Tuesday, September 28, 2010

Corner of Concrete



And between the cement, stone and steel, here i am again, alone in the corner..

the cassette has been  rewinded, as i stand here with my ciggarette, back to my usual thoughts

looking on at the cars that go by, at the people who walk past in their own worlds

i stand here once again..in the corner by the entrance..by myself

Monday, September 27, 2010

A thought at night







Im sorry for the hurt iv caused
Im sorry for the pain
Im sorry if my sunshine ever brought you rain 
Im sorry if i made you scared
or ever brought u fear
Im sorry if i made you sad
or ever shed a tear

Im sorry if if i had too much to say
and made you feel i dont want to hear you
Im sorry when i got mad
and made you upset too

But im not sorry i loved
or the fact that i chose you
im not sorry you fell for me
and loved me back too

Im not sorry we met
or not see eachother all day long
im not sorry i try to understand
because thats what makes me strong

I miss you and your face
and i hope that you miss mine
becoz even tho were not always together
we will when we have time



-ALEXIS TIFFANY-




Invisible








Are you wearing Harry Potter'S invisible cloak?    because i just don't see you...WHERE HAVE YOU GONE?

Thursday, September 23, 2010

AND?

Above all..i miss you like hell!!!!! i miss you like a thirsty cactus, i miss you like a dried-out river with no water,i miss you like the earth with no sun..i miss you like an animal with no food, like a car with no wheels or a bird with no wings...

i just really miss you..

i just want to kidnapp you and run away so noon knows where we are and we can just do the things we wanna do and never have a single worry because we have eachother!!
i hate my weekdays w-out you, the nights we dont get to talk, the thoughts i dont get to share with you..and the silly jokes u laugh at....
do u understand anything iv just said?

this is torture!

Line of thoughts

Remember that its not fair to only understand me WHEN ITS CONVINIENT FOR YOU, when you only have the time to....I may not like what im asked to understand, but hell im trying, because u need me to....WHAT ABOUT TRYING TO DO THE SAME FOR ME RIGHT NOW?

WOULD U EVEN  TRY?

 Thank you for reading anyway  

Wednesday, September 22, 2010

C.T.W. (CRUELTY TO WOMEN)

Just sit down girls, take a good deep thought about yourselves...
I am very inspired to try and understand how cruel some people are and how women really need to stop giving in all the time.

It is hard being a woman..we are people pleasers, we gain whatever we can for ourselves, get married, become baby machines and home makers....and most of us do not realise it till the sky falls on our heads.We clean, we cook we try everything, most of the time to make others happy. Most women sadly only know how to do just that, many are not aware at all of their rights and entitlments. We can be stuck at home looking after our children, giving in and giving out and making a house a home...while our husbands are out playing the field with other women( which completely ruins a woman, self-esteem, pride and dignity) ..and im SHOCKED to understand, some women can just turn a blind eye and continue their lives knowing that and STILL living in the same house, same bed as their husband, that they married out of love and started a family with..some can actually put up with a whole life of uhappiness and not even say a word..this is no good!
GET OUT THERE GIRLS AND SAY SOMETHING!!

What is it that you men WANT? what is never good enough for you?? what is it that u men consider happiness... why is it, we have to give in to you, when it ALWAYS convinient for you?  why is it, you just dont know any self-control...why is it, one never seems to be enough?

Dont get me wrong, there are very few out there who are doing a good job in being loyal and honest to themselves and their girlfriends/ wives and such... but there is just so many who spoil it for the good ones.

Im not stereotyping, dont get me wrong, IV MET MANY BAD EGGS in my time..and even though i think iv found a good egg... its just over lunch i met a friend, single mother, husband has been sleeping w another woman for a year now, and refuses to divorce her the usual way, he wants to drag her to court( which could go on for years), while she has to look after her 3 kids on her own, besides her great job...shes suffering... why are you men so cruel.....STOP BEING GREEDY, STOP THE INFIDELITY, THE GAMES AND THE LATE NIGHTS AND LOVE YOUR 1 WOMAN, BECAUSE GOD DAMN IT..SHE LOVES YOU.

Tuesday, September 21, 2010

The approaching darkness


All this space gets emptier, the more i realize your just not where i am...
AND YOU JUST DONT SEE MY POSITION

Hider Seeker


IS this really neccessary? and if so..i wonder how long for
its ridiculous..
TIRED


Mentally. Physically. Emotionally.
I am Exhausted

Monday, September 20, 2010

Wouldnt it be nice




Wouldnt it be nice if they just turned around and said :


Im very sorry, iv realized you intentions were good and not what i supposed they were...


