it weird how, u can know someone for about 5 years but actually dont know them at all?

even tho u used to be close n everything, dont get me wrong, everyone has their secrets..but its weird when u sorta end up figuring something out about someone, or just the fact that u just know that something isnt right about a person.

I just found out from a few friends that 'THIS PERSON' takes trips 45 mins away every weekend or every week just so that 'they' can get jiggy under the covers in a hotel on a hill...and does 'Ice'  like isap batu kind of ice and has been bragging for ages shes a virgin but actually hell no she aint....and my friend showed me the text that one of 'them' sent to my friend about asking where he can find 'ice'  is this true..

I think im more shocked than anything..

Its a shame that some people dont open their eyes, and sumore the gf is payin for it..since she pays for everything, but she still cant see shes being used, its sad you now to watch something like that (if u cared), but maybey what goes around comes around aye, maybey she deserves it..

Maybey she asked for it. well good luck to that, but like three of the people who were with me read the text from my friends phone n we were all shocked, i mean we didnt expect them to be doing THAT, what a way to fuck up ur life.

To be honest with you, yeah im shocked, but i couldnt care less, coz its their lives but to think that u think u know someone n suddenly.....finding out from other people summore About their activities..

I know nobodys perfect, but for gods sake look at what u r doing...they dont realise they r showing people these kinds of things, n people can already work out what they r up to..they just dont know it..its actually become a joke amoung  my friends..

To put it all out, we met them once up there, n my guy friend said that The 'girls' 

bf told my guy friend that 'they' both just finished doing ice b4 we arrived....isnt that like really messed up, its not cool to do drugs, or show how proud u are to be in a hotel....isnt it kinda...embaressing? what ever is private, keep it private laaa rite..

What is this world coming to?  .SHIT.

Ya know what

As a reply to my last post, MAYBEY THIS FEELING IS NORMAL IN A RELATIONSHIP,  maybey im just being selfish and weak, why should i give up when things start getting hard?

I cant live my life this way forever, i need to get over the obstacles that come my way n hit them all down.

i mean you tell me how easy it is to find the right guy..

i know he loves me more than anything, and i wont let stupid ideas get to me, i will get thru this, and do watever it is that must be done!...

im giving up..

I just dont know what to do with my relationship, i dont know where its going, this is no engaged relationship, its not how its supposed to be...he has changed, he always complains and gets angry in ways i never knew possible, its more of a rage than just a simple anger moment.

I dont know what to do anymore, i just feel that i cant do anything anymore, and im on the verge of calling it all off, i cant stand having to chase after him all the time, and being blamed for everything, and everything being my fault all the time..

Our relationship doesnt seem to have that spark it used to have the last time..i dont know why..

i just wish there was some little voice in my head saying that everything will be ok, or telling me to be stronger or tell me to just hang in there...im hoping for this voice to come out faster because im on the verge of calling it quits, as mush as i hate to even think about it, im just losing hope, its not all of a sudden, but it gets worse all the time...do i just need a break away from him? do i just need to do my own thing? i dont know..

iv tried hard to try n figure things out...maybey i just need more time...

a heart in a million different places

my baby siti...shes adorable!! volunteer work soon..
Siti the elephant


i got big love for my guy, but what do you do, when u just cant have ur way on ur ways of doing things?

i just dont know what to do anymore, am i falling out of love? but i still cant picture myself without him, hes everything to me, and we have gone thru so much together...( hell and back)

I always question myself, and if this is the guy i can spend the rest of my life with..

i never questioned myself before..so why am i doing it now?

have i seen better things? have i opened my eyes to other things?

experienced better?

what is wrong with me?

he is stubborn..but why do i feel i just cant get my way around things?

yet i still continue to contemplate if he really is the one?

why am i questioning everything?

do i want this?

am i ready?

im lieing if i say i didnt see i coming, but i somehow kinda did in a way..

is my love looking for another face? is my heart looking for something else or is my head playing with me?

i just cant defrinciate which one i need to follow..i cant end my relationship coz i love this guy too much, hes everything to me, but i think maybey im indirectly trying to picture the person i want to see, but maybey is not there? i dont know.....maybey i cant just have everything i want my way....

so i went to the zooo....it was so much fun, i had a huge crowd watch me feed the elephant, her name is siti..i pla to work with them soon, n continue my work on animal rights awareness...