Wouldnt it be better if sometimes we could rewind, erase and play...



LIFE AINT ALL THAT GREAT TO US

Tick Tock




I waited yesterday, you never tried to look for me..yet i had to understand....


I waited in the morning...u must be busy..nevermind


I waited a few minutes ago.....no signs of avail...


Im still waiting...but maybe wont be for long..



Im such an idiot




My graduation


IM GRADUATING ON THE 9TH OF OCTOBER AT LE MERIDIAN HOTEL AT 11AM IN THE MORNING!! i thought graduation were held at night ?? oh well...


IM SO EXCITED!!! and those who i want to be proud of me shall be there

i need to go shopping for a dress!!!! aarrghhhhhhhh









One Day





One day ..i will be able to let the rain pour on me on purpose because i feel free enough to let it..
One day im going to take strolls in tall grass fields and let the sun kiss my face and appreciate it..
One day i will gallop through forests on my white horse and just admire mother nature
One day i will sit by a waterfall and just dream away, with that pen in my hand and write them all down...


One day i will be awoken by deer and rabbits and squirrels , just like in Snow white
and awoken by loves kiss like in Sleeping Beauty, maybe even befriend a fish and a crab, like the little ,mermaid...who knows.....but I KNOW
One day i will attempt to make a historical difference...


Simply because life is too short and i want to make a difference in everyones life...wether its appreciated or not...

Sunday, September 19, 2010

A year without rain

Deadly Silence


AND AS I SIT HERE..COMPLETELY BESIDE MYSELF, I LOOK UP TO THE SKY
I ASKED GOD ...WHAT THE HELL DID I DO IN ORDER TO DESERVE ALL THIS...
GOD STILL HASNT ANSWERED ME...ALONG WITH THE MANY OTHER QUESTIONS IV ASKED HIM BEFORE.... STILL..HE REMAINS SILENT....I AM YET TO FIND OUT WHAT HE MEANS BY THIS SILENCE OF HIS....

Upon my return






Today i will visit you, i will walk slowly towards you half in excitement, half unsure..


Because i know, once i find the right title... i will enjoy you , i will learn something , i will laugh, i may even cry but i will be happy..just for a moment...



my exit would be filled with sorrow...till i return

Times book shop... im coming to you after work..u better have my book

The road untaken





The turns you make in life are not always because you know..its because you think and assume...
i refuse to be that assumption or even part of it.. if u chose to turn a blind eye at that fact..by all means go ahead...because u never understood...



Know before you think...

What its not






She has so much sadness in her heart with almost a decade of burdens and other people buring her in their wants and needs...she became a people pleaser and never puttingherself 1st.., it distorts what she really is...maybe because noone else noticed it...

She never meant to be perceived that way..and hopes she will be seen for the person she really is..if you can see that far inside her...



maybe somewhere there is hope

a sudden dark cloud


Im here...i always have been....but you are no longer looking for me...
so i wont bother you.. i miss you..but im here..i just hope u know that

Holes in the ceiling





And i come into this space again, feeling somewhat alone now..things are slightly different...and i dont like it..and here i start to wonder if you miss me..as much as i miss you...

Thursday, September 16, 2010

Relapse society





Could it be my worst fear is STILL not yet over? relapse of an unsettled fetish maybe? god..i dont even wanna know..or question or anything...


All these numbers showing up on that phone of his..one after another...n today not being able to sleep...something just aint right....
It just makes me wonder...(here comes a big blow to the ego and self-confidence) but...what could it be that they have that i dont? what havent i done enough of?

its got my nerves going on rewind at the moment and its just killing me..

pls dont do this...but if you are...tell me...and i shall leave u ..so u...can get to ur foreign women in other countries...without me hassling you......and if that really is what u want for urself...please..above all...tell me what they have that i dont...and what didnt i do that wasnt enough...what did i ever do to cause u ..to do this....to me?

??QUESTIONING?? XXX

library

Never Judge a book by its cover....



YOU MAY FINISH IT LAUGHING UR ASS OFF....


i have a book i picked up and hav'nt finished reading, i must get back to that, biography's never let you down..i love dreaming and all the fanasty stuff...but biography's beat it all sometimes..
so iv realised i really should spend more time in library's and less thought about it..


i might actually learn something from it






here come the o'l urges


So....'bila lagi' ...'so alexis...bila?' ....' ala sis..cakap je lama lagi..jap lagi u pun sama'

' so lexis..when is it ur turn' ..'tunnggu apa lagi babe?' ' your next darlingggg'

' dont forget to invite sayanggg'


AND THEY COME MORE OFTEN THAN NOT...why does it always seem everyone knows more than one does...then theres the saying..those who wish not so soon get it sooner...AND then Disney came up with movies like 'SLEEPING BEAUTY' 'CINDERELLA' 'LITTLE MERMAID' 'THE FROG PRINCE' all these movies giving false hope to girls who dream.... is there really such thing as a dream im starting to wonder...iv been 'dreaming' all my life......u dont see people in these movies asking cinderella or little mermaid when 'its THEIR turn' ....its as if people are tryna keep me hopeful for that day when ill wear a glass slipper, as if not to give up hope that it will happen to me soon' what kind of girl/woman doesnt want to have her dreams come true..

They should hope a lot more for me, these occassions are just so intimidating...its so incredibly contagious...



MARRIAGE

xxx




Wednesday, September 15, 2010

Maybe


aaarrrgggghhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhh!!!!


Maybe its best to keep opinions, feelings, anything to with thought to myself..


i say:


If you cant drag the horse to the river, the the bugger go thirsty.. you cant force anyone to tell u the truth, that has to come from within..Honesty is so hard for some people....

Tuesday, September 14, 2010

A thought with a mind of its own



Your a kind of cancer that starts slow and eats away part by part

Your that kind of disease you just cant cure

your that kind of adrenalin when ur front row on a rollercoaster

Your just the right drug to make me high

i cant think of anything else, and i dont know why

your that kind of sugar that you just cant get enough of downing

your that kind of water you just want to drown in

your that kind of vanilla candle that u just have to light

your that kind of wrong you have to make right

your that kind of cookie u just have to eat

your that kind of stranger you just have to meet

your that kind of smile that has to be returned

your that kind of lesson that has to be learned...



~Thoughts that occupy the mind at every minute of every hour should really be written down..im officially tormented if i cant write... even the silliest thing~

dO yOu Remember

Do you remember the 1st time we danced, how perfect it was and how it felt as if it was only you and me on the dancefloor, and how you held me close enough to hear your heart beat, and all we did was dance until the song finished...after so long admiring one another from afar.....









Do you remember our 1st kiss...... and how i blushed.... right after u did and how everyone cheered?
Do you remember the 1st time i cried in front of you.. because something was so beautiful and right after you confessed you loved me...

Do you remember the times we would go for little dinners and chit chat all night long?
do you remember when i told you i loved you?
the 1st time we had a fight?
when i met your family?
when u met mine?
anything??
Are you as willing as i am? Is your love as unbreakable? Do you wish to be committed to me?
Do i make you happy still? Are you happy at all? Can i still make you smile?
do i still give you butterflies??
Yes i have questions, these questions are yet to be answered...i just really hope i get them soon ....
xxx








Monday, September 13, 2010

As i think...


I often find myself wondering and laughing where any of my ideas came from..i supposes its imagination, but wherever it came from im GRATEFUL for it...

Wouldnt it be such a dream to be able to lay in tall grasses, under blue skys and green trees and daisy flowers, where only the sounds of nature break the silences of our thoughts, and as i lay my head on your chest, i can hear your heatbeat and you brush through my hair with ur hands, ever so gentle...and as for your heart its in sync with mine...i turn and lift my head slightly and let the wind rush through my hair and as i turn to face you,..you kiss me with the warmth of the weather. It would be perfect, just like ice cream on a hot day, or water to a thirsty flower..YOU are perfect to me...

Sunday, September 12, 2010

Sept 11th

Now that raya is soon to be over for me,

September 11th has just passed us, i would like to share my condolences with the world for those who lost their loved ones in such a horrible tragedy 9 years ago...time has gone so fast, butthe memories will never be forgotten. Love to you all

Where there is Tragedy....

remember 9-11-2001.jpg



There may be HOPE


McCain Obama leave flowers at Ground Zero-thumb-425x495.jpg



Its so sad, that things like this we are never prepared for, its even more sad that innocent people lost their lives even those trying to save others. We should all realize by now how importat it is to love our neighbours and accept our differences be it race, religion and colour of skin. America and countries alike with a melting-pot of many races under 1 country really need to step up their game and make everyone realize how important acceptance is, it starts small, but goes a very long way.. parents should teach their children from young about the importance of accepting others regardless of skin colour and religion....

image006.jpg


ok maybe this kind of acceptance isn't AS important, but u get what i mean...