If there ever was faith

Its gunna be my grandparents GOLDEN 50TH ANNIVERSARY SOON..damn..50 years of marriage..do you know how hard it is nowdays to stay together for 50 years??

most people nowdays only barely survive 3 or four..some even weeks, some even days after marriage..god, how strong must you be to survive 50? that kind of relationship needs COMPLETE understanding and complete reasoning and dealing with problems together..

they met when they were 15 and stayed together ever since..its amazing!!

ON ANOTHER TOPIC;

Wow, after 3 weeks of no contact, i felt kinda better without knowing what u r up 2, i didnt even think about you, every time people asked me where u were, or were making fun of you, i just shrugged and said i dont know...you are such a hypocrit..then suddenly you call me and ask me where i am? why? i havent replied ur texts, or called u to find out where u are..then when i said my best friend is in town, you said i was happy..ummmm duh!! SHES my BEST FRIEND..a person i depend on, a person who listens n helps me however she can, even tho she lives far away..she is always there for me..she is on my side no matter what..and she beats u by 10000.0000.00765689 miles of being a good friend..then YOU asked where my fiancee was..and then he called me and told me you was calling him...why? why do think that when im not with him that he would want to see u either? him and all his friends try avoiding u..what makes u think he would care if u want to lepak? or issit u only nak lepak when im not around, where u can get the attention without any distractions? hahahha...my my..even ur bf's mum..ohh i wont go there, it might hurt ur feelings, coz u must think u and his mum are close huh?? well think again...the people close to her told me things..its sad, u try so hard to make people like you, and think that they all do...u need to learn more lessons..its too bad i wont be around to teach u ..coz i was done a long time ago, so stop calling my man, coz if u do, and i happen to b there when u do..dont be surprised what i say..coz what i think is..you cant make ur own plans so u wanna barge in on mine...

On a brighter note: mY SiBeriAn HuSkY Puppy is arrivig next week, ots been a bit late coz is only a few weeks old...cant wait!!

product of lifes disaster

Friends are easy to find,...but friends who will cry with you when you cry..or friends that will hurt when you are hurting..are so difficult..im lucky to have ones like that...but they r far away in other countries..thank god i still see one regularly..cz if i didnt i would be a mess..

it makes me wonder sometimes, if god mechanically engineered us humans to have to have an equal, to have company, why didnt he create is to be solo? why did he create emotions..

why has he given the emotion to be sad?

and to feel pain or heartbreak?

to feel messed up and lost?

we humans, are a time-bomb ready to go off...its so obvious, some cant even stand having emotions, and forget to put their breaks on while they drive themselves crazy over things not worth ending their life for..is this thing called life..really a test?

Could life after this be anymore worse? 

i hope not..

I met up with a friend of my fiancee today...shes had a third miscarriage recently..and on the table by the door, wrapped up in a white cotton baby cloth, lay her dead three-month embryo, that was taken out of her yesterday, my fiancee asked me to go open it n have a look, but i couldnt bear to look at something so pure, that has been taken away from a woman, she has been taking all sorts of medication to get her hormones right, this time was un-planned, the doctor did say, dont try, or dont do any penetrating for a while, but i guess it was an accident, but i felt so sad sitting there, staring at the cloth, and what laid inside it..it makes you almost hate being a woman, and the though of how many women go through it..i got a headache from thnking if it ever happened to me, or anyone close to me..Honestly..HOW MANY times does it take to drive a woman insanely crazy? losing out on creating a family for herself 3 times and failure??

i wish her all the best for the next time...

anyway im off to bed, im tired of thinking..

The beauty of life

1- Its amazing how the circle of life is..on the topic of friendship i really want to see someone before she leaves, i know im not equipped with a license yet to drive my car to get to see her myself, nor enough time in the weekdays due to college n assignments..but i really want to have the time to see friends that stay far away...i hate it, i hate having no time to do what i want..

i hope i do manage to see her tho..

2- I just came back from a lovely evening with mia, we had dinner together, at the castle n chit chatted about everything, i love discovering how u can just click with someone, without the barriers of judgement and curiosity...me an mia just clicked since the first day of college and we have always been there for eachother, then ust now we wentto club 21, to see my dad n his friends, coz his friends nephew is a friend of mine n its his birthday..so we went n had some fun then we went home, i enjoyed it.

3- why is everyone assuming im married already?? seriously why would anyone think i would get married quietly and not invite anyone? or do i just look really old? engaged yes..but NOT married.

4-Im exhausted from my day at college n having a good night out...im off to bed..

i am at this point..and i dont understand

Iv been having fights lately with my brother, i dont understand why..i hardly see him, he is always out..if im at home he is not, and if im not at home he is still out..i really dont get it..

is it his hormones that have triggered him to be aggressively loud and foul-mouthed to the point that im prepared to punch his lights out?