Hari Raya



Puasa : "Puasa" means "fasting or abstention". The speaker might mean after "Hari Raya Puasa" is over. Here is some information regarding Hari Raya Puasa:

Hari Raya Puasa is also commonly known as Hari Raya Aidilfitri. In Malay the word Hari Raya means ‘A Day Of Celebration’ and Puasa derives from Sanskrit meaning ‘fasting or abstention’. Hari Raya Puasa means‘great day of fasting’ or in actual sense ‘the festival marking the end of a period of fasting’. Hari Raya Puasa is popularly known as Eid Ul Fitr. Hari Raya Puasa marks the end of Ramadan, the holy month of fasting.

or

Hari Raya Aidilfitri (also seen as Hari Raya Idul Fitri andHari Raya Puasa) is the Malay term for the Muslim festivalof Eid ul-Fitr. Hari Raya is also known as Lebaran. Muslims inBrunei, Indonesia, Malaysia, Singapore and the Philippinescelebrate Eid like other Muslims throughout the world. The term "Hari Raya" literally means "Big Day" — it is also occasionally used to refer to Eid ul-Adha in the form of "Hari Raya Aidiladha". The main greeting used by Muslims in Malaysia and Singapore is "Selamat Hari Raya" which means "Happy Eid" in Malay. Another greeting is "maaf zahir dan batin" which translates loosely to "I seek forgiveness (from you) physically and spiritually", for Hari Raya is a time to reconcile and renew relationships with others.

As i sit here while indulging in my fav haagen-dazs ice cream, im starting to understand the true meaning of this particular celebration and how wonderful it really is, the true meaning anyway.
As a 5 year old, u dont really understand the meaning of this celebration, u just know that all your aunties and uncles, brothers and sisters, or anyone older than you, is most likely to end up giving you money, and at 5 its exciting.

However, as an adult..a very curious one..its very exciting for me as a non-muslim to be able to encounter such happy times, especially in another family, with the women desperately trying to get things ready in the kitchen, and the husbands, brothers and boys stealing the raya bicuits here and there, its such a fun event. the night before raya, i managed single-handedly to take down a cupboard..and get the help of the boyfirend to help me carry it outside and place all the contents of the cupboard into plastic bags. it was very accomplishing to have finally got it done after so long.

I slept around 3am and woke up at 11, sadly boyfie didnt make it to raya prayers, but i felt i was much more excited than he was, i rushed downstairs trying to avoid contact w anyone till after my shower. i showered and quickly put on my baju kurung, which i recently bought, and went to do my make up. Once i was ready i went straight to the kitchen and 'salam' the parents and sisters. I then was unable to find 'sampuls' so i ended up just giving the money straight to boyfies nephews and i was the 1st ;) . i then went back to the kitchen and was given my usual post which would be to make sure the 'kuih' holders were never empty, and they never are( besides me stealing the buscuits n them). the 1st set of people arrived and typically asked who i am and the usual banter about where im from..blah blah blah and they were gone. the whole day there was about 4 sets of diff people over which wasn't too hectic since many are not coming down 2 kl till boyfies brothers wedding next week.

LATE at night we played with fireworks and did naughty things with them such as blowing up the dustbins and sticking them in holes in the ground or poles..it was fun, tiring.... but fun. The last two days were pretty slow, went to a friends house and had some yummy food and desserts, and yes, i really feel like a fatty right now, so gym is definately back on the priority of my list ;/ but all this has been worth it, especially small things like helping in the kitchen and looking at others in the kitchen doing similar work to me, it got the job done faster, besides boyfies nephews often calling out '' Aunty lexis look at this, or 'aunty lexis buat apa' to be honest, cutting up cucumbers wasnt as easy as i thought..i didnt really know what i was doing either haha but i got it done(properly)...totally a pro cucumber-cutter now lol

Late at night as i lay down on the verge of falling asleep, i realized that besides all the fun, the meaning goes much much deeper, especially when it comes to relationships, about seeking forgiveness and reconciliation. For some its just words, but some do really mean it..the whole world should embrace this festival i think, its really something to celebrate. we should all celebrate new beginings and friendships/ relationships and practice forgiveness..

Thank u for teaching me such a meaningful lesson.


hari_raya_2.png





Wednesday, September 8, 2010

On this day

Yes i wonder, i think i question..oh whats with these strangers and why they stare

im not one to stand out, im very normal looking, nothing special..just my skin is much lighter than theirs..

i wonder, yes i wonder, i think i question, what if i had everything i ever wanted..would i still be happy? probably not...

i wonder, yes i wonder i think i question, would i ever be loved enough and cared about enough to never have a fear of being alone at all....

i wonder, yes i wonder, the people i pass everyday, wether they are happy with their lives, the few that manage a smile while passing by...do they wonder like me.....

The crack in the road


I know what i feel, and no matter what u do or have done, it has never changed.....










I was away back home for two weeks, with complete honesty, nothing to hide..and a body that just couldnt wait to come back and be next to urs...




And when i come back, what do i find out?..it broke me to pieces, i cant lie...even looking at u was hard.. i used to be an elephant, never to forget...but this time...i found i wanted to move on away from this situation as much as possible, and start over new..i couldnt bare to think about this problem anymore, it was driving me crazy, it hurt really2 bad..i felt deceived and i wont even go to what happened to my trust, self esteem and confidence in myself..and you..




Where i am now, and u in your final sem..i feel alone...like im the only one pulling weight, i dont get sweet sms's anymore, and its been quite a while since u called to say u love me n hung up straight away or called purely because miss me...


I still have my passion, i still have my love, i still feel for you...regardless of your mistakes..i still want to plase you..i still want to make you smile and i still want you to be mine.......i want to travel the world with you and see u gasp for recognition when we each the highest mountain...or let me clean ur wounds after a hike up a hill...steal a ciggarette w u in places that we cant smoke...




do you still feel the same way about me? Do u even know why you love me as you tell me..could you even tell me what makes me so special? Do i still make u smile? are you willing to participate in this life with me at your side? i need to know....if you are committed to this relationship..and to me...because im committed..are you willing to be with me in sickness and health?




you should know...iv already started building walls around my pain...so i wont have to think about it anymore...please dont knock those walls down...it takes quite a long time and a lot of strength to get them up...i plead with you..i beg..please dont knock them down....Lets build this together on much stronger foundation..tougher soil..u know u cant be without me, just as i cant be without you..so lets make this work..for the both of us..







Tuesday, September 7, 2010

The Mosque to be built at ground ZERO


Im curious to know what other peoples views are about the building of a mosque in new york on ground zero. Do you think it would be a good idea? in terms of stronger friendship ties with the Islamic religion and the followers of the religion, or Do you think it could go downhill altogether and create war?



Personally, having come across many people sceptical of Islam as religion, many fail to realise how beautiful it is. Although im not a muslim, i was raised as a Catholic and the older i grew, the more i distanced myself from religion altogether however, i do beleive in god. This whole controversy over building a mosque dead centre of ground zero, ofcourse would worry certain American citizens. Many whom are still very unaware of what islam teaches. Islam is not a terrorist religion, it does not teach one to be violent whatsoever, all these terrorism problems boil down to extremeism, all religions to some extent have extremists sadly. I can still however understand, the idea that this mosque will be a place of worship and prayer for those who lost muslim brothers sisters, fathers and mothers in the 9/11 incident.


However, many americans fear it will be a meeting place for extremists to meet an discuss further attacks. America and also many other Countries alike need to break out of this idea that Islam is a Terrorist religion. It has saddened me to read in Cnn that some Americans are even calling muslims 'the others' AND THAT THEY DO NOT BELONG IN America. What if someone turned around to a Christian or Catholic or any other religion and said the same thing?


Americans are already planning to blow-up the centre once it has been built..

We can also blame the media, for blowing Islamic Extremism wayy out of proportion, media alone has turned many people against the religion for all the wrong reasons such as violence and terror. If media was more responsible, they would promote sensetive issues and stop showing the world the bad side of everything and promote the good side and what religions such as Islam, Catholics christians etc..are all about. Leaders of all religions should stand up and explain things more, and muslims and non-muslims should get their heads together and be more culturally sensetive towards one another, respect differences and understand them too.


We all need to hold hands and embrace eachother as humans, show dignity and respect for one another. We need to learn more and stop hating, protect wildlife and stop the war..it would be complete heaven if we could all just stop fighting and hold hands, that is when god, mother nature and whoever else would smile upon us..maybe thats when we would understand how beautiful life on earth could really be.