Dont get me wrong i love my family dearly...but i have no idea where my brother got such a dirty mouth from? is it his friends..he criticises at every chance he gets, and makes sure he is loud in doing so..

I admit..im NOT perfect, i have made a real mess of my teenage years, letting people take advantage, letting them do it..without me even seeing the big picture, i had noone to tell me what i need to be careful of in my teenage years, i had noone i felt i could open up to..i trusted everyone when i was a teen...evry person i was friends with, new or old i trusted...n sadly a lot of them used me..and i let them..being a teen is not an easy stage..i gathered a horrible reputation, but noone every tried to ask why, or how...or what was going on with me, or what i was going through, what i was developing emotionally, or even-so..what i didnt realise i had developed...and yes it is EXTREMELY hard to look back and say, wow, those were good times..

some of the times were good, but i let a good thing go to waste, i let people ruin my image by trusting them too much..most of them....boys....but i cant say it has all been bad...

im 21 now..i feel i have become stronger and more aware..im engaged to someone i love more than anything, who has stuck by me through all sorts of situations..

i have realised, i may not be the best of a friend, but because of my past i have somehow stopped trusting people...some human beings can be so cruel..

some people just enjoy going out and ruining peoples image...why? they get nothing from it..

everyone makes mistakes..i have learned from mine..do i need to ask peoples forgiveness???

must i go to each and every person and seek forgiveness in case i had done any damage to our relationship?

I THINK..i am aware of who i can trust and who i cant...i dont like hanging around in big crowds, i dont like busy places full of gossip folk...i enjoy being with people whos company is completely worth it..but once i have established such a friendship like that i will be there for my friends whenever they need me, even if i cant make it on that time, i will try to work another time out..

To those who feel i may have hurt you in any way...i am sorry..very sorry..

its 2.13am...why am i feeling like this??

pissed off...

TODAY:

Couldnt go to c the gurls...sne my license wont b coming till sometme this week..n there was noone to help send me to lrt or anywhere that i knew could get to sunway...very pissed off....

Monday: AFTERNOON:

Met my home girl zenty, we went to fridays fer lunch n had the jack daniel's chicken...it was amazing!!! we got to chatting about relationships, since she is already married, she knows the ups n downs...all the things we talked about have really got me thinking...im not brave enough to think reconsidering??? No i must not get silly ideas now...iv worked so hard at my relationship...no way can i...or would i give it up for anything?...i expected him proposing to me to have some fairy tale effect on me...but it was for a short while only, the gleaming face, that cant stop smiling..and the hugs for no reason, it feels kinda the same as last year...as if nothing has changed...

i would not change anything tho...but what if once we get married, i cant get what i am used to having?......im just not sure i could handle it.....omg what am i saying i must go....i feel a migrane cming...uurrgggggggghhhhhhhhhh

here it is...

so, next week is college again...kinda lookin forward 2 it actually...no more talk aboot the euro...germany lost dammit!!!  getting my license this week sometime..meeting up with the girls..if i got the transport...might be adopting a husky puppy...STILL not confirmed yet..my neighbour hasnt told us the details of its vaccines yet..tomorrow..im going to go SHOPPING!!  ineed to de-stress myself...so many things have been going on...urghhhhh i hate thinking.....

CHECKLIST:

License?      this week

Puppy?        Not confirmed

Football?     not for now

Shopping?  tomorrow..HELL YEAH!

College?       Next week

Thinking?    i give up

Complete control of my life? NON EXISTENT...

hello..

HEY..WELL NOW I HAVE MY OFFICIAL CALENDER SORTED OUT, I AM FINALLY AT PEACE, ALTHOUGH IT WA SCARY WHEN I GOT A MESSAGE FROM MY ANATOMY READINGS SAYING THAT 'SOMETHING I WISHED FOR MAY NOT PLEASE ME AS MUCH AS I THOUGHT' i guess it was talking about my holidays...maybey i did secretly wish i did have the 2 months off so i could go to the gym, n lose the fat i have gained over the past 2 moths alone..however i was getting bored at home and half a year of holiday would just be a waste of my time..so i guess im glad im going to be doing something..aww well i just watched KUNGFU PANDA on dvd...i was really planning to watch it at the movies but i couldnt help myself...although im a bit dissapointed, i was expecting it to be hilarious, but instead it was just ...CUTE...yeah, i didnt really find it that funny, even though the trailer seemed much more funny...weird..but i am waiting to see Hancock and a Superhero movie...might watch it at the cinema, i seem to lose my laugh when im at home alone...in the cinema with everyone else, whatever seems funny seems to make everyone laugh..so we will just see...

now its messed up!!

There i go thinkin my college stARTs on he 23rd whih was what the assistant of courses told me...i went early in the morning n found out i dont start till september?? wtf??? what am i gonna do for 2 more months huh??? what the hell??? i xnak buat lemak jer at home...i need something to doo!!!!!!

new sem!!

i have college tomorro...im sooo not up for it...i actually have gotten used to sitting on my ass n waking up watever time i want with lunch ready on the table...but i have to admit, it does get boring because you dont kno what to do with the time, i will either treat myself at the hair salon, or go have lunch, ill usualy be alone since everyone is either working or having class...so the prospects of getting back to college n doing something useful, instead of just making myself fat at home n stuffing my face with food...are actually looking quite good,,i just hope i dont have many morning classes....

no sleep

i havent slept for 48 hours..and im absolutely exhausted, had to pick up, my fiancee's brother in kuantan today..didnt sleep becoz we had to leave at 7.30am..before that i went to my old college mates bar behind maizon, she opened it a month ago...so i came to support her...its really nice..a great place to chill....now im watching a movie called the king of scotland..its kinda good...very patriotic but sad too...anyway...i probly wont finish it coz im so sleepy...goodnite...

i dont beleive it..

why did you bother texting me, asking me if im mad at you? what do u think? 

..now ur doing it to other people, and yes they know it too...they are fast learners...

i blame myself for being the slow one, i should of taken the advise a few years ago...i should of seen the sighns..

...but i didnt..

How in gods name can u ever call yourself a friend, when you treat people like shit..

im still confused as to wether im being too nice or am i being too harsh..

i dont know how else you will ever understand why iv been like this...its not because i have to..its because i want to...

So dont text me asking me if im mad at you..what makes you think im mad...u said you havent done anything to me..why would you terase if i havent picked up your calls unless you think you have done something to me?...

its hot

i hate the heat here, its not like u can get a tan with this heat, cant be bothered to go swimming becoz im afraid the little kiddie winks always pee in it, and even if they didnt i would still feel as though they did...i dunno what to do...getting my driving license soon...cant wait!!!!!!

monkey time

im gonna go feed the monkeys near my house...its more inspiring than sitting at home....

can you just go find yourself...please

Go and find who you really are, stop complaining, learn how to stop lieing , stop tryna be someone else...stop tryna pretend....stop it all!!!!

why do it?

I dunno if its just me, but i just found out my blogs are read, not jz to try and find out whats up..or anything new...but to find out if i have written about her...isnt it crazy...dont tell me blogs have no freedom either? theres no quality control here..its a blog..a stupid freaking blog where people are free to write what they like when and how they want....god save the freedom of blogs...for petes sake...what is the world coming to...

urghhhh

i give up! i give up!! i give up on life!! im so bz trying to control my own, and other people want me to sort their freaking mental issues and their problem too....IM NOT A PSYCHOLOGIST! 

If your lives are so miserable..GO ON HOLIDAY...GO EAT PEANUTS AT A BAR..JUST GO DO SOMETHING! I HAVE PROBLEMS ON MY OWN...I DONT HAVE TIME 2 WORRY IF ANYONE WILL BE AROUND FOR ME ANYMORE!! JZ FECK FECK EVERYTHING!! FECK LIFE...FECK USELESS FRIENDS...FECK TRUST FECK FECK WATEVER IT ALL IS RIGHT NOW!!!!! HUUURGGGHHHHHHHHHHH!!! IF I HAD THE CHANCE TO BE THE HULK RIGHT NOW I WOULD....OR EVEN SPIDERMAN.....

ohh well

So im finally back from jakarta...it was amazinggg!! god i wish i could of stayed longer, i felt so at home there n so comfortable..i dunno why...maybey i do need a change of country..everything is so free there... u feel so at home..n everyone is friendly..everyone has their group..n stays in it...its really cool n i love the fashion there everyone who is anyone looks good everyday...hanie would love it..probly cz of the choice of doghnut shops n how easy it is to find clothes that look good on everyone...no matter what size u r or how big ur wings are...mine r growing slowy n i hate it!! urrghhhh i need to diet...everyone there is soo gorgeous and perfect it would make the most gorgeous girl in the world still feel insecure...its nothing like wat the tv says...i was so confused on where to START shopping i headed straight for Zara which seemed utterly pointless coz Malaysia has it too..but the choice of clothing there is wayyyy better...so for those who cant get there hands on shopping in paris or italy...go to jakarta dudettes!! as fo dramaaaaa...hmmm no nothing new...my labrador puppy died tho a day after we bought it..apparently it contracted an infection in pets wonderland..n hadnt yet been vacciated..since it was too young..it was meant to be a surprise once i came back from indonesia..but it died b4 i could even see it..i saw the pictures tho..it was an adorable cutie with a tubby bum which went by the name ( as my brother didnt know what to call it) MIKEY...may mikey rest in peace...bless him...hmm yeahhhhhhh  so thats about it so far...might go up to my house in penang next week for a short holiday n go tanning or something...i need some colour..im starting to blend in with the walls..grrrrrrr so until my next post....tartar

i just dont know...

Aku baru bertunang..tapi kenapa kepala otak aku rase mcm takut..serabut..a few days ago i sat down with my own family n decided that i wont have a wedding till i finish college n have settled down in work....right after that i started asking myself questions...is this it? is this the end of my life? could it be that my whole life has been all layed out and planned for..n am i really ready for all of this....at first i was so excited n happy n had butterflies...but when i see all my other friends yang masih single...or whos boyfriends are away studying.....i feel as if im still missing out on something..n i dont know what it is..is it my freedom? am i being caged up? i need all my friends to come back...all my good friends are away in different countries n it makes me mad at myself coz i have literally noone to talk to or cry to when im stressed out...im planing to finish my license soon so i can get my butt over to hanie n cry...i dont know anymore..i am getting chili feet about this whole thing...i love this guy with everything i have...i really do..hes everything too me...maybey i just need someone to encourage me...or give me some idea on what i should do...da la tgh blaja agama ni..bukan senang..lidah i da terbalik dah baca n sebut. and this whole engagement thing really tests a persons loyalty to their partner..i swear..i just dont know if i have enuff strength in me to get thru these tests.....tolonnnggggg!!!!

J-town j-town!!

Omg ..im finally going to see cindy in jakarta..im so excited..n i can get away from here 4 a while...it would be really cool tho if all the girls were around ...we could go on a trip somewhere..ntah la...i have to wait 4 alyaa to balik lama skit..n hanie to cuti..n the rest to all be free..baru boleh plan betul2...but i really wanna have one of those all-girl trips where everything is ....how hanie? lezbonizing? heheheheheh yeahh n we all go n do crazy stuff..even the ones that are attatched...god i should tell all of them n c what we can do...grrrrrrrr

im leaving on monday...wish me luck...that i dont get kidnapped by jihad terrorists....

muaaxx muaxxx

Friendship? or what is this?

Well..im going to jakarta soon to see my best friend cindy..

cant wait to get out of this boghole!

Hmm been a bit sad lately...or shall i say upset? no..angry? slightly..Surprised? hmmm there is a word i just cant recall what the word for the emotion im feeling..

So i indirectly introduced a 'friend' to a friend of mine..two simple people who at first had no attraction to eachother..somehow fell in love...

I was in awe that something so unpredictable could happen..as both of them just got out of bad relationships..

yet i wasnt ready for something that i was completely unaware of...

Yes...lies..that word that just makes you cringe in dismay and anger..

only recently i was to find out, through a close guy friend that 'Y' AND 'Z' HAD ACTUALLY gone swimming with other friends of mine..and dint even have the decency to ask to come along...dont get me wrong..if it was just the couple i wouldnt care..coz u know its couple time...but this was like friends day out?..the friends of mine that i...me..alexis..introdduced 'y' to...wouldnt you be angry?

BREAKING IT DOWN: A friend from outside, brings YOUR friends to hang out..or do whatever..and doesnt even ask you to come and join...wouldnt u feel sort of pissed off?

i am..and theres nothing that can justify it..PLus the fact that the friend who had the photos in his phone..had actually hidden the picures in a completely different file so it did state the obvious..

That 'y' had obviously told my friend to hide it...coz that friend of mine wouldnt hide anything..ow im fuming with anger...

How do i know?

its happened b4...should i just pretend i never saw them? preted as if everything is bright and sunny in the sky...and i am the type of person who will not stand bullshit...especially from someone who i consider a friend....after introducing 'y' to 'z'..DONT I DESERVE SOME GOD DAMN GRATITUDE? some form of appreciation...who says i need to be with ;y; everyday? puhleez i got my own life..but when it comes to friends...asal xleh ajak? kalo xsuke ke apa..cakap je laaa..when will the lies stop..?? sampai rasuk kawan i sendiri untuk tipu xtahan tu.....mashallah...what is the world coming to???

What a friend huh.i was told it would happen n it did now i dunno how 2 avoid it.....sebnarnya da cuba ckp..tapi sebab kawan sendiri da bagitau(kawan fiancee)..i dun need anymore proof..the pictures were there...n i dunno wat the excuses will be..

Remember that blogging is just to let go of feelings that need to be let out, so just leave it at that...i have the freedom to express as i wish on my blogspot...as the freedom for people to comment what they wish... TQ

It was emotional...

Sitting downstairs just now, somehow opened the topic of my late mum to my maid...the thing is..i never ever cried when telling someone b4...but since 2day me n my grandparents were on the topic of the past..i ended up telling the story of how my mum died to my maid..since me n my maid r close, i began telling her...and i burst into tears..i couldnt hold back my tears at all, and i dont know why..it has never happened b4, but it did today..it hurts me to remember that i was forced to grow up in just a few seconds because i was at home alone and now my brothers need me 4 the rest of my life..there was noone around 4 me to go 2 when i needed someone the most, never had the chance 2 really talk about my feelings, or be able to go someone when i needed to know about the birds and the bees...i learned the walk of a teenagers life all by myself..never had anyone 2 answer my questions or guide me the right way...i had to walk i my own shoes n learn the hard way...its never been easy talking about everything that i have kept inside..growing up with 4 boys in the house was and still is a walking nightmare...but this is my fate n i just have 2 accept it..i know it never used 2 be easy for my dad to raise me and my brothers...i always had complaints and arguments n things 2 say...still do have things to say...my dads current gf is someone i despise with all the hate in me..maybey my life wouldnt be so bad if i had that ONE MOTHER FIGURE to help me out..But again, never got that chance either...teenage times are always the hardest, when a person is trying to find himself/herself....eventualy i found myself...and i know what i want....i may not be 100% happy but ill just have 2 keep it to myself like i have for the past 9 years of my life..if i end up exploding like a time-bomb...i know that ppl on blogspot knew it b4 anyone else...

-good evening-

I want i want!!!

TopShop Got-to-get List

28 pound 4 this dress? its mine when i find it

85 pond seems a lil unreasonable, considering the detail on the dress..but its still nice

Topshop Jeans r around 40 quid in England, so Here it would be bout Rm200 

I just love this outfit- it just works(TOPSHOP)

Polkerdot party dress

Pink-heart retro top

Thing on The Wish-List-Babyphat mini dress

Before i go to bed

Before i go to bed

i think of all the things i did today

and count how many times i pushed irrelevant things out of the way

i went to college and did my work

even tho my lecturers do drive me besurk

and drive me to the point of where i end

but i do take it all up as a challenge

I lay on my soft pillows as they bury my head

and i think of the silly things today that i may have said

i regret hurting anyones feelings in the past

and pray my true friendships shall forever last

i know there have been up's as much as down's

but i didnt mean to make those frowns

I think of HIM, and it makes me smile

even tho just a minute seems to last for a while

Its a year today, and i feel complete

becoz i know some people could never compete

i love him more every single day

even when he does tend to get in the way

but he is always able to make me laugh

even if im on the phone with him while taking a bath

he is what i think about before i sleep

yet when he is not around im at my stress peak

When im down he picks me up

and if im milk, he is the cup

if im a banana he is the skin

he is everything about me within...

Im so sleepy, got class tmrow..bye

How i feel about all this...

Ofcourse it sucks when u feel the whole world is against you...

i have been there..

Friends are friends till u know that they bitched about you, and called u names..

But when u have the guts to admit it to the person and apologise, it makes everything so much easier..

Close cut friendships will always have misunderstandings, thinkin u kno eachother from A-Z..

sometimes u need to take the time to spell the letters out, and really understand what they mean.

But..never..ever..date or kiss a friends ex..the outcome will always be nasty..

YES I AM TALKIN ABOUT 'X' ...i mean what happened to the good 'ol confrontation, the one on one table talk..if u dont agree with what people are saying..SPEAK UP! u cant expect ppl to read minds..say something..if u didnt do what others are saying then its so much easier to say so...if the proof is there..talk it out..

But at the same time, when u have said things about all your friends..one day...they will all find out...and maybey that is what is happening to u now...

But dont just look at it as a lost cause, or another friend down the drain...im talkin about ppl who used to care 4 u...i was hurt by u 2..n yes it did take me a while 2 forgive u..even tho ur actions were not 100% justified..but i still forgave you...but even tho i did...i still wonder why you would of did the same thing to others...

If you feel they r wrong...GO AND SEE THEM, ALL OF THEM...yes girls will always be girls..and words hurt girls more than anything else...

im not saying i beleive 100% u did do it...i have my doubts about kissing 'her ex' i do have my doubts that u didnt...justice may be prevailed already yet maybey it is not..if u treasured the friendships at all u wouldnt of said anythin in the 1st place..so think about it...

Look at yourself, and ask yourself, what are you going to do with you..remember FRIENDSHIP IS AN INVESTMENT THAT SHOULD NEVER BE TAKEN ADVANTAGE OF, USE IT WISELY BECOZ ONCE THAT STOCKMARKET FALLS DOWN...IT MAY BE GONE FOR GOOD...

The26th of MARCH

ok!!!!!!!, 1st of all im really touched by Alyaa n Hanies blog..hahahh everyone is on the topic of marriage...its really sweet..

And i know that whatever difficulties u guys r goin thru...i have so much faith i both of you...more faith in you two than anyone else i know..u are two really strong ppl....love u guys very much

Today is the day that i finished my shoot as well, absolutely exhausted..

all the 3 inch make up, i miss all the people i met..and all the time spent at Lim kok Wing was quite an experience.

I was amazed at the profound varieties of culture in Just one college...n it has almost everything there...but its so far away from everything which is why isaid i didnt want to study there...

I went out with the girls today as well, ALYAA IS FINALLY BACK FOR A WHILE! and we all got to meet up...after like a year? yeah...Our Bitchy Wednesday..but it was good..its amazing how well u can communicate in a group when u have sooo much in common...heheheheh..

I reallly enjoyed it tho..besides the HOT conversation...we got to catch up on stuff we missed..n whats goin on in everyones lives.

Its really weird how much can happen in a year..but im so happy everyone is doing great...yet still have high hopes 4 some peoples relationships to get stronger coz they both make great couples...im finally in the zone..

Speaking of couples, yes im engaged...and it feels exceptionally strange and yet very fulfilling at the same time, coz i didnt think it would come so fast, i had no idea i was going to be loved so much by a person i just admired from far, the same person who was there when i cried, when i was finishing work, who brought dinner to me at my work place, who listened to all my problems..who always knew how to make me smile, even at the most ridiculous times..who always knew how to break my play-hard-to-get sequence with him, and knew everything, or seemed to know everything about me b4 we even met.

Yes being together a year seems so easy, but i have never experienced so much in one year b4, he may just be an average guy, but to me he is everything, i beleive that you dont have to have money and cars to prove you are someone, You are someone when you can prove you are able to love and accept another person for how he/ she is..my fiancee, has always been very humble, i knew that once i met him, he accepts anyone of any kind and never has a bad thing to say..

More importantly, he has always been there 4 me when i needed it..and i suppose he decided that he didnt want to be with anyone else, as if to say ' She is the one i want to be with till i go grey' and it really touches my heart becoz i cant see my self being with anyone else...some people move around at an early age, where as some start a bit later...i started early which is probably why i want to settle early too..i have no regrets, i have tried and experienced what an average person would experience at my age now, only a lil bit earlier. I want to work, n live my dream...i want to wake up every morning wth the one i love by my side, (POSSIBLE CANDIDATE FOR BED N BREAKFAST CHEF?) HMMM DOUBT IT...but the thought is nice...i dont think i wanna be seeing other people..i dont want to walk around wandering what i have been missing..when i have it in the palm of my hand, and i hold it so tightly becoz i never want to lose it, and the love that i have for just this one person, is enuff for me to say to him : I CANT WAIT TO MAKE FUN OF U WHEN U HAVE NO TEETH.....

Anyway..im off 2 bed nows...tata 4 now...

Phaze is it?

I dont kno why but , lately iv been feeling slightly outta place..most of my really good friends r all overseas...n im stuck here..i mean its great that im getting on alright but...i want that experience u know..of being in a foreign country...i am in a foreign coutry...but iv been here 4 so long it feels like home...to the point where i feel i need to get out and see the world, and be able to tell my children of what i have experienced...hmmm

Maybey its just a phaze, of actually finding out what i want in life, and i certainly do. i know exactly what i want. Its just that, maybey i want more outta life,  that extra anti-gravity that still pushes me to want to try other things...try everything while i still can...allow myself to be my own oyster n let the world just let me do so...see all the friends iv been wanting to see..sit on the beaches that iv always wanted to sit on...

i  have a few tings on my death-wish list:

-Sky diving

-african safari

-travelling the world

-give something to the orphaned children

-Meet Tun dr mahathir( must do)

-go back to england

-change peoples ideas of freedom?( dont think so)

- Allow people to understand that life is not a choice, its a gift

-Make history

-become editor or chief fashion director for Harpers Bazaar

-Donate a whoe coutrie's old clothes or rejected clothes to cambodian poor people

-Meet Nelson Mandela( i love that guy)

Well im not sure i can meet all of the wishes i want to...it involves time and a hell lot of commitment..which i know i have...it just depends on when and how...

I am looking forward to trying all of them anyway...

Dizzy

I had no class today, so pretty free..i have been having trouble sleeping lately i dont know why...i love getting a good nights sleep...maybey too much on my mind like with my design studio coming up, plus some other work i haf 2 do...urghhhh..Dad and the twins have gon to Kota Kinabalu today...jz 4 the weekend..he went to see the gf..i dont like her so i didnt want to go...plus the fact i might be going to see my best friend Cindy in Jakarta after my D.studio habis. I cant wait...Im getting kinda bored here..theres nothing to do but lepak..n shopping and eating..even all that is getting boring...its 7.00am and i still havent slept yet..

theres this girl(clubber) in johor who told my friends bf (of 4 years together) that she was pregnant with his child..my two friends nie have been 2gether 4 years...but the bf cheated on her recently....and this psycho girl wont leave them alone...walaupun skarang ni the doctor told her she isnt pregnant ...she still kacau..so i called her myself n told her to simpan the tiny piece of maruah she might have left , even tho its non existant...n that she should leave my friend alone...i mean c'mon my friends r getting engaged soon...jz leave them alone laa right, da kantoi scandal....but they are still 2gether....let them try n work it out right....i swear this girl is psycho..sampai anta 4 msg panjang2..n saying that she hates the guy, n that i should ask my friend to leave him(so that she can have him instead) n that she understands what i mean...but she is not a typicall clubber n that i shouldnt judge her? Girl...u sed u wuzz pregnant with my friends bf of 4 years...how many times has THAT happened to u?  n now that ur not just leave them alone....he doesnt want you laaaaaa....

god, i have to sleep....going to seremban today...and pd..

I dont get it...

Why cant friends just be satisfied with eachother?? normal yes 4 people to have dissagreements yes? but not to the extent where you bitch..its not nice especially in ur own group...marah mcm mana pon....

Yang i pelik kan....klu xpuas hati..ASAL X CONFRONT JE? ONE ON ONE...DUDUK ELOK2 KAT MEJE N JUST SORT IT OUT..what is so difficult?

even if xpuas hati ngn 5 orang or 10 org pon....

I notice that girls here like to call eachother BITCHES, SLUTS, WHORES, Bad Attitude this and that.. WHY???? why would you say things like that to or about someone?

Everyone is different, everyone has their own opinion thats normal...but for the girls who read this...come on....be civilized a bit towards eachother...these words are things that can split a friendship apart for a long time...and they are just words..but words are dangerous things to use.

Its like calling a friend FAT..or UGLY...why? ok he/ she may not look as good as YOU...but she might have more other positives than YOU, she might be ugly but she dont BITCH about her own friends. Or she might be Fat, but she is tryna work on it, even if she isnt..once she isnt fat no more she may be the next top model..

This is not me just talking on what iv seen, its what iv experienced myself..

I have been called all sorts of names...

and yes it DOES hurt...

but then i chose to ignore it...becoz the only person who should affect my self-esteem..is ME, noone else but me and me only...

Who deserves that satisfaction of bringing me down, just to make themselves feel better?

i know who i am, and if u dont like it....get lost..

what am i to care who wants to chow from my circle of  friendship, but once ur out you are out laaa...its a one way door. 

I love the people in my life...but i dont like being around peplewho bitch and bitch and bitch about their friends who are not even aware there is a problem.

Just lead the life you wat to, be the person you want to be and reach the goal you planned for.

 

Why wait for those who wish not to be waited for?

Why love and not be loved back?

Why tell a person you love them when u dont?

why tell a person you miss them when u miss someone else?

Why let someone break your heart and then let them do it again?

WHY why why why why..do we torture ourselves..why cant we just be our own person, and do things that are suitable for us...why cant we just be a perfect friend, and not create hate and lies about one another...

I still dont get it